To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

[Grealish]

DD is 10 almost 11 and in 5th class. They do secret Santa every year, and they pulled the names last week. The budget is €5-10 and they don’t do cards or presents for teacher etc as teacher is included.

On Monday I got a text from one of the other mams saying that her DS got my DDs name for secret Santa, simply saying they won’t be buying a gift as they don’t believe in this kind of thing. I wasn’t too bothered at first, as it seemed like an easy fix- whoever had her DS could just swap and have my DD instead.

I was speaking to her teacher yesterday about a separate thing and just mentioned the secret Santa issue, she said it’d be too late to start all over again because some people have already bought gifts - but that it should be easy to just swap the two around. But today I got a message from the mam (she was lovely about it) who had the other child and said they’d already bought him a present. She told me what it was and said DD was welcome to it, but it is quite specific to the boy and I know she wouldn’t enjoy it.

I’m not really one to make a fuss about things like this, and part of me just wants to ignore it, she’ll get loads of lovely presents over the Christmas, a €5 gift won’t make or break her Christmas. On the other hand I hate to think of everyone being excited opening their presents and her not having anything to open/opening a gift meant for someone else.

Would it be too much to secretly buy her a gift and give it to the teacher to give out as part of the secret Santa?

Secret santa at school is such a stupid idea.

This is the school or whoever organises its fault - they should check who is participating and who isn't before issuing the names.

Thank you. The negative inference about a non-Christian background from that comment seems unpleasant. Disappointing to see that on MN.

I'm angry on your behalf, OP!

If the mum accepts the gift, she needs to buy your DD a gift.

She really should have made her wishes known earlier i.e. as soon as the Secret Santa was announced.

Surely now she knows what's happened she can just buy your DD a gift and not participate in future years?

I think that you should suggest to the school they make this the last secret santa, and perhaps fundraise for a local charity instead in future years.

I’ve seen secret Santa go wrong too often and people get hurt by it, and that’s adults! I hate it, stupid idea.

As if there isn't enough financial pressure on parents at this time of the year.

I would do just that

But the school is an arsehole for allowing a secret santa for kids

Secret Santa that you don’t have to specifically opt in to is really poor and one in primary school is bloody ridiculous and clearly prone to all the issues you get in adult ones and then some.

I would tell the teacher you’ll provide the Secret Santa gift for your child to receive and the gift that was going to go to the kid who opted out can go to whoever your DD was supposed to gift to - if they want it.

It makes things a bit messier, but that is a tradition that should not be helped to continue.

He probably wanted to take part!

I agree with pp- give the teacher a present for your dd that will seem to come from the boy whose mum isn’t giving a gift. After all, the children aren’t the decision-makers here- her stance is what seems unreasonable and even cruel (but also the school could communicate around this first to make sure everyone signed up).

Hate this sort of thing, any kid not included for whatever reason is going to feel left out, and puts pressure on parents at an already busy and expensive time of year. You buying her something is the best solution in this scenario, and if the other boy is the only not getting anything let him have the other gift that was already purchased.

Your idea is fine and will sort the problem. I think if the teacher or school has come up with this idea they ought to be sorting out any shortfall in gifts.

I am not teacher bashing, i am a teacher myself, but these things need to be thought through so no one is left out.

Definitely buy her something from secret santa.

Your school are NUTS to be entertaining this during school time.

I wonder if the mum actually cannot afford this, and it's her saving face explanation? Either was I do not agree with schools doing Secret Santa, or 'enforced' present giving like this. I would far rather a school asked for presents to give for charitable reasons to others less well off on a voluntary basis , perhaps a giving tree type thing.

