Neighbour won’t change Wi-Fi password

[bluestoneboys]

Backstory - I get on pretty well with my neighbour, kids same age etc and my son used to go to school with them and loves to go over and hang out on occasion, while he was over there, neighbour let him use the Wi-Fi and he memorised the password (they know his history etc and that he has a brain like a sponge and a photographic memory)
now I can’t keep him off the Wi-Fi (at home he’s only ever had access to my personal hotspot so that I can completely limit access)
eventually I plan on getting him an iPad (probably for Christmas) so that I can download apps that can keep him safe as he’s permanently screaming at me when I say no YouTube etc as I don’t think it is appropriate for an 8yo
Now I’ve sussed out that he’s been hooked up to her Wi-Fi for about 2 weeks and has been sneaking time on his laptop overnight which fills me with anxiety about what he’s possibly doing on there. But she’s said she can’t change the password as that is too complicated etc
obv I know he’s my responsibility but given everything else he’s got going on and neighbour is aware I found it quite odd that she couldn’t change it in an effort to 1) stop him freeloading off her and 2) keep him safe
as of today I’ve now removed his laptop from him completely as it’s the only option I have currently to stop him, but he’s been flat out screaming and shouting for an hour now because his laptop is ‘very special’ to him as it’s where he stores all his work for homeschooling and also pictures of his pets (especially ones who have died) and he can get quite sentimental and sees this as a bit of an attack from me now
AIBU to ask her to change it to something he doesn’t know or was I out of line?

If the neighbour doesn't want to change their WIFI password because of the hassle of then changing all the devices it's probably easier just to block your son's devices from their router.
It isn't particularly complicated to do and if you Google it then offer to set it up for them whilst you take over a bottle of wine that should alleviate any issues.

Or if they still won't, just constantly download very large files via your son's laptop. It'll slow down their connection so much they'll be much more keen to keep your son off their connection.

If I was the neighbour there's no way I would want an 8 year old with complex needs to have access to my internet connection.

With respect, not having given permission is not the same as warning the neighbour in advance that her child was not to be allowed access to the WiFi. Neighbour couldn’t really be expected to anticipate that without warning, I mean lots of people jump on my WiFi whilst visiting my house it’s not usually a big deal.

As someone who works in cyber, letting some amateur mess with your router is a very bad idea. OP could offer to pay someone to carry out this service for them though

Tell him he'll go to jail for stealing someone's WiFi. That's what I'd do. 😂 YABU asking someone to change their password.

Given that this particular kid has attempted suicide and been hospitalised for it at least once, plus has clearly had difficulties with the law, albeit as a victim, I don't think I'd be joking about sending him to prison.

She knew, and knows his history and was reminded when I agreed he could go round there for an hour.
she did give him permission as she wrote it down for him.

Not in care no, just me and him at home, abuse has all happened from his fathers family and his father also

Unfortunately no progress so have had to completely remove the laptop from the house, but it is nearly Christmas so I’m just counting down the days until I can gift him a fully up to date and permanently controlled iPad that’s already got next doors router blocked and is linked to my phone with internet schedules and he can’t search anything without me getting a notification 🤞🏽 so chances are when he realises I’m in control of this situation again he’s just going to want to play some games and take pictures of the horses
Until then he’s giving extra spice 😪

You're probably on this already but if he likes horses, is he having any equine therapy? Being around horses can be very calming for traumatised children. I don't pretend to understand the psychology of it, but it works, and I've seen it work.

My heart goes out to both of you, you're really up against it. Poor lad and poor you.

I get completely that it's important to him it'll give him distraction, purpose, comfort and possibly a type of self medication almost from spiralling thoughts.

He's had no control over things that have happened to him so perhaps this is one tangible thing that he feels he can "own" or have control over and that gives him happiness rather that pain. For that to turn into something so difficult for you both is such a shame but I completely understand where you're coming from. You're bound to want to protect him and ensure you have control but maybe what he's doing is soothing him and limiting his use to such an extent is upping the ante and making him want that control more. Please, please don't think I'm criticising, I promise you I'm not, you're in a heartbreaking situation but what is happening isn't working for either of you so maybe turning things on their head might be worth considering.

You mentioned that you've never had any problems with him accessing inappropriate stuff. Is he in a position to come to an agreement where he can actually increase his use but only in certain circumstances e.g. When you're in the same room, as a reward or whatever works for you?

I know this is coming at it from the complete opposite direction but of it's effectively a comfort item/blanket for him, then I think I'd try to remove the battle and see if there's a way of coming together with him, finding out what he wants and upping safe usage. Maybe there's a way the therapist could help work something out.

