To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

It's their issue to solve and not yours.

Are they expecting to stay with you for the 2 days with the dog, or have they realised that would be bonkers and the expectation is to come for Christmas lunch?

If there was a possibility of eg dog staying in a crate for 3 hour meal while other pets were able to be kept safe, and had BIL asked us to consider that option, then I might.

Otherwise I think they need to leave the dog at home and beg a friend or neighbour to walk it and they just come for lunch.

Or they need to host.

Or they spend Christmas with their new rescue pet and accept that is the consequence of their actions.

If it's killed lots of other animals I doubt they can/will keep it under control by the sounds of it.

Yes! Or if they want to stay a bit longer couldn't they have a neighbour or friend pop in to see to the dog?

I have a difficult dog. She's not 'untrained' per se but she has a high prey drive and hates other dogs. I only let her off in specific circumstances.

If this were me, and I wanted to stay over somewhere due to distance, wanting to drink alcohol, transport or any other reason, I'd try to arrange a friend to stop over with the dog. Do they have anyone who could do that? Although obviously not your problem to sort out.

Having my dog around ducks/cats would stress ME out, nevermind the hosts as I'd have to watch the situation constantly and I'd hate to stress other animals (which a predator in the house can do, as illustrated by a PP, even if nothing untoward happens).

A dog with a high prey drive will know there are kittens upstairs and will do everything to get them.

mumsnet stands with you @twogreentrees .

Good for you - remind DH that it would put a real downer on Christmas if your kittens and / or ducks were killed by their out of control mutt. It's your home, and if you're not happy, it doesn't come, I'm afraid.

The dog is now not allowed off lead following various incidents where it ran off. They have a fairly small house but a large garden backing onto fields so it has killed things whilst in the garden or out with BIL in the fields.

Even if we had the kittens upstairs and our dog elsewhere the dog will go ballistic every time it sees the ducks through the garden doors.

DH does agree with me, he is just trying to find a solution.

BIL won't come just for the day. It's too far. They are nearly 3 hours from us.

Thank you!

Yanbu. Wrong to assume a well trained, small dog could come and stay without checking.

Irresponsible to even consider bringing a dog with high prey drive to a home with small pets.

@twogreentrees can I ask what BIL has done to try and correct the behaviour of his dog? There's a few trainers out there who can help with former street dogs and muzzling will keep other animals safe.

Jesus christ. I think this is the watershed moment OP. BIL sounds awful and quite frightening. No one in their right mind would want a dog that kills other animals. And to think of bringing that dog into someone's home. Speechless.

Unfortunately you have a DH problem here more than anything else.

This will be the year that causes a rift for decades. I'd accept that joyfully tbh, whichever way this goes you will be painted as the bad guy. So you may as well get what you want out of it iyswim. Good luck.

tell your DH to grow a pair!

Originally I thought yanbu but then read you have your own dog so can see the waters are a bit muddied and why might be family conflict. We have no dogs on the property rule that all visitors know about so never any grey areas about types/temperaments of dogs. I wouldn’t want to be around dogs of any kind when relaxing with children and food at Xmas.

you have found a solution. Dog does not come.

tbh I would take this opportunity to say 'actually we've hosted for the last 17 years, and it's getting to be too much with the kids getting older, needing more room and eating more. Not to mention the pets! Plus I think we deserve a break after this long! So let's take this opportunity to rethink Christmases going forward, as we would prefer to have a more chill family one. Let's just both do our own thing from now on and organise a meet up at a pub sometime in twixtmas. PIL you are welcome to come here on Christmas Day if you want, or go to BILs, or stay at home, or alternate each year, entirely up to you.'

That way PIL can make their own decision about whether they want to visit you or BIL so he can blame them not you.

You're already the bad guy, unless you actually like doing the big hosting thing then take advantage and get something you want out of it! (also your DH needs to grown a pair).

Totally agree that dog shouldn't come to yours but be aware, you are unlikely to get a kennels for xmas at such short notice unless you have a long term relationship with them.

OMG WTF! No way. As a dog lover YANBU.

Not reasonable to assume if someone ownes a dog any dog is welcome. Maybe a dog that also likes kittens and ducks would be but not a big dog with high prey drive. Are you honestly saying dog owners have to accept any dog visiting?

We could never take our dog anywhere because he used to bark all the time. He didn't try and bite anyone or eat people's pets but he was a complete pain in the arse outside of his own house. So that meant we never went anywhere. If you have a pet you have to be responsible for it yourself, not foist it and it's unfortunate quirks on other people.

They only live an hour away, surely they can just come and visit and then go back home? Give the dog a good walk before they go and it should be fine for a good while.

Sounds like BIL is a proper dopey dog owner who thinks people being intolerant of his dog's (bad) behaviour is a you problem. People like him give dog ownership a bad name.

My friend has a similar Eastern European rescue dog. My friend is an experienced dog owner and the dog is actually a lovely dog in general and great with people. However she has a huge prey drive and once she spots prey she has no recall at all. She lunges at cats, runs after squirrels. Also pins down smaller dogs if given the chance (she is only playing but the small dogs don't know that!).

No way would it be appropriate to have your BIL's dog in a house with small animals.

Yes. This is obvious from the BiL's comment that "the dog is part of the family".

No it isn't - it's just a dog.

They need to find kennels. If they can find one to take it...

It’s enough that you’ve hosted for 17 years. Get your boundaries in place. Of course these people will be annoyed you’ve put your foot down.
sounds like a DH issue?

^^ this totally
I am a dog lover and in those circs I'd stay at home with the dog but I would do it calmly and cheerfully and say to the family that they totally understand your POV....actually that would have been my attitude from the get go and I wouldn't even have asked you, just given my apologies. What your idiot Bil hasn't considered is that it will be HORRIBLE for a high prey dog to be on a lead all day surrounded by prey scent and sights in a strange place. He really is a thoughless idiot.