To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

Part of the problem is that PIL wont go all the way to BIL's house (and want to come to ours anyway) so the narrative from BIL is that I'm changing plans last minute and their DC now won't see their grandparents. I admit I hadn't even thought about it until now since I had just assumed that they would put their dog into kennels.

Their dog is fine with people just not with small animals.

DH isn't being quite as insensitive re our dog as it might seem since if we couldn't get him into local kennels he could possibly go to my friend's house (although its a massive imposition at Christmas). He was as surprised as me when it was raised but he always tries to find solutions whereas I was the one who immediately said absolutely not. He suggested kennels and they said it wasn't possible since their dog won't stay in kennels. He then suggested that they get a hotel that takes dogs and one of the teens or SIL stays with the dog at the hotel and then they switch over part way through the day but that did not go down well either so he's then suggested to me that we try to find kennels.

I wont be backing down. No point anyway now since Im already the baddie!

Can you just book a local kennel for their dog and present it as ‘problem solved’?

Some (though obviously not all) owners seem to think it's up to everyone else to accommodate their decision to own a dog.

It's not.

Dog ownership comes with both benefits and drawbacks and the latter is especially true if the dog is a larger breed, aggressive or untrained (or a combination of all).

You make the decision to take on such a pet then the implications of this, which may impact who you can visit / cost of kennels is part of the deal.

Not everyone likes dogs and even those that do cannot / do not want to host animals that are problematic in their home setting.

Dogs are not welcome in my home full stop. I don't have to justify why and if that means some people won't visit, then fine.

I'm not going to be guilt tripped into giving in.

Stand your ground OP and tell your DH to find his bloody backbone (I'd be just as annoyed with him about this as his brother - kennel your dog? WTF!).

Their dog, their choice and consequences.

If they only live an hour ago can't they just drive over for the meal after taking DDog for a nice long walk?

But it's not for your DH to find a solution.

That's on BIL.

As per my pp his dog, his problem and he needs to stop expecting everyone else to take responsibility for homing a dog that is challenging, even from the perspective of other owners.

On what planet is this possible? We allowed a friend's dog into our house recently. Our cat had plenty of space to go to escape the dog. But sadly, we won't be doing it again as even though our cat did accidentally wander down, then got chased and (easily) escaped, he was completely traumatised and clearly in shock. At one point I was worried that I'd have to take him to the vet if he didn't calm down - you know how they start getting dehydrated from the shock etc? So we, and our friends, have agreed they won't bring their dog again.

To have a large, boisterous dog in your house with your cats and other dogs is a ridiculous idea, even more so for that length of time. I MIGHT be willing to lock up the kittens for a few hours, but not for a day and a night.

Come on op: just give him your room!

Oops sorry ! Only when it zoomed out I realised that gif was an even worse image to contemplate than I first thought …

Of course yanbu.

They have chosen to adopt this high-needs dog into their family and quite rightly the wellbeing of that dog is their priority but it is absolutely not compatible with any visit to your house so they will have to make other arrangements. You absolutely cannot waver on this they cannot bring the dog to you.

You family meetup will have to be different this year.

Perhaps they might be able to find dog-friendly accommodation near you/ could pay a dog-walking service to take it out for a 2hr walk so that BIL and family can come to you without it for a brief visit?

Or you can all drive to a half-way point to meet for a walk together.

@twogreentrees your husband is an arse expecting you to put YOUR dog into kennels as well as lock up YOUR kittens and YOUR ducks!!! the bil has got a bloody cheek expecting all your animals to be locked up in their own home just to be safe from his untrained dog!!! would not be happening in my house, thats for sure!!!

I can't believe your BILs cheek to be honest. I also think your partner is trying too hard not to upset them, but doesn't mind you being in the wrong. I would not be backing down on this, no way. In fact tell your BILs to stay home!

Erm, nope.

Stay strong, op!

I think the ILs might just have to travel to bils and he can host if he won’t relent on bringing his big high needs dog.

Stand your ground because if you let this happen once it'll be expected every year! You absolutely should not have to put your dog in kennels to accommodate someone else's dog and surely if BIL/SIL have any decency they would not want that to happen.
YANBU

I would be concerned that they agree to find alternative accommodation for the dog, the dust settles and they come to yours.
But on the actual day, turn up with the hound with an excuse that the arrangements have fallen through , put you on the spot and you end up with the dog regardless.
It's not going to end well.

Depends. One DB’s is a large work in progress, but when he is here DB will keep him on the lead when he is being over the top. Take him out for a million walks and generally manage the situations. So I am very happy to have them here. It is lovely to have everyone together and the cousins love it.

Will your BIL keep the dog under control?

This is mad. What if dog needs a pee?

I love dogs, but this isn't going to work.
How does dog manage to kill so much wildlife if never off lead?

You'll (they'll) be lucky to get into a kennel now! Not that this is your problem of course, but it's not necessarily the easy solution many posters are suggesting.

But no way should this dog be coming to your house. Your poor dog (which should not be farmed out to someone else) and those poor kittens. If the dog is seen as very much 'part of the family' then your pets are equally part of the family and should not be compromised.

Good luck with a resolution, and I'd be firmly in the camp of 'that dog is not coming to my house for Christmas (or at any other time)'

Yes this. He could have a lovely long walk after they have breakfast to wear him out and then they can come over for the meal for a couple hours. Sounds ideal to me. We have a well trained Labrador and I wouldn't expect that she could come wherever we go. I always ask is it's ok and if it's not we work around it.

Exactly.

I'd be absolutely furious with your DH for not supporting you. Why is he so worried about not upsetting his brother and SIL? You have hosted for 17 years, so it's not as though you haven't done your bit.

What is your husband’s angle here? trying to keep his brother sweet. It sounds batty to me.

Sounds crazy, my dog would kill cats and ducks in a heartbeat. Not in a million years would I take him somewhere where there are so many targets, so strange that BIL can’t see this.

I'd be telling my husband he could go to bil and sil for Christmas if he's so desperate to spend it with them! You get a dog and that comes with responsibility, and sometimes that means you can't go everywhere you want to- tough.

An untrained and unpredictable dog in a new situation ( your house with lots of people about) is a disaster waiting to happen. A bite incident is highly likely to happen.
A suspicious part of me thinks the dog would be rejected for kennels and BIL knows this.