To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

[Grealish]

DD is 10 almost 11 and in 5th class. They do secret Santa every year, and they pulled the names last week. The budget is €5-10 and they don’t do cards or presents for teacher etc as teacher is included.

On Monday I got a text from one of the other mams saying that her DS got my DDs name for secret Santa, simply saying they won’t be buying a gift as they don’t believe in this kind of thing. I wasn’t too bothered at first, as it seemed like an easy fix- whoever had her DS could just swap and have my DD instead.

I was speaking to her teacher yesterday about a separate thing and just mentioned the secret Santa issue, she said it’d be too late to start all over again because some people have already bought gifts - but that it should be easy to just swap the two around. But today I got a message from the mam (she was lovely about it) who had the other child and said they’d already bought him a present. She told me what it was and said DD was welcome to it, but it is quite specific to the boy and I know she wouldn’t enjoy it.

I’m not really one to make a fuss about things like this, and part of me just wants to ignore it, she’ll get loads of lovely presents over the Christmas, a €5 gift won’t make or break her Christmas. On the other hand I hate to think of everyone being excited opening their presents and her not having anything to open/opening a gift meant for someone else.

Would it be too much to secretly buy her a gift and give it to the teacher to give out as part of the secret Santa?

Is this at a private school? I find this really inappropriate for a school to do this. It’s not very inclusive, lots of families really struggle to make ends meet at Christmas. Sorry this doesn’t help you specifically but it seems like a crazy idea to so in the first place.

Yes, buy something and give it to the teacher to give her.

What a fucking stupid idea though. I hate secret santa at the best of times - had to suffer it in a couple of workplaces. But doing it in a school class is next level stupid. There are going to be people who can't afford to buy something, people who forget, people who don't celebrate Christmas and so on. It's awful for the children who might miss out because the child who drew their name hasn't brought a present for them and most of the rest of the class get something.

I hate anything where people spend other people's money for them by forcing such "jollity" on them. I'm probably miserable as sin but I don't care. We need to be much more aware of how much other people are suffering with CoL and how quickly 5 or 10 quid here or there for nonsense like this adds up into unaffordable sums.

I think it’s fine to buy your DD a gift and give it to the teacher to mix in with all the other presents.

in my sons last year of primary school they were going SS, limit if £3. My son mentioned one of his friends wasn’t doing it - so I messaged his teacher and asked how many children in the class weren’t taking part. She told me 3 of them weren’t, so I said I would get them a little something, probably just a chocolate bar, so they weren’t the only children in class not opening a gift. I think SS for children needs to be something they opt into, but I also think they should agree they won’t do it if everyone can’t - it must be horrible for a child to sit there with nothing (especially as it will presumably be the children who already have the least in life).

Wow! So much to unpack. A grinch, a fun sponge, couldn’t be bothered to spend a fiver, tell other parents. Poor child. I can tell you weren’t the kid in the class who learnt to dread events like this. Have you forgotten how much agency a child has? Be thankful that you don’t have to sweat over a fiver. Plenty of other people do. There’s only one source of responsibility for upset here and it’s not the parent or child.

I think definitely get something and give it to the teacher but make sure it's not wrapped in anything she would recognise etc.

The kids mother not buying a gift but allowing him to accept one is so scummy. This is how you end up with a bunch of entitled pricks who thinks the world revolves around them. Bet he hasn't thought twice how it will effect your DD.

The school needs to have a clear opt in / out policy for this to prevent this one way gifting that favours the grabby!

I think that the teacher should be finding out which kids/parents are up for it before the do the draw. I can envisage all sorts of problems! And not every family can afford an extra present for a child the parents maybe don't know - and perhaps the child doesn't even like!

The mother
I literally mentioned the mother.
DFOD

I would forewarn DD, accept the boy's gift, donate/sell it and buy her something else she wants.

I don't think it's fair for anyone to receive but not give.

Rude. Your post drips disdain and has not an ounce of empathy with the child or family. The child has no control. Children from poor families suffer in situations like this. You advocate telling other parents to what end? shame the family? You think the message doesn’t get back to the child?

Definitely buy your daughter something. It would be awful to be left out.

The teacher should sort something for her. It's not fair or eight to have 1 child left out like that.

School should have put a form up for parents to sign up to first, but I do find it sad that the parent couldn't join in. I note she's accepting a gift for her child.

I'd tell the teacher that she needs to sort the present for the other child and you'll get a gift for your dd.

This thread is crazy. The OP says the Mum of the boy won’t be buying a gift as they ‘don’t believe in it’. I read that as they don’t want the whole Secret Santa to take place AT ALL.

