To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

I would be putting my foot down so hard about this that there would be a hole in the floor. And DH's arse from kicking it.

YANBU

no way would I allow this

Aside from the risk to your own pets, it sounds like this dog is very highly strung and wouldn’t settle in a strange home for the day where it will be massively overstimulated by all of the people, pet smells and food.
It is kinder to the dog that they stay home with it this year until it has decompressed and settled in its own space.
Taking it anywhere with birds and kittens is never going to work.
THEY are being unfair to their own dog.
YANBU

And that's before we mention what terriers were bred to do and are still very useful for on farms and such! While we are at it let's mention that cats aren't exactly unpopular as pets, despite killing wildlife given half a chance.

My terrier would absolutely kill a rat, mouse or a squirrel. He doesn't, because I prevent it. My Labrador couldn't care less about small squeaky things. Both awesome, loving, much wanted pets.

The prey drive in dogs who have had to hunt to survive is strong. This shouldn't really be a surprise to anybody, although it frequently is. Sounds like BIL has got a typical Romanian street dog. The prey drive, along with a reluctance to bond with people, being difficult to train, and having a tendency to run away given half a chance are all things that are common in eastern European street dogs. It's not the same as a domesticated dog being chucked out of a moving car, street dogs in Romania are closer to wild dogs than that, and many people underestimate them. I would stand firm as you are doing, OP, it's not a suitable environment for him.

Maybe their kids would prefer a Christmas at home for the first time in their lives. I know I always resented being dragged away from all my new gifts over Xmas. As for putting your own dog in kennels? wtf. I’d tell him exactly where to stuff that idea.

It never ceases to amaze me how weird and ridiculous people can be about dogs.

The best solution is that BIL stays at home with his dog. Your DH can go over there and join them.

This is a very sensible opinion. For the sake of the newly-rescued dog - they should not bring it.

I'd meet Somewhere in the middle to be honest - if your BIL&SIL don't respect your home and pets
Then an alternative option should be found

Yanbu. People who insist on bringing their dogs everywhere are the worst.

Your DH needs to explain to your BIL than when you get a dog, you are tied. When you get a dog with behavioural problems, your life starts to revolve around them. I have well trained dogs, I wouldn't bring them to someone else's house and tbh, I don't think they would enjoy being in a strange place, in the middle of lots of people, noise and excitement. This dog will have a meltdown. They are being selfish fucking idiots. I like a PP's idea of DH going to them for the day instead. Get a takeaway on Christmas Eve, heat it up Christmas day and spend the day eating sweets and watching movies! Sounds like bliss to me!

Say what now 😳

What a drip your DH is! It’s not fair to you, it’s certainly not safe for your animals, it’s not a good idea for the dog either.

Your BIL is a clueless twit and somebody needs to tell him. Stand firm! This is all on him. You can’t take on a dog like that and expect to bring it everywhere you go.

Even as a dog owner I would never assume that my dogs were welcome somewhere.
It sounds as though BIL did not think through all the consequences of dog ownership and is now making that everyone else’s problem. Just the fact that the new dog isn’t socialised with yours would make it an uncomfortable experience. I am surprised that no conversation was had earlier in the year because coming to you at Christmas seems to have become the norm. Or do you specifically invite them each year, rather than it being assumed? It would have been fair to let them know that they would not be able to bring their dog, let them get their heads around the idea and think through their options. Presumably, if you had been even considering them coming you wouldn’t have added kittens into the mix. I have voted YANBU because obviously you have every right and very good reasons to say no, however, the situation could have been perhaps made less stressful with some forethought and advance discussion. I’m guessing that this is maybe in part why your DH is trying to find a solution.

Stand your ground.
6 adults , 2 DCs, a menagerie of small animals on their ! home patch do come before another dog's xmas experience.
Who is in charge here, their dog ?
Also have a rescue dog and cats, trained and socialized though.
No
way would I impose their needs before host and host animals.
I wouldn't kennel mine either and put their needs first by staying at my home with them.

You can’t really host BIL now anyway as he will just be sitting there fuming about his dog.

I would be inclined to say you are having Christmas at home just your immediate family so BIL can host MIL. Or go away.

It is all going to be drama and I would prefer to avoid it completely. If DH is wavering, he can fuck off to MIL/BIL and you can have a lovely Christmas without any of them.

Do your own parents get a look in or are they no longer around?

So your husband wants to find a solution which pretty much amounts to appeasing your BIL and sending your own dog away and locking up the rest of the animals? That is not a solution. He needs to man up quite frankly and put his brother straight.

Why should you be inconvenienced and your dog spend the day in kennels! Fuck THAT!

I honestly cannot bear the utter selfishness and entitlement of some people.

I have a dog who is very reactive to strange dogs. My in laws keep insisting that they bring their dog to our house and it'll all be fine.

I just keep saying no on repeat. They hate that they don't get their own way but tough shit.

People that deploy words like 'offensive' in situations like this are total jeb ends that should never be pandered to in any way and ideally be called out on their total knobberness. God alive!

So what if BIL is in a strop? You’ll be in a strop if dog comes. So dog can’t come and if that means BIL can’t come, oh well.

My lovely dB and sil also have a Romanian street dog who hates kennels. They are also a three hour drive away. I have timid cats.

I did get requests in the early days to maybe shut my cats in another room. I said no, they would be terrified. All the feliway in the world wouldn't stop them wetting themselves under the bed.

I'm really glad now I stuck to a firm line and recommend you do too, or you will forever be getting, "We're just in the area, could we bring him in for ten minutes". It means we see less of each other and that is sad, but we took that on when we chose to have pets.

Stand firm; ducks and kittens have rights too!

Not even close to unreasonable! I'm usually on these threads muttering 'my god you're all arseholes' & am embarrassingly pro-dog but they are being ridiculous. Can't stand these ppl that rescue overseas dogs & aren't remotely equipped to do so. Barely anyone is!

Stick to your guns, you're absolutely correct.

So a few years ago we got a rescue, he was (and mostly still is) very reactive to dogs and small furries and like your friends dog he also has killed things.
We had some friends down south who have small terriers and they were desperate to meet our dog and basically said come to us for the day and we will put the terriers in the kitchen and our dog can stay in the living room. I wasn't especially happy but after much pleading we went. It was a disaster, our dog was too hyped up knowing there was some other dogs in the house. He spent all afternoon trying to get out the door to the kitchen door hr scratched doors and paintwork. He was so frustrated and stressed. In the end we had to leave and take him for a long walk to get the stress out of him.
Having a reactive dog in a house with other dogs does not work. The reactive dog will not settle and it will constantly pace and try to get out doors. Honestly it would be a disaster.

That's truly hilarious @twogreentrees.

Maybe you could send them a lovely folio copy of "the hound of the baskervilles" and a big juicy bone for Christmas and then nail the front door shut? Sounds like it would be far more peaceful.

btw your pets sound lovely. I wish I had ducks.

I would be so angry with my DH in this situation. Is he normally this jellylike? I would be having a massive row with him over this but I would also be sick to the back teeth of hosting. Seventeen years! You need a medal the size of a manhole cover, not oppositional fuckwittery!

Also lolling at the dog being "A member of the family". They need to get out more.