To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

[Grealish]

DD is 10 almost 11 and in 5th class. They do secret Santa every year, and they pulled the names last week. The budget is €5-10 and they don’t do cards or presents for teacher etc as teacher is included.

On Monday I got a text from one of the other mams saying that her DS got my DDs name for secret Santa, simply saying they won’t be buying a gift as they don’t believe in this kind of thing. I wasn’t too bothered at first, as it seemed like an easy fix- whoever had her DS could just swap and have my DD instead.

I was speaking to her teacher yesterday about a separate thing and just mentioned the secret Santa issue, she said it’d be too late to start all over again because some people have already bought gifts - but that it should be easy to just swap the two around. But today I got a message from the mam (she was lovely about it) who had the other child and said they’d already bought him a present. She told me what it was and said DD was welcome to it, but it is quite specific to the boy and I know she wouldn’t enjoy it.

I’m not really one to make a fuss about things like this, and part of me just wants to ignore it, she’ll get loads of lovely presents over the Christmas, a €5 gift won’t make or break her Christmas. On the other hand I hate to think of everyone being excited opening their presents and her not having anything to open/opening a gift meant for someone else.

Would it be too much to secretly buy her a gift and give it to the teacher to give out as part of the secret Santa?

Who is 'they'?

We can all get into a storm over the rights & wrongs & finer details (yes she's a CF), but life is short, there's enough going on in the run up to Christmas. You have a perfect solution to stop your DD getting hurt by having no gift.

so yeah, just buy her a gift she'll enjoy (stick to the €5, don't go over the top as someone else suggested. That'll just cause more drama.

maybe mention when giving it to the teacher, that the other mother does celebrate Christmas, but not SS, but has no problem with her boy accepting a gift & how hurt your DD woukd have been had you not heard about this in advance & maybe they need to get parents to opt in or out.

Don't forget to wrap it in gift wrap your DD won't see at home & know you've done this!!

I’d buy a gift and hand it to the class teacher. The child should have been removed before drawing names as presume they ask parents first?

I hate it and refuse to participate.

And it's such a stupid thing to involve children in at school.

So her DS will be receiving his gift?
But, she doesn’t believe in Secret Santa…

Also, you have to buy something for the kid you have selected, and for your DD. Thus, spending a tenner.

Very unfair of that mum to do this!

And this is why I don't agree with SS at school (as a teacher). It's a really hard one to juggle and quite unfair. Not all can afford it, not all out enough effort in, and many don't really like the person they get. I know that it's meant to be a good thing but it tends to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I would assume the mum can't afford to participate this year and certainly wouldn't begrudge her little boy getting a gift along with everyone else - none of this is his fault. Send in a gift for your daughter, OP, it's a very simple solution.

Having my own tutor group in Secondary, I run a Secret Santa for them every year, and there are ALWAYS hiccups for multiple reasons. I'd say on average there's a 80% success rate across the group of 30, so generally 2 or 3 kids who end up with no gift, even though they may well have contributed themselves.
I do have spare gifts stashed in the cupboard, generic chocolate or silly socks, and make sure that when all the gifts with labels on have been given out, then those with nothing yet get one of the spares from the cupboard. Takes a little engineering so that they don't realise what happened!

If a parent ever supplied a gift to cover up for another parent or child not contributing that would be amazing, I'd sooo appreciate the thought, it's a great suggestion.

If it was my DD I'd absolutely buy the present, I think it's a nice way to solve the problem and make sure DD feels included. When I first started teaching secondary I thought secret santa would be great for my form, but I soon realised it was rife with logistical issues and potentially hurt feelings. I think it's one of those Christmassy things that sounds nicer than it is.

I'm not yet a parent but a school ss sounds a terrible idea and I join in my work one

Especially with all the allergies/different beliefs/potential moaning about a boy or girl being given a boy or girl specific gift when the parent only wants gender neutral etcetera

Plus the teacher will probably have to get a few spares in case children are ill/forget/lose the gift/parents can't afford it

I wouldn't particularly want to buy a random gift for a child my child may or may not like either!

How bloody annoying

I bet the teacher hasn’t thought this through and won’t do it again. Yes do buy something for your daughter though it’s ridiculous really that you should have to

This is exactly why as a teacher I will not do a secret santa with my tutor group. Even if it’s not like the OP above, it is extra stress on families and can be a side outlet for bullying. If the kids want to buy their mates presents then fine, go ahead.

That’s annoying. People should be able to opt out but before they do the ballot thing!

Why should the teacher have to do this? You do realise teachers are constantly buying things to supplement the crap budgets??

I was left out before and I did buy a prese t and it was shite. I hate doing it now encase that happens again!

100% buy for your daughter

I'd buy the gift. But I'd also suggest that in future years the school check who wants to take part before handing names out or children will be disappointed!

Whoever decides to do SS without opt out, whether the class teacher or more senior. Otherwise no all the adults have agreed.

The DS shouldn’t be allowed to pull out. He doesn’t get your DD a gift yet he gets one? He is effectively excluding someone else. Your DD will probably feel left out and maybe even bullied with no gift. I would be texting the boys mother back and telling her she’s a cheapskate!

Yea definitely. Surely this miserable mother isn't going to let her DS take a gift?

Gosh I’d be so annoyed at a school that enforced this! I hate it when schools have such expectations of parents (mums, let’s face it). And it means so many kids get left out too

In your shoes, yes I’d do exactly that, but her a gift yourself. I’ve been an the situation like PP where I’ve sat like an absolute lemon without a secret Santa gift despite taking part in the exchange myself and I felt like a total idiot - and I was a fully grown adult! I’d hate a 10yo to feel that way.

Thought I was the only one to notice that comment can't believe it's not been deleted.

Good point.

simply saying they won’t be buying a gift as they don’t believe in this kind of thing.

So why did the mum not tell the teacher to not put her son’s name in the hat if they don’t believe in that kind of thing? It’s very unfair to expect someone to buy her child a gift whilst not getting another child a gift

I can completely understand why you are frustrated. I don’t understand why they would do secret santa in a school setting. If the mum has been happy to participate in secret santa previously then it is unkind of her to refuse to participate this year especially when she knows that someone is buying for her son. It’s not her son’s fault though that his mum refuses to participate this year so I think it would be best to just buy a little gift for your daughter and give it to the class teacher to give to her. I would then ignore the mum.

It didn't sound like parents were given option or consulted. Perhaps I missed that?