Neighbour won’t change Wi-Fi password

[bluestoneboys]

Backstory - I get on pretty well with my neighbour, kids same age etc and my son used to go to school with them and loves to go over and hang out on occasion, while he was over there, neighbour let him use the Wi-Fi and he memorised the password (they know his history etc and that he has a brain like a sponge and a photographic memory)
now I can’t keep him off the Wi-Fi (at home he’s only ever had access to my personal hotspot so that I can completely limit access)
eventually I plan on getting him an iPad (probably for Christmas) so that I can download apps that can keep him safe as he’s permanently screaming at me when I say no YouTube etc as I don’t think it is appropriate for an 8yo
Now I’ve sussed out that he’s been hooked up to her Wi-Fi for about 2 weeks and has been sneaking time on his laptop overnight which fills me with anxiety about what he’s possibly doing on there. But she’s said she can’t change the password as that is too complicated etc
obv I know he’s my responsibility but given everything else he’s got going on and neighbour is aware I found it quite odd that she couldn’t change it in an effort to 1) stop him freeloading off her and 2) keep him safe
as of today I’ve now removed his laptop from him completely as it’s the only option I have currently to stop him, but he’s been flat out screaming and shouting for an hour now because his laptop is ‘very special’ to him as it’s where he stores all his work for homeschooling and also pictures of his pets (especially ones who have died) and he can get quite sentimental and sees this as a bit of an attack from me now
AIBU to ask her to change it to something he doesn’t know or was I out of line?

I would do it, but then i may not have given my neighbours teenage son the password in the first place

You can take his device and forget and Barr the network on them.

You can also set up parental controls to limit the hours the device will work and what it can view. If you google the device + parental controls it should show you how.

OP im so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds awful. Given what you've said I absolutely would change my wifi password if I was the neighbour, to keep your son safe and make your life easier. Its a faff changing all devices but honestly anyone who knows your circumstances and refused you this I think would be so heartless. Does your neighbour know all of this? Maybe try and have another conversation with her. I appreciate you might not want to tell your story to her but just some of the smaller details might help. I hope things get a little easier for you soon.

There are very valid reasons for home schooling, particularly as the country’s government schools are overcrowded and rowdy and poor. They also don’t suit many children and I’m certain that homeschooling would, in many cases, provide a better education than those schools do. I wonder if this child is neurodivergent and, in which case, homeschooling is totally appropriate.

I think it would have been helpful if you had provided some of this context in the post.

I’m sorry to hear all of this. Is he in care? It’s not my business at all, I just wondered where the abuse happened and why he is suicidal. It sounds like you have a really difficult time there and I’m sorry he’s so young and having a tough time too. It’s real sad x

Agree
If I was your neighbour I'd like to change my password if I thought next door was accessing it - if he went on any dodgy websites it would show up as her IP address after all.
It does sound like she needs help to do this though. Try the PPs suggestion of blocking that particular network first.

Why is your 8 year old screaming at you?! I’m appalled. Keep his laptop until he earns it back, and take it off him overnight. He should only be using the internet under your supervision!! 8!!!!!

That poor neighbour - all that faff to stop a neighbour’s child using her WiFi! OP needs to learn to manage her own devices - she can use parental controls to manage other usage issues too along with barring access to inappropriate websites, things that are important and not fixed by a neighbour changing their WiFi password.

Just read some of the OP's updates. This child won't "earn" the laptop back and screaming is the least of their problems.
The OP was successfully limiting the internet usage by activating and deactivating her own hotspot, until the neighbour for some reason unknown decided to give her child unlimited access to their internet without the OP's consent.

Jesus Christ! Oh boohoo the poor neighbour. Like I said, I know its alot of messing, I have tonnes of devices but if I knew someone was having these kinds of problems with a DC id want to safeguard them and help however I can. Thats my opinion, you dont have to agree and fine if you wouldn't want to help. And yes obviously OP can do what she needs to protect her vulnerable DC. But im saying I would help if I knew her story because shes in a shit situation and im not a complete heartless bitch. But you do whatever you feel is right for you.
Editing to add the neighbour shouldnt have even given a vulnerable child access to her password and internet in the first place. OP was using her hotspot to limit the DCs usage and neighbour has gone a messed that all up so its her fault to begin with!