Where I used to work in the late 1970s, we used to all go out for a meal (paid for by ourselves, not the company). We each brought with us one present, suitable for anyone, with a cheap budget the equivalent of Poundland today, and wrapped it. The presents were all put in a sack. We then had a 'secret vote' for Santa, and whoever won the (heavily rigged vote as it was pretty much decided beforehand) had to don a Santa robe and hat for the meal. At the end of the meal, and after much alcohol had been consumed, Santa started gifting the presents. He/She would pull a present from the sack, feel it and guess what it was and then decide who it would be best gifted to and why. So, for example a tin of travel sweets could be described as a tin of car polish and gifted to the person with the dirtiest car. A bar of chocolate could be a hardbacked notebook, and gifted to the person that always raided the stationery cupboard etc
I have never experienced such a hilarious SS since leaving that company. Highly recommended.

unfortunately quite a few times I got nothing. even as an adult, that stings. in all cases, it was because that person wasn't able to make the Christmas do, or manage to drop it off beforehand. but it happened a lot of times over my years at the company, and it is not fun being sat there while everyone else gets presents and you don't. they got to me afterwards, but it still felt very sad.

that said, I have had some amazingly thoughtful Secret Santa pressies. we had a facebook group where we were encouraged to write a bit about the sort of things we like, to give our Secret Santa some ideas. some of the things I got were LOVELY. even when they were a bit late. and it was almost a long running joke, if you've not made up the budget. get her fluffy socks. I bloody LOVE fluffy socks.

one year, I had to drop out due to finances, but my lovely co worker had already bought a load of lovely reduced TK Maxx halloween stuff for me, so people chipped in to take over my assigned person, and I was sat there feeling sad when the pressies were being handed out, and ended up crying because I was so touched they still included me, and what they got me was SO ME.

Surely a teacher organising this makes sure there's a present for every child before handing them out?? Pretty shoddy if they don't as it must be very common for someone to not bother or even be off sick. Even as an adult it's upsetting to be left out when everyone is gleefully exclaiming over their gifts, so it will be awful for a ten year old.

I would ask the teacher, what she is going to do now, when the gifts can’t be swapped. If she says there is nothing she can do, I would say to her that your daughter now also won’t be taking part in the Secret Santa and therefore won’t be buying a gift for the person whose name she got. I know it is unfair on the other child as well and it is a bit tit for tat, but it might make the teacher realise how awful this situation is, when she knows there are going to be at least 2 very disappointed children. If you aren’t comfortable saying that, I would definitely take the gift, that was meant for the other child and either gift it to someone else or give it to a charity.

To be honest, if I were the teacher, I would actually buy a few small gifts to cover for this eventuality and I would not be organising Secret Santa again.

I would pass a gift to the teacher , but I would kick up a stink. I hate these things. When did buying gifts become obligatory.

Probably a good idea to buy her a gift - but I would be surprised if the school hadn’t bought a few back up presents. I’m a teacher and we always provide a few spares for situations like this!

Why didn't the kids mum say something so his name wasn't in the draw? The fact he will now get a gift and accept it is terrible. What a Grinch!
Yes, do get your DD a gift, she will be so left out otherwise and that's not fair. I actually think the teachers attitude to it is poor as well. Surely some sort of message should've been sent out to make sure those who want to be fun sponges and not take part are withdrawn?

Also the family not bothering, they couldn't be bothered to a little fiver gift? Disgraceful and I'd make sure other parents knew.

I was left out of a secret Santa once, I spent ages picking my gift, and everyone else was happy and showing their gifts off. There I was with nothing and my gifter just said they didn't know what to get me! We gave a list of what we liked! And this was adults and it still sucked.

The mum should have made this clear to the teacher before. I would be annoyed too. I think it’s all very unfair but I would buy her the gift so she doesn’t feel left out.

It's a stupid idea from the school to do this without giving an option for the kids (and parents) to opt in or out...

Yes, give the teacher a present for your daughter

I'd do the same buy the gift and give to the teacher ..

This happened to me when I was a child, a boy I didn't really like had drawn my name and he decided to just not bother. It was not a money issue as school provided the funds.

My teacher went about it in a really dumb way, he told everyone that there was going to be one person who didn't get anything, but didn't say who until all the presents had been distributed.

In the end the boy's very apologetic mother bought me a Harry Potter sticker set twice the allocated amount, I like to think she got it out of his pocket money.

I would buy something for your DD, OP. Though part of me wishes this boy ends up with nothing.