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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

187 replies

Grealish · 27/11/2024 16:52

DD is 10 almost 11 and in 5th class. They do secret Santa every year, and they pulled the names last week. The budget is €5-10 and they don’t do cards or presents for teacher etc as teacher is included.

On Monday I got a text from one of the other mams saying that her DS got my DDs name for secret Santa, simply saying they won’t be buying a gift as they don’t believe in this kind of thing. I wasn’t too bothered at first, as it seemed like an easy fix- whoever had her DS could just swap and have my DD instead.

I was speaking to her teacher yesterday about a separate thing and just mentioned the secret Santa issue, she said it’d be too late to start all over again because some people have already bought gifts - but that it should be easy to just swap the two around. But today I got a message from the mam (she was lovely about it) who had the other child and said they’d already bought him a present. She told me what it was and said DD was welcome to it, but it is quite specific to the boy and I know she wouldn’t enjoy it.

I’m not really one to make a fuss about things like this, and part of me just wants to ignore it, she’ll get loads of lovely presents over the Christmas, a €5 gift won’t make or break her Christmas. On the other hand I hate to think of everyone being excited opening their presents and her not having anything to open/opening a gift meant for someone else.

Would it be too much to secretly buy her a gift and give it to the teacher to give out as part of the secret Santa?

OP posts:
Neveragain35 · 02/12/2024 09:02

This Is the teacher’s problem to sort out- if you organise a whole class secret Santa you need to be chasing them
up to make sure they’ve bought their gift, and I would have a couple of standby presents in case any of the kids forgot or were off sick the day the gifts were handed out.

OP I would explain the situation to the teacher and ask what she’s going to do about it!

Mummyto2boyz · 02/12/2024 09:02

It's a very strange thing to do. You would think she'd just play along with it. I think the school should stop doing secret santa anyway because it puts extra pressure on, at an already over stretched time. If it was me I would buy the present and make sure you tell the teacher not to include that child next year.

Pherian · 02/12/2024 09:05

The first thing I would have done is just buy the gift and give it the teacher.

The other mom just might be really struggling right now. We don’t know her situation. We can make it worse by judging her and bullying her child by excluding them in a gift exchange they wanted to participate in. Or we can just buy a couple extra little things and give it to the teacher to wrap up and hand out - and not have children burdened with adult problems.

Some of the comments in this thread are horrid.

TerrorAustralis · 02/12/2024 09:08

EmotionalSupportPotato · 27/11/2024 16:59

Why on earth didn't the DS say they don't believe in secret santa

Because he's a kid and probably was excited about getting a present when he normally gets nothing.

My mum didn't celebrate Christmas, so we were always "opted out" of any related activities at school. It was shit.

TimeTravelledDoctor · 02/12/2024 09:16

I would totally buy a gift for dd, stealthily wrapping it in different paper to what you have in, or asking her teacher if they can wrap it.

The boys mum, I’d be wondering if she just wasn’t happy buying a gift for a girl maybe? Especially as SS isn’t a new thing at the school and she had plenty of time to opt out!

Orangesunset8 · 02/12/2024 09:17

The son should not be included in the game.

I remember when my daughter was in the secondary school and the girl who had it couldn’t bother to buy even sweets. Just picked some old slime. DD was really disdainful as she put a lot of effort

Jabbabong · 02/12/2024 09:25

This could have been avoided by the teacher asking the parents whose children were opting in and who were not taking part, then put the names into the hat accordingly. I think the blame lies with the school and not the other parent.

Fraggeek · 02/12/2024 09:27

Absolutely buy a gift.

Then I would suggest they make adjustments for next year. I'm not sure an opt in will work. Just because some people will opt in and still not buy.

Personally if I were a teacher, I'd have a back up of gifts for times like this.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 02/12/2024 09:30

Tell the teacher, or whoever initiated this good intentions but stupid idea, they need to sort it out so no child is left disappointed. It is a ridiculous idea for a classroom environment and the teacher should knock it on the head for next year.

You are fortunate the mum contacted you to let you know so you could intervene.

If the teacher, or whoever initiated it, won't take responsibility to sort out the problem that is of their making, then tell them you will put a gift in for your dd to resolve the immediate issue but you will also be putting a complaint into the head to stop this in future years.

getsomehelp · 02/12/2024 09:42

You should message receiving Mum & say that you have mentioned to teacher that he does not receive a gift, as he is not participating.

Switchingitup · 02/12/2024 09:55

And this is why, despite the majority of the students begging for it, secret Santa is not allowed at my school.

it only takes ones or two student who either forget the gift on the day or give an inappropriate or offensive gift and it ruins it for everyone.

bridgetreilly · 02/12/2024 10:20

Wow, that mum is awful. If she doesn’t want to take part, she needs to tell the teacher in advance and then her kid doesn’t give or get a present. You can’t just decide not to give to another child, who is participating fully.

Toomanyemails · 02/12/2024 10:34

The teacher/school should have made this opt-in from the start and they definitely should have acted when you flagged up that your DD was going to end up without a gift! What if there are other parents doing the same and more kids will be disappointed, or parents who will be annoyed on secret Santa day if they've spent money they couldn't really afford because they didn't want to be the cause of someone being left out.

NoahsTortoise · 02/12/2024 10:36

Can't believe the other mum is so mean to be honest, she must have known this could cause issues because of the way Secret Santa works and that her ducking out when names have already been drawn would mean your DD didn't get a gift to open. Even if she just bought a bag of chocolate buttons and wrapped them it would be something.

