To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

[Grealish]

DD is 10 almost 11 and in 5th class. They do secret Santa every year, and they pulled the names last week. The budget is €5-10 and they don’t do cards or presents for teacher etc as teacher is included.

On Monday I got a text from one of the other mams saying that her DS got my DDs name for secret Santa, simply saying they won’t be buying a gift as they don’t believe in this kind of thing. I wasn’t too bothered at first, as it seemed like an easy fix- whoever had her DS could just swap and have my DD instead.

I was speaking to her teacher yesterday about a separate thing and just mentioned the secret Santa issue, she said it’d be too late to start all over again because some people have already bought gifts - but that it should be easy to just swap the two around. But today I got a message from the mam (she was lovely about it) who had the other child and said they’d already bought him a present. She told me what it was and said DD was welcome to it, but it is quite specific to the boy and I know she wouldn’t enjoy it.

I’m not really one to make a fuss about things like this, and part of me just wants to ignore it, she’ll get loads of lovely presents over the Christmas, a €5 gift won’t make or break her Christmas. On the other hand I hate to think of everyone being excited opening their presents and her not having anything to open/opening a gift meant for someone else.

Would it be too much to secretly buy her a gift and give it to the teacher to give out as part of the secret Santa?

They should get the parents agreeance before drawing the names!

Secret Santa seems like a terrible idea for a teacher to set up in their class tbh.

I think your idea would work well though.

The idea is anyone who wants to opt out doesn't have their name in the hat. Then if numbers are uneven staff/teacher/organiser or whatever buys an extra gift. The other mum shouldn't have tried to pull out mid way through the event.
Either way I'm sure you'll be able to make sure your child does get a gift. I guess at least she give you some warning!

Your idea is a good one. I'd be annoyed too but more at the teacher from the sounds of it. OP was there no letter home or permission slips or anything? Lots of families don't celebrate Christmas or can't afford an extra gift or just don't want to. How weird to just assume everyone would be involved.

Secret Santa for school children is always such a bad idea. I had it two times when I was younger and both times the daft teachers made sure to pair boys and girls together (which I don’t even think is the way you’re supposed to do it, but anyway).

The result both times was that all the boys had nice, thoughtful gifts from the girls and all the girls had either nothing or rubbish from the boys (used pencils, a few biscuits from their lunch, etc). Any girls that complained were scolded by the teacher. It still irritates me that they were normalizing the idea that girls should be quiet and put up with shoddy treatment/low effort from boys.

I think your solution is perfect, OP. And maybe having to do this will make the teacher rethink the process for next year.

I would accept the ‘boy gift’ to essentially make the point to the other mum - ok she opts out but her son is then left out.

However, I would explain what happened in advance so your daughter isn’t disappointed, and tell her you’ll donate that gift to charity and swap it for something you’ve bought her.

Otherwise, the other mum gets away with this year in, year out and her child benefits but another child loses out.

I think it's crazy the school has arranged this without express agreement from all parents to participate. Even if there's no obvious hardship going on they may be having to watch purse strings very closely over Christmas. It's a wild pressure to be putting on people.

Teachers shouldn't be organising these things for children.

Teens and groups who want to do secret santas can organise it themselves, like my DCs and their friends always did.

Was the DS able to opt-out? We don't know. He's 10. It's being organised by the teacher. Would he feel able to say 'I don't want to participate in this'? Would this be accepted by the teacher without shaming and attempting to get him to 'agree'? Was it even a choice or did the teacher just put all the names in and inform the children of the rules?

Maybe DS would have liked to participate, but his parents aren't willing to, because they don't want to give money for this. Maybe DS never wanted to and couldn't opt out. In the end, it doesn't matter, because either way shows that such events shouldn't be organised on a whole class basis rather than a self-organisation opt-in basis.

What the mum meant was "I'm not buying a gift but I fully expect my son to receive one" as is so often the way with secret Santa!

Buy her a present - my daughter’s class did a SS in Year 8 - £5 limit. She spent ages picking bits and pieces and wrapping them for a boy in her class. On the day she was the only one not to receive a gift. She was gutted. It was so so sad. Turns out the girl who got my DD’s name ‘forgot’ to buy anything. If I’d known in advance I’d definitely have bought something and given it to the teacher.

How would that be funded?

Agree that you should just buy a little something she'll like and give it to the teacher - they'll understand what's happened.

I think it is fine to buy a gift yourself. I don’t think school should do secret Santa without parental agreement. Some people have no money

Buying a gift for her and giving it to the teacher is the only solution, but it is unfair that you have to buy two gifts.

I would buy her a gift and give it to the teacher.

Actually I think this might be the best idea.

Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I think the mum may have been blindsided here. The fact she bothered messaging OP shows she does care as she could have said nothing and sent him in empty handed or just told the teacher.

Mum and the boy might actually be feeling really awkward about it and would rather not receive anything since they are not buying anything.

So whether they're CF or not this is still probably the best approach.

Let her have the boy's gift. If it's less than 10 euros, it's more the excitement of opening it than the gift itself.

No nothing was sent home, but they do do it every year and my DD came home a few weeks ago telling me they were picking the names soon. This family isn’t new to the school either and as far as I’m aware has done it every other year. I completely understand if they don’t have that extra money to spend on someone else’s kid or if they just don’t want to be involved anymore, but they will have known for weeks and had plenty of time to opt out!

If you buy your daughter a gift then you are buying two gifts.
Why not just accept the boys gift and swap it later. Tell your daughter why this has happened.
Next year the women not joining in might think twice!

I don't understand why schools do this during a time of cost of living crisis. Gift giving should be voluntary not coerced. Let kids buy gifts for whomever they want. Same with party invites. Let the kids invite their friends not this whole class of 30 nonsense which is pushed on poor parents!

As a teacher I can tell you that in the past I have asked the children to check with their parents first. I have been clear that it is opt in only. There are always kids who don't buy but accept gifts. I always end up buying extra gifts. I try very hard to not do it but they often really like want it.

I dont think secret santa works in school unfortunately...last year my son picked a lovely present for his recipient but the person who got him forgot to buy a present 🙄 they are high school so he was able to understand bit its still rubish.

I think your idea is a great one but I think schools that do secret santa are unreasonable...kids are generally reliant on their parents to buy the presents and if they dont do it, its other kids that miss out

Buy and give to teacher. Perfect.

Im my aqua natal group there were seven of us and we all bought for one baby, except for one mum who didn't. There were raised eyebrows that she took a gift for her child though..

At least they’ve organised it early. Ours always waited until the last week, and invariable the dc would have ultra specific ideas of what to buy, that didn’t actually exist in any shop in this universe.