I've worked with a lot of survivors of sa and their families. You are doing an amazing job but please make sure you get support to deal with how you feel too, he's not the only one whose trust has been broken and abused, so has yours. Take care of yourself too.

Could you do a factory reset on the laptop?

How would it help? The child remembers the password .

Yes, I train and rehab horses and overqualified in all aspects, so he has his own pony who I picked up last year and put her through her paces, she then ended up being a Christmas gift to him and he’s so focused on her and actually becoming a fantastic little horseman (well, he can get loud, but she’s so unbothered)
had a little hiccup last month when she managed to injure a hind leg after breaking in to a paddock with a new client horse, so he’s currently riding the big 17.1 Suffolk punch x TB that booted his pony 🙈 although he’s definitely much keener when the suns out 😳
Its so hard to watch him break down when I know there’s a sweet, caring kid in there with the right amount of charm to have all my liveries offering up their horses and cheering him on
He managed online dressage competitions in the summer (I’d love to take him out but I don’t see that happening purely because of the speed we can go from 0-100)
And he’s just started riding my reining horse on his own rather than on a rope, who I ride everywhere bridleless and he was on a high for three days after that as he put so much effort into her rehab last year!

The control aspect is exactly it! He also hoards and steals for this reason which has made my own family say he’s unwelcome to go in their homes etc - even with supervision, things go missing if I get up and go for a wee 🙄 but at the same time as being a thief, he’s not a thief, he’s making himself feel safe until we can work through all these emotions and help him find ways to deal with them. Currently he hates me as I’ve taken it away, although he does get an iPad for Christmas that will just stop working at certain times etc and has so many blocks on internet sites just incase he tries to find chat rooms etc
Hes developed a couple of imaginary friends over his life, which is sad in a way, but he struggled with friendships at school because he’s so matter of fact with his autism he just would sit and tell them all his problems (abuse and all) and obviously they’re thinking ‘that’s not normal’ and looking at him strangely but also it’s completely inappropriate for other kids to hear this either. Therapist definitely agrees that a device is very important to him, and also his human sized teddy that goes everywhere with him, and they’re the only two things that he insists on having at all times, when he’s got them, and nobody is threatening them, he’s extremely calm compared to his regular anxiety and anger driven reactions

If you explicitly said to her do not allow dc on your WiFi under any circumstances that changes things. Is that what happened?

He's 8 not 5! He won't buy that!

To be honest OP, this situation has nothing to do with neighbours or wifi. It sounds like you are struggling all around. What are the social workers advising?

Given his history of self harm and abuse, I don’t think he should have any devices. He’s vulnerable. He might search up terms related to what happened to him, which might produce illegal or scary results. He might be susceptible to being groomed. He might contact his dad’s family or they might contact him. It’s not chat rooms you need to look out for. There are much more subtle things. There’s chat facilities in most apps including games or YouTube. You can open the browser through most apps just by tapping a link, which could bypass whatever settings you put on. You need to sit with him and monitor what he is doing, and if you can’t supervise him to that extent, he shouldn’t have a device.

I don’t think the therapist intends for you to give him a device unsupervised. There’s no such thing as safe apps or settings - no settings can replace parental supervision. Not even on Apple iPads. If he’s technically minded, he can easily break through your settings if left on his own. He’ll likely try to, as he’s used to the freedom of that laptop. I mean Apple even has AI built into the software now - you need to factor in AI or Siri requests that may have loopholes.

His aggression and stealing etc are all huge issues too. It does sound very complex to parent, but the iPad isn’t the solution and the neighbours aren’t the problem.

The OP manages internet access at her home and the child is enjoying a few apps completely offline.

yes.

she also knows his background and understands he is ASD as well.
she knows I don’t have Wi-Fi at home for this reason
i don’t even have a tv at home, nothing in my house requires internet connection
so yes she was told, they get bored of me reminding them, I say no when I’m there and I remind her when I let him go over there.

In that case, I’d go postal and get a WiFi jammer to keep it out of my house until your iPad arrives. It will interfere with her WiFi as well for those parts of her house that are in range but 🤷‍♀️
www.jammer4uk.com/product/mini-portable-cellphone-jammer-blocking-wifi-j-260d

Have you considered disabling the network card on the laptop? Sorry if I've missed the suggestion if it's been mentioned before

He can then use the laptop without any Internet access.

Just make sure the account he's using doesn't have admin access, and that he never sees you put in the admin password

If they had come over to spend time with my child and actually NEEDED it for a game or activity if whatever, then Yes of course I'd give them the password. But I'd also make sure I blocked them from accessing it once they trundled off home again.