To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

Absolutely no way would that dog be in my house. Ever.
Say no, no arguments no compromise, they should have thought it through before taking on a dog that clearly has issues. And I am a dog lover. But I also care about my cat too.

No, no and no! The only dog that someone should assume they could bring is a recognised service dog as everyone would know that they rely on it before issuing an invitation. As pp have pointed out the dog will sense the other animals and will try to go after them and someone may get hurt trying to stop them. The other animals will also sense the dog and will get very stressed especially if they are shut away and can’t escape. Just don’t do it.

No muddied waters. I have dogs. I gave friends with dogs. I do not and would not take my dogs to their houses for five minutes, let alone a couple of days, without discussion and agreement.
Just because someone has a dog, it is not right to assume you have the right to take your dog to their house.
OP - stand firm.

The weird thing is that he wants you to consider his dog as an equal member of his family but doesn't want you to consider the same status for your own pets as members of your own family. He wants your pets to be sidelined/shut away/sent away or if not be at risk of maiming/death and thinks you should be putting his pet as a higher priority than your own. He must be either stupid or massively narcissistic if he can't perceive the disjoint here.

If one of the human members of his family were prone to out-of-control fits of violence which would put members of your family at serious risk of injury or death would you be inviting them all to dinner? I suspect that saying that the non-violent members of the family can come but not the dangerous one would be exactly what would happen if this was a human family member.

Apologies I see they live 3 hours away. They should have thought about things like this when they got the dog. Dogs are great but they are a tie and sometimes restrict what you can do. You definitely aren't being unreasonable OP.

How stupid is this, put your dog in kennels because we won’t?
Your family will be traumatised when the dog kills a poor kitten in its own home.
Don’t we have enough homeless animals in the uk already with cost of living crisis? My own cat was a stray who had been on the streets for two years and he was obviously a pet cat who had been abandoned.We have no need to import strays when we cannot solve our own animal problems.

Absolutely this.

My SIL adopted a dog from Romania - it's a big dog, untrained and reactive. Came as quite the surprise to her when I told her she absolutely could not bring the dog with her to stay - we have cats and chickens. Plus I'm just not up for having someone else's dog in my house. She refuses to consider kennels so she can't come to stay (pre dog she was a regular). Oh well.

yes it is a part of the family...at least mine were and that means it has the right not to be stressed out by taking it somewhere strange where it will be surrounded by triggering sights and smells and have to spend the day on a lead.

The fact OP has a dog (and other small animals) doesn’t muddy the waters at all - it makes it even clearer that another large dog, especially one with a high prey drive, would be a really terrible idea.

I have a large dog myself and would never assume it’d be ok to take her to anyone else’s house - and she’s a well-behaved one. Stand firm OP, your husband needs to find his backbone here.

Honestly your BIL and SIL are pieces of shit . I’d permanently univite them and their rabid stray from Christmas and any other gathering at your place . Your pets have a right to be safe in their home. Uninvited them , that’s all . Don’t stress anymore about it

As a side note, what is the rescuing from overseas thing about? Don’t we have enough dogs in need of homes in the UK?

If your BIL is upset that his children won't see their grandparents the solution is for him to drive, or take the train, and take his children to see their grandparents.

How dare they get miffed when you have hosted them for the past 17 years? What an ungrateful jackass.

Ridiculous! What is wrong with your DH?!?!

I'd use this as a reason to stop hosting.
BIL can go to his parents and you have a nice quiet Christmas at home.

You are not unreasonable. If they come to you they can make arrangements for the dog which would probably be kennels as the dog sounds a bit much for a dog walker. I'm sure they can afford it and though I know nobody wants to do that with their pet, needs sometimes must and it won't be for long.

They also need to take their dog to dog training classes in the new year.

If they won't leave the dog, tell them they have to spend Christmas at home. I doubt very much anyone else would want them at theirs.

Do be firm, you have to put your own pets first, it's their home.

Cancel Christmas entirely. Tell DH he needs to get on Amazon and order himself a bloody backbone. I suspect it’s more than just the dog that needs socializing and training - that whole family needs some very clear boundaries.

They’ve got time to find a dog sitter-there’s loads around.

Even if you lock your kittens away for the duration of their stay, the dog will be desperate to get to them and could easily destroy your house in the process ... but also, the sounds of an angry dog outside a door will be an extremely stressful situation for your kittens and is not fair on them at all.

You are doing the right thing OP ... stand firm and give your wet lettuce DH a kick up the arse to remind him of his priorities.

Oops, don't know what happened to the quote but this was in response to Apollo365

You'd think, wouldn't you?

I'm in France and the govt clamped down on bringing dogs in from Romania but now they seem to be coming from Ukraine. A local woman who runs a 'charity' rehoming dogs has an endless supply of Ukrainian puppies which she punts rehomes for 250 euros a pop.

No one in their right mind would want a dog that kills other animals

Of course they would. For a start every sighthound out there (probably with a few exceptions) will kill small furry animals if given the chance, it doesn’t make them dangerous or in any way a poor choice of pet but clearly you have to manage them more than a dog with no prey drive.

OP don’t entertain it. There will inevitably be a tragedy if you do, and they’ll find some way to blame you for it. If they’re nagging your DH why is he engaging with it ? He’s a grown man and he should know what the risks are. It will make the Christmas period stressful for all and he should have your back and end the discussion. And why is it unacceptable for them to put their dog in kennels but to expect you to do so with your own dog. Just no. End of.

Your pets are members of your family. And it's THEIR home. They get priority over an out of control dog.

Not remotely unreasonable to refuse and they are deeply unreasonable to assume it would be fine without even asking. Tough sh*t that you are not a complete mug.

Choices are fairly simple I think. I wouldn't entertain the idea of crating a dog like this.
They stay at home. PILs to go to them for Easter.
They find somewhere to take the dog
You cancel Christmas at yours entirely.

Do not let that dog in your house. Even with your pets shut away, it won't work.

I have a small dog with a high prey drive. She is never allowed off a long line as she would chase everything and anything small that moved. I am 100% certain if I took her into a home with cats in even if she couldn't see them she would know they were there and would become obsessed with getting to them. I don't 'think' she'd attack them, just loves to follow a scent and would definitely chase. It would be very stressful for my dog, let alone the poor animals it was trying to get to.

No muddied waters at all. There’s a difference between having a dog which is socialised enough to get on with other household animals and one who is out of control, has no recall and sees any other animal as prey.

I mean, I say things like my dogs are part of my family, but that doesn't mean that I assume that they are welcome everywhere I want to go. They are canine members of a mixed species family, and as such have different needs.