Neighbour won’t change Wi-Fi password

[bluestoneboys]

Backstory - I get on pretty well with my neighbour, kids same age etc and my son used to go to school with them and loves to go over and hang out on occasion, while he was over there, neighbour let him use the Wi-Fi and he memorised the password (they know his history etc and that he has a brain like a sponge and a photographic memory)
now I can’t keep him off the Wi-Fi (at home he’s only ever had access to my personal hotspot so that I can completely limit access)
eventually I plan on getting him an iPad (probably for Christmas) so that I can download apps that can keep him safe as he’s permanently screaming at me when I say no YouTube etc as I don’t think it is appropriate for an 8yo
Now I’ve sussed out that he’s been hooked up to her Wi-Fi for about 2 weeks and has been sneaking time on his laptop overnight which fills me with anxiety about what he’s possibly doing on there. But she’s said she can’t change the password as that is too complicated etc
obv I know he’s my responsibility but given everything else he’s got going on and neighbour is aware I found it quite odd that she couldn’t change it in an effort to 1) stop him freeloading off her and 2) keep him safe
as of today I’ve now removed his laptop from him completely as it’s the only option I have currently to stop him, but he’s been flat out screaming and shouting for an hour now because his laptop is ‘very special’ to him as it’s where he stores all his work for homeschooling and also pictures of his pets (especially ones who have died) and he can get quite sentimental and sees this as a bit of an attack from me now
AIBU to ask her to change it to something he doesn’t know or was I out of line?

Depending how many devices you have connected to the internet it could take a while if you change the password, so I can see why she might not want to. My internet is unlimited too, so his usage wouldn’t cost me anything either.

Surely the easiest thing is to limit your sons access to devices where he could use the internet.

Parents control it = how to handle them.

I see we're 9 pages in, but... I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, especially when you're struggling so hard with this. Of course, the neighbor can also say no (though I find that response to be very uncaring, to say the least!)

But it does sound like you need to reign your son in a bit. He'll be fine without his laptop until he's ready to obey you and use it responsibly. Would absolutely not recommend getting him an iPad -- I got my child a tablet and it's had the worst effect on her behavior!

I think you’ve created the issue to an extent by giving him his own laptop, as opposed to allowing him to use your device/a family device at specific agreed times/durations.

It sounds like the management of his use of this device is a bigger problem in a sense than his access to the Internet. I’d probably agree set times of use with him which takes place in a family location - eg, the living room. And print off his favourite pet photos for a photo album or stick them on the wall if that is such a crux issue for him. Then he can view them 24/7.

Yes, he’s both autistic and has adhd

And neither of them are not a reason as to why you are not parenting your child, and teaching your child how to behave properly.

Your child is 8 years old and you need to get this behaviour under control sooner rather than later because it's going to be a hell of harder to be dealing with when he is a teenager when both taller and stronger then you.

Yes he can’t go to school due to SA and suicidal thoughts and also SEND needs that are too high

I am parenting him? At 8 he’s unfortunately been through more trauma than most adults, his behaviour is hard work yes, but not out of line from his past, he’s in therapy, he’s now back under social care and he’s been in hospital recently due to injuries caused by adults. So yes, it’s going to be hard, but no because of bad parenting.

That is not the neighbours WiFi problem fault though

No, it’s not, although giving him the password was not sensible

With his extra challenges that's all the more reason to get a handle on this and stop letting him have access to damaging content. He also needs boundaries to give him security.

Set up the laptop properly with an admin profile for you and a user profile for him. Password them both. He doesn't get access to admin. Set up Microsoft family safety (free) and limit his laptop time through that. You can also only permit designated websites so at 8 years old, there's possibly only a few he should be using. Qustodio is another very good tool with paid for and free access.

I have done this, but it’s still not enough, which wis why I think an iPad is the best way as that can all be controlled from my phone.

Start to put your foot down now and work on boundaries and stopping the strops as believe me it only gets harder as they get older. If you can’t enforce screen time now then you don’t have a hope when teen hormones kick in!

You are focused on your son's behaviour at home and having some control over his internet use. Understandably.

However, this is not your neighbour's problem. In fact, your son owes your neighbour an apology for using her WiFi when he is no longer a guest in her home. Plus some free snow shovelling, leaf raking, car washing, or similar age- and ability-appropriate helpful labour, to compensate her for the bandwidth he has been stealing. If she doesn't want/need this, then he does the work for you, because you have given your neighbour some money or equivalent for the use of her internet. Haven't you?

It is your job as his parent to teach him the wrong of what he has been doing, and put consequences in place, and show him how to make it right.

He does all of this anyway, and yes, I have offered her money, haven’t I

You haven't set up Family Safety properly then. The laptop will be inaccessible at certain times. Qustodio on top means extra protection when it's set correctly, I think you need to look at this again quite honestly.

I’ve done everything that I can, the laptop is 10-15 years old, my mother gave it to him, which I B then had to take from him to set this up but there’s nothing more that can be done with it and now I’m stuck for the next month with dramas no matter what I choose

YABVU

This is your responsibility, not your neighbours.

Where does it end?
Are you going to go around to every single neighbour and tell them not to do this and that etc.

He may be challenging but it is still your responsibility to parent him and find a way that works for you.
It is not up to other people to help you parent him.

There are very simple things you can do like putting parental controls on things, so he cannot access bad stuff or locking the laptop away at night.
But considering you’re not doing these things and just expecting the neighbours to make things easier, suggests you’re a pretty lazy parent.

If the laptop is this old, you definitely need to block this network. Google it, ypu can do from the command prompt.
This laptop will have no modern security features and is at risk of being infected with viruses. It's not going to give protections from other people who may be on your neighbours wifi (she may give password out to loads of people).
I cannot stress enough, it's just not a good idea to use wifi that you do not know. Forget parental controls here, if the laptop has access to the Internet and is open on the network then both he and it are vulnerable.

Then you’ll have to remove the laptop from him physically.

Well, go to the "old fashioned" way of physically removing the device full stop. Apple's attempt at locking down child access via screen time is rubbish, I'd really not recommend pinning your hopes on that. I've taken the DC's phones to the apple Genius Bar and they can't answer why the settings do not remain in place.

I am doing these things, but there’s a limit, because last time I took away the laptop, we were in hospital an hour later (last weekend!
the laptop is locked away between 6- midday the next day, he only has access to it between 12-2.30 and 5-6 and this is for work.
last week I took it at 6 but he broke everything in his path trying to get it, he did not get it, I put it in safe the next night & he hurt himself because he decided nobody cared for him or loved him and then we were in hospital for 4 days.
I’m not a lazy parent, but unfortunately there’s no support for parents of suicidal children who’ve been abused all their lives

I do this anyway

Now I’ve sussed out that he’s been hooked up to her Wi-Fi for about 2 weeks and has been sneaking time on his laptop overnight which fills me with anxiety about what he’s possibly doing on there