Neighbour won’t change Wi-Fi password

[bluestoneboys]

Backstory - I get on pretty well with my neighbour, kids same age etc and my son used to go to school with them and loves to go over and hang out on occasion, while he was over there, neighbour let him use the Wi-Fi and he memorised the password (they know his history etc and that he has a brain like a sponge and a photographic memory)
now I can’t keep him off the Wi-Fi (at home he’s only ever had access to my personal hotspot so that I can completely limit access)
eventually I plan on getting him an iPad (probably for Christmas) so that I can download apps that can keep him safe as he’s permanently screaming at me when I say no YouTube etc as I don’t think it is appropriate for an 8yo
Now I’ve sussed out that he’s been hooked up to her Wi-Fi for about 2 weeks and has been sneaking time on his laptop overnight which fills me with anxiety about what he’s possibly doing on there. But she’s said she can’t change the password as that is too complicated etc
obv I know he’s my responsibility but given everything else he’s got going on and neighbour is aware I found it quite odd that she couldn’t change it in an effort to 1) stop him freeloading off her and 2) keep him safe
as of today I’ve now removed his laptop from him completely as it’s the only option I have currently to stop him, but he’s been flat out screaming and shouting for an hour now because his laptop is ‘very special’ to him as it’s where he stores all his work for homeschooling and also pictures of his pets (especially ones who have died) and he can get quite sentimental and sees this as a bit of an attack from me now
AIBU to ask her to change it to something he doesn’t know or was I out of line?

I would not necessarily do it for somebody else but I would definitely do it for my own safety. Giving somebody access to your WiFi is a very bad idea.

but if I was OP I would be worried about her DS‘s reaction to her taking the laptop. What is he doing online??

As above, he will go to steal it back in the middle of the night

He’s watching horse videos. Never found anything bad in history.
but he’s very protective of it

Lock it away.

How good are you with technology/ are you IT savvy?

I did, if you read my response above

I’m in my 20s, so would say quite
but this laptop is old

It clearly isn't locked away if he's taking it while you are asleep though is it? You seem to have an awful lot or reasons why you can't do anything but expect others to do it for you. Get better passwords, get better locks, this is all for you to do and establish boundaries. As a PP has already said, the age of that laptop is such that it can't run adequate security systems. If you are hell bent on buying more up to date devices, you need to pay a professional in security, IT or home, to ensure that it cannot be accessed. I have a very tech savvy DC, he was not able to override the tools I had in place.

I don’t think you actually read it

I am assuming your kid is ND as that sounds just like my niece who is. It’s incredibly hard to limit her screen time and her emotional reactions to having devices removed are extreme and out of proportion. You need to research if it is possible to block access to a specific network but I can see why you asked the neighbour to change it. Small thing for her to do to save you an ocean of ND pain!!

And to be honest, I don’t think there is any need to be condescending. You clearly, luckily for you and your children, have no real understanding of the situation I am in. Obviously I’m HELL BENT on getting more uptodate devices, it’s a necessity for homeschooling to the standard that is required in my sons case.

Yes ND and SA victim, and also the only electronic device he has access to currently

I'm not being condescending, lots of advice has been given.

@bluestoneboys considering the circumstances if I was your neighbour I’d change my password in a heartbeat !

You are though

Changing my WiFi password is a massive pita, when I change provider I rename the router & change the password to be the old router name amd have done for years.

However blocking a specific device from my network is easy, and I'd happily do that for you. Try asking the neighbour to do that.

Buy a lockable box. Put it in the car. If you want to stop your child doing something it is always possible. Even if you have to try a few things first.

I’m ignoring the posts from people who have no idea how aggressive and determined an autistic child can be and think that the OP’s situation has a simple solution.

@bluestoneboys does he have an EHCP, a social worker or any other outside support?

I locked it in car last night, but the cold is not good for the battery

no ehcp but does have a new SW as of yesterday as he disclosed SA from his dad, after already being abused previously by dads mum!

Makes literally zero odds on a laptop that old

ah, fair enough.bYou‘re therefore aware of private browsing, using different browsers, selectively deleting parts of your browser history, using various apps etc.

I would change the password if I was your neighbour. But your neighbour(s) won’t, which is understandable as well.

You will therefore need to find other ways to manage your DS’s access to the internet. And yes, I would lock his laptop away if he „steals“ it during the night.

Could you do a bit of a digital / screen detox? Preferably for the entire family?

My mum literally just had it repaired for him, the guy that did it asked if I had put it in the freezer 🙃

Yes unfortunately he’s not going to be having it back due to this now but it’s just sad for him in a way as he sees it as an attack, he’s been sat on paint etc because he wanted to ‘design’ Christmas cards etc for his friends
we don’t have any other screens (bar my phone which is necessary) so he’s hardly spoiled in that dept, he took 3 tvs to pieces to ‘find the little people inside’ before I decided against buying a new one

@bluestoneboys a couple of points
1, a 10-15 year old laptop that runs on windows does have parental controls which allow you to lockdown the laptop during set times (I did it with my old laptop when I gave it to my dd 16 years ago)
2, if you can't figure out how to do that then either password protect the entire laptop and don't give him the password you just put it in when he's allowed use of it
3, when he smashes things because you have locked down or removed the laptop you keep it for an extra 24 hours.
4, repeat step 3 as often as necessary until it sinks in

I know that you will be feeling battered by this thread but your doing yourself and your son a major disservice by teaching him that he doesn't need to follow your rules and allowing him to temper tantrum without consequences (smash things) because you've removed something that he wants. As for the self harm you need to sit him down and explain that you are removing the laptop at night every night because you love him. I know it's going to be hard with a lot of push back since this behaviour wasn't tackled when he was a toddler but he's only 8 so it can be successfully done now but it's last chance saloon for you if you don't start now in another year or two it won't. I say this as a parent of a child with asd, adhd and a whole host of other issues who has delt with this sort of thing. Firm rules and set consequences will help in the long-term