Some of the vicious language on here and lack of any insight into being in poverty or needing every penny just not to go under, is depressing.Now the mother is ‘scummy’ and (the child?) will ‘end up an entitled prick’, ‘hasn’t thought twice about how this will effect your DD’ and ‘grabby’. Really?!

So much care for the little girl who will be left out (yes that is bad and wrong too) but no care for the boy who would be left out if his Mum had been given an opportunity to opt out. The only way the Mum of the boy is bad in this is if she suggested this activity then didn’t buy a gift.

School should be an inclusive safe place for every child. I could afford a gift for every child in my kids class. I’d still be having a word with the school as the memory of being shamed, marginalised and left out due to my parent’s financial situation is still very real to me. This activity has no place in school.

We once did a non specific secret santa in one job. Everyone put their wrapped gift on the table and picked up a different one, no labels, choose the one you liked the look of. It meant you had to be quite generic. Poor male PE teacher got a pamper kit with bubble baths balls, mug, hot chocolate and marshmallows etc. At least it wasn't earrings though.

I don't think it's fair that the boy gets a SS gift when he's not participating. Unless his Mother thinks it's acceptable to take but not give?! I do think you providing a gift for your child is a great idea as long as the other child doesn't take the credit! I think you need to have a word with the teacher about this.

What strikes me about this is that the other mum didn't forewarn the teacher that she would not take part so that her kid would be removed from the draw. Her kid misses out, that's on her. No, instead she does it so her kid still gets a gift but someone else's loses out. Double CF.

Did you miss where I also blamed the teacher and their lax response too?

And who says they're poor? They could just be anti secret Santa, it could be religious reasons, why jump to poverty? You are worse because you assume someone's income. Typical MN. Anyone not joining in isn't out of order just poor.

Of course it's scummy! I grew up on a council estate and we were so poor we occasionally had packet pancakes for dinner, cooked on the old estate gas fire because we didn't have enough money to have the cooker on as well, so you're preaching to the choir.

If she 'doesnt believe in it' or can't afford it, the reason doesn't narter that they won't be involved, she should have told not just the person her son is meant to buy, for but also the school, so they could remove his name from the pool before somebody got him a present. It's basically akin to stealing otherwise, you go into agreeing to pay it forward with no intention of paying it forward. It ruins the experience for everybody. We don't even know if finances are the reason they don't want to be involved, it could be the mother isn't arsed, it could be they don't celebrate certain religious holidays, the reason doesn't matter.

There are givers and takers in the world and setting somebody up to think it's fine to be a chronic taker is batshittery.

the boy’s mother may well HAVE told the school as well? Who knows? After all the OP simply says the teacher told her it was too late to make changes so the teacher may have said the same to the boy’s mother. And so what if it’s money or religious choice or not believing in giving/receiving even more tat, or simply not wanting to be dictated to by others, that is guiding the boys mother? It’s not the boy’s fault; the mother may have legitimate reasons and there is no justification for the vicious language used by you and a number of posters here. Scummy? Come off it. Reserve that anger for the cheats and thieves who set out to deceive and deserve it:

If her kid gets a gift it is unsolicited by her and the child. She may well have told him to give it back when that happens. Point is a child is being put in a difficult position and they should not be. The mother hasn’t opted in to this. You may be too young to remember the days of charities sending unsolicited gifts to your home in the hope of charitable donations in return. It used to happen a lot. Would you apply the same vitriol to the receiver in these circumstances? The common point is that the item is unsolicited and no one opted in to take part.

YANBU

Other mom is a Grinch

She is setting out to deceive. She's taking and not giving in a game that only works if everybody gives. She is the epitome of somebody who ruins it for everybody esle. You're very passionate about this. I would assume based on your inability to see the issue, or willingness to acknowledge the moral fialings of this pitifull excuse for a human, you are also the type of person who takes things and feels entitled to ruin nice things for others. Others who is playing by the rules and and understand fairness and common decency.

Oh wow! So now the Mum who we know has TOLD the OP what she will do and MAY have told the school and MAY STILL tell her son not to accept a gift is a ‘pitiful excuse for a human’?! Completely over the top.

We always did secret santa at work and 2 Xmas on the trot the person who got me either was off sick or forgot the gift. Cant imagine a child not being upset by that so yes buy something for her

Yes do that, it’s a lovely idea! And really shitty of that mum

That's a good idea. Your child should not be singled out by not receiving a gift. That mum is ridiculous. Badly handled by the school too.