The "poor neighbour" made a serious mistake - gave an 8 years old child with significant additional needs their WiFi password without their mother's consent. The neighbour can rectify it by changing password/blocking the device in their router which is typically quite easy and more effective than blocking a network in the laptop (which can be unblocked).

OP said DC has photographic memory and memorised the password, not that it was given to them.

neighbour let him use the Wi-Fi and he memorised the password

Neighbour obviously shown/gave the password to the child to use the wifi and the child memorised it than

Not quite right. OP said child with photographic memory saw the password and memorised it. The neighbour has been extremely gracious in allowing other people access to the WiFi they are not paying for.

It is considerably more difficult for a non techy to navigate to a router’s IP, change its settings and block devices than to set parental controls on a device with all its walkthroughs and tooltips.

It is also very easy to stuff up your router resulting in no internet for anyone if you don’t know what you are doing. In addition, if the router ever develops an issue which requires a factory reset, everything is back to where they started anyway!

Or they looked at the back of the router.

Reading comprehension really helps. OP says the neighbour 'let him use her wifi'. This isn't a case of the DC sneaking a peak at the password. The neighbour allowed this to happen without the parents consent and made a huge mistake. OP wants to limit her childs use of the Internet and now is struggling to do that because of the neighbour. If my DC has a friend over to our house its my responsibility to keep them safe and Id be mortified if I went against a parents wishes like this. Id agree to change the password purely to clear my conscience a little bit. OP has responsibility to keep her DC safe but the neighbour has some of the blame here too.

With the neighbour's permission

OP, have you figured out how to forget the neighbours WiFi yet? It seems like the best way to solve the problem before giving him back his laptop or a new tablet.

If he likes to write and draw on his laptop, that seems like a fairly pro-social outlet for his trauma, and God knows, the poor little chap needs it. I feel for you both, you're doing an incredible job trying to keep him safe and alive.

Where did OP say she told the neighbour not to allow access to the WiFi?
’let him use her WiFi’ could also be interpreted as didn’t make a fuss when she found out her WiFi was being hijacked - we don’t know one way or the other tbh.
In any event this is OP’s child and those are OPs devices to manage. And let’s say the neighbour did change the password - whenever that router needs a reset, the changes she made are lost and it starts all over again… at best this is a temporary and unpredictable solution. Device management is the key.

You can easily monitor YouTube, it's not some big scary thing. Also yes you are being unreasonable.

And then he'll just reconnect because he has memorised the log in! That's why the OP is having this problem.

I really feel for you. I would say in a normal situation they shouldn’t be expected to change it, particularly as with smart homes etc. these days so many things can be connected to the internet.

Given your child’s particular needs though, she isn’t being kind at all. Is she fully aware? You could send her a message or a letter explaining in more detail. She did put you in this situation.

One thing to note is that some people do change provider every year or so. This password won’t be forever.

The fact that OP is here complaining that her son has access to their wifi, when she doesnt have wifi herself, and only gave him her hotspot to use when she could monitor him. Its pretty obvious that she didnt give her permission for him to be on their wifi.

Tbf, you drip fed this abuse information. Your question was about asking your neighbour to change her WiFi password!

The WiFi password is not the issue here, as you well know.
I don’t think MN is really the place to be getting advice on your child’s behaviour and needs as he navigates the effects of the trauma he’s been through.
Get professional help and support. His new SW should be able to assist or signpost you to the right agency. It certainly isn’t MN!

AIBU to ask her to change it to something he doesn’t know or was I out of line

Tbf OP was asking about this. She didn’t specifically set out to ask about advice on her son’s behaviour although many people offered it.

And it’s very hard to talk about sexual abuse so i can understand why OP didn’t mention it initially but she did allude to “after all he’s gone through” (paraphrasing here) so it was clear he had been dealing with a lot. Maybe we can say she could have been more specific but as I said, abuse is hard to mention sometimes.

FWIW I now agree with @GreenFields07 knowing her sons history. I feel her neighbour created the issue by giving the password to her son - presumably without getting consent from Op. If she knew he’s a vulnerable child doesn’t seem a good idea to give out the password. Not sure I’d give it out to any child of that age without asking their parents.