To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

It’d be interesting to see her costs, I bet she’s not making a profit. For example it costs about €600 to transport a dog from Eastern Europe to the UK. Obviously it’s cheaper to France and perhaps she’s doing it herself and has economies of scale but you’ve got vet fees and all the associated paperwork on top of the transport costs.

This. Which is what I would do

That would be a "hell NO" from me!
How much od a Christmas would it be for everybody when face with the massacre of your small family members?
Tell them you don't want to risk ruining family relationships by letting that happen, and it's up to them to sort out alternatives.

I'm a massive dog lover. Our previous dogs were all rescues (our current dog loves people and other dogs, hurrah!), all dog reactive and 3 of them weren't happy with people touching them, either. When people came to stay, we put OUR dog into kennels. If we went to stay with people, we put OUR dog into kennels - as the owners of the damaged dogs, it was OUR responsibility to keep OUR dog away from people and animals.

I'm utterly outraged at the notion that YOU should kennel and/or shut away all your animals so that BiL can bring a large, dodgy dog. NO, no, NO!

Stand firm.

OP I know you said BiL and his family live in a smaller house, but I can’t see if you’ve mentioned how far away from you they live. If it’s feasible why can’t they just come to you for Christmas Day and leave the dog at home - or nip back and feed/let it out periodically during their stay. If they live near you I suspect they don’t want to leave the dog alone because they’ll get back to find it’s trashed the house.

It doesn't matter if you shut your pets away, the dog will smell & hear them. He will try like 'ell to get into that room or closed off space. The barking would be non stop & will definitely frightened your animals. Also the smell of the dog in the house, garden etc, your pets will smell him & won't go where he's been. Tell your OH sod off to B/SIL house for xmas dindins. Yes it means you being on your own with your pets, but they need to see/feel the hard work goes into this bloody day to keep everybody else happy! Show your OH these replies (if he doesn't want to clean your pets blood up on xmas day) as he & B/SIL are in the wrong here very much!!!

The simple solution is that Christmas morning your DH collects his parents, drives them to BIL&SIL (and their untrained dog) for Christmas lunch and then back home that night, he can stay at DP if all that driving is too much and drive the hour back home the next day. You and the DC get a break after 17 years of hosting (for ungrateful bastards, it seems) and enjoy a quieter Christmas day. In the january sales buy your DH a discounted backbone as his seems to be missing.

BIL dog is not your problem,
PIL not wanting to stay overnight is not your problem,
17 years of hosting tradition ending is not your problem,
BIL & SIL having to cook their own meal for the first time in 17 years is not your problem.
All these people trying to make their problems yours to solve, it no longer works for you, so hand it all back to them.

Why can't BIL and family just have Christmas at their own house this year? There's no need for you all to be together every single year

I think GreatAnt makes a very good point. I too would be worried that they would try this ruse.

If your PILs are an hour away, would they be prepared to host BIL and family and leave the dog at PIL's house whilst they all visit you for the meal and then all leave after the meal to go back to PIL's house and whatever carnage the dog has caused.

Stand firm Op!

Dog aside how do you feel about always doing the hosting?

Perhaps the dog is an opportunity for change so that you can have the Christmas that you'd really enjoy.

Also there is no longer muddy waters (if ever there was) because OP has made it clear to bil it's not acceptable, and he's still trying to get his own way!

Good on you. Any reasonable person can see your BIL is insane. Don’t give an inch. If your DH continues to hound you, just say that you expected actual support from your DH and you won’t be doing christmas at all. Who actually does the work at christmas?

^ This - on repeat!

@twogreentrees - you wrote "BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. "
and you also wrote
"DH isn't being quite as insensitive re our dog as it might seem since if we couldn't get him into local kennels he could possibly go to my friend's house (although its a massive imposition at Christmas)."

Why is your dog not seen as being a member of your family, thereby precluding BiL's dog from being in your home? What has BiL done to train and more importantly house train his dog?

I would be very firm and say that while things are up in the air, none of this is your doing - it is BiL and SiL and their family that are throwing the collective spanner in the works. Last year they didn't have a dog and this year they do. You are saying that you are not willing to have their dog in your home (which is perfectly reasonable) and while PiL are still welcome to come to yours, BiL and SiL and their family must come up with their own solution to their dog (which does not include bringing it with them) and when they do that, they will also be welcome.

As for your DH - he needs to stand up for you guys more and not be beaten into submission by his relations.

Stand your ground. Put your (furry) family first.

They either come without the dog, or not at all. Simple as that.

Incidently, with a month to go, kennels are probably going to be booked up by now, so be prepared for the ‘we can’t leave him by himself’ rhetoric. In that case, he doesn’t come.

We got a dog two years ago. With pet ownership cones responsibility. He needs to learn this.

I'd be putting DH in a kennel for Christmas if he tried this with me! 😅

Think of the consequences; You give in, They visit, the monster attacks one of your animals and seriously injures it. £££vet's bill. Will they pay?
It would totally disrupt the family party. Everyone full of regret (except dog of course).
Nah! everyone other than OP being totally daft about this.

How entitled is he!

Tell him to stay home with the dog and let the children come, if he doesn't want them to lose out on a Christmas with family.

I think the mistake people like your DH make is starting put trying to accomodate and find solutions at all. When dealing with someone like your BIL it is best to go ballistic and become absolutely intransigent. The family holiday is now prey and your BIL, like his dog, is seeking dominance. Treat BIL roughly. Just keep repeating absolutely not. In fact I would withdraw the invitation. It is his problem to solve.

Id have the row and fall out me. Why should your dog be shoved off, your kittens stressed and a dog going mad at ducks every few minutes?

Tell them all to shut their yaps or hosting is completely off this year for everyone.

Their dog is part of the family so has to come to your home, but your dog isn't, even in its own home, so must be put in a kennel? Do the ducks have to join him there too?

Can they actually hear themselves?

Imagine sitting down to dinner with the dog barking, whining and scratching at the door to get to your kittens and ducks. How stressed will those animals be just by his presence.

I bet he'll just sit there while the chaos reigns down around him too.

His dog doesn't need to go into a kennel, he can get a pet sitter to come to the house and keep the dog company. There'll be plenty of students home for the holidays and willing to earn a bit of cash, watch TV and use the fridge in someone else's house at that time of year.

What do the PILs and SIL say, out of interest?

I have a dog (of a breed with a potentially high prey drive, though she doesn't have that) and two cats. There is no way an untrained dog with a high prey drive would be anywhere near my house, whether it belonged to a family member or the Queen of Sheba. And it's ridiculous of BIL to think that might in anyway work. They will have to stay at home with their dog.

Similar boat to you OP, family member who always brings his dog with him to Xmas dinner. I’m hosting this year and they’ve been told not to bring dog. Unfair on my cats to be chased all day in their own home. He has only grumbled about it so I can handle that.

Not a chance! Maybe they should host for once