MrsBrett20 · 02/12/2024 10:39

Your solution sounds the best way. I agree that it won't spoil Christmas for her, but it's the excitement of everyone in class opening their gifts and having her be left out. I would have thought that parents could opt out - that way, the little boy won't buy anything, but also won't be receiving anything.

I have to say, it is mean on the mum's part; her son is receiving a gift but not getting one for someone else, which seems unfair to me... absolutely fair enough if you don't agree with it, but then surely that means that they don't agree with the whole thing?

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 02/12/2024 10:44

Grealish · 27/11/2024 16:52

DD is 10 almost 11 and in 5th class. They do secret Santa every year, and they pulled the names last week. The budget is €5-10 and they don’t do cards or presents for teacher etc as teacher is included.

On Monday I got a text from one of the other mams saying that her DS got my DDs name for secret Santa, simply saying they won’t be buying a gift as they don’t believe in this kind of thing. I wasn’t too bothered at first, as it seemed like an easy fix- whoever had her DS could just swap and have my DD instead.

I was speaking to her teacher yesterday about a separate thing and just mentioned the secret Santa issue, she said it’d be too late to start all over again because some people have already bought gifts - but that it should be easy to just swap the two around. But today I got a message from the mam (she was lovely about it) who had the other child and said they’d already bought him a present. She told me what it was and said DD was welcome to it, but it is quite specific to the boy and I know she wouldn’t enjoy it.

I’m not really one to make a fuss about things like this, and part of me just wants to ignore it, she’ll get loads of lovely presents over the Christmas, a €5 gift won’t make or break her Christmas. On the other hand I hate to think of everyone being excited opening their presents and her not having anything to open/opening a gift meant for someone else.

Would it be too much to secretly buy her a gift and give it to the teacher to give out as part of the secret Santa?

I’d ask for the gift that was intended for the other kid (whose parents don’t believe in SS (and use as a future regift/tombola) and bit something fir my child.

NoahsTortoise · 02/12/2024 10:46

I have to say, it is mean on the mum's part; her son is receiving a gift but not getting one for someone else, which seems unfair to me... absolutely fair enough if you don't agree with it, but then surely that means that they don't agree with the whole thing?

Agree that it's their prerogative not to take part, but it sounds like this has been known about for weeks if OP's DD was talking about picking the names soon and the mother of the other child OP was going to swap with has already bought their gift. The other mum should have realised it was too late to pull out now and just bought something little, it's a few euros.

Bearhunt468 · 02/12/2024 10:51

Is the boy still going to receive a gift then? I mean it's pretty mean of the mum too if her child might end up being the only one not recieving a gift in the class.

But definitely buy your child a gift and ask teacher to add to the pile.

Wheresthebeach · 02/12/2024 11:00

Well if she didn't believe in it then she should have informed the school and had her son removed. Awful behaviour. I guess the other parents isn't prepared to return the gift and get something more appropriate? That being the case, yes, get your daughter a gift. The Teacher is being incredibly wet and unhelpful. They must know a child left out would be incredibly hurt and upset.

Dollybantree · 02/12/2024 11:08

What a shit mum to do that to her son 😢

PrettyFox · 02/12/2024 11:13

Yes buy your DD a little gift, it would be awful if all the others are opening the presents and she is left out. The other mum is being awkward. I could understand if they didn't celebrate Xmas, but if they do, why use Secret Santa between school children to make a statement? I wonder if her not caring about this 'kind of things' will go as far as rejecting her own son's gift or if she is happy that he still receives one.

If the problem is money as some people suggested, just get something cheaper, kids won't know, they just want the joy of being included. Some nice stationery, hair accessories, a fun bath bomb, there is so many cheap gift options for girls.

Original poster
Grealish · 02/12/2024 15:37

Just a few little updates because I didn’t expect this to get as many responses as it did!

Firstly, thank you everyone for your nice replies - I will be buying my daughter something nice so she doesn’t even know she was left out. I’d hate for the boy to be left out either so hopefully this way everyone in the class will get a present!

Secondly, this isn’t a money issue on the other mums behalf. It’s a small-ish school, so I would know all the families relatively well and unless her circumstances have dramatically changed in the last few weeks, I would be fairly positive that she could spare a fiver. Of course Christmas is a tough time for a lot of people and I never would have posted this if I thought it was a money thing.

also I had no idea that everyone would be so shocked that a school would do SS- my kids have done it every year since they started at 4, so I assumed other schools were doing the same!

OP posts:
Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 15:59

I wonder if her not caring about this 'kind of things' will go as far as rejecting her own son's gift or if she is happy that he still receives one.

Yes, that's a good point. I had assumed the other mum had told the teacher that her child doesn't need a gift, which is generous considering she has already bought a present for a boy. But if she hasn't, then it's poor form to accept a gift chosen for her child in mind and yet expect OP's child to accept a present meant for a different child.

Gardenbird123 · 02/12/2024 16:57

Definitely buy your daughter a gift.
The mother should have pulled out beforehand, very thoughtless of her to just leave your daughter without anything. I wonder if she objects to her son receiving....🤔

Nappster · 02/12/2024 22:37

I got forgotten for a work secret Santa, I know I’m an adult but I ended up with a boys present a cooking book about meat!!! I was gutted as I’d put so much thought into my gift so it would be lovely for you to get her a gift and give it to the teacher