To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

Add drink in to the mix..say no OP.

I can't comment on the OP's in-law's dog who might have had to catch small fluffies to survive but my prey-driven dog is an ex-racer who was trained to chase small furry things but completely ignores birds and squirrels, and is very gentle with larger dogs, horses and people, including children, but is always supervised when he's around children as we only meet them on walks.

It's about being a responsible owner which, from the sound of it, the OP's in-laws currently aren't

In fairness @twogreentrees, your SiL has given you the perfect reason to not host and if they kick off you simply turn what she has said to you back to them,
"Unfortunately SIL in particular has spent many an hour regaling us with stories of how out of control their dog is around other animals and how many small animals he has caught and killed."
So this becomes
"Unfortunately SiL and BiL, as you've spent many hours telling us stories of how out of control your dog is around other animals and how many other small animals have been caught and diet by your dog, why do you think we would open our doors to such an animal when we have many small animals that would be a risk here??? We'll have a firm no to your dog coming for Christmas, or any time really."

If they bring the dog it'll be carnage...

You are definitely not being unreasonable @twogreentress.

FWIW - I also always do Christmas Dinner for the family (although it's actually on Christmas Eve as that's my family's Danish tradition) - because I enjoy doing do

What I don't understand is why your BIL thinks you can solve his problem by putting your dog into kennels quite apart from the fact that it doesn't really solve the risk to the cats and ducks when he can't get his own dog into kennels as they're already booked up

You're definitely right to stand firm. Either he sorts out a dog/house sitter or he has to miss out on "the family" Christmas Dinner. His dog, his choice, his consequence.

They can put it in animal care/hotel for 2 days.

• Post to Local Facebook groups - ask for available dog walkers / dog sitters / dog boarders….
• Ask a neighbour(s) if they can pop in to let the dog out for a dump at intervals throughout the day & feed it…
• They live 3 hours away…. So they could drop the dog at any kennels along the way and collect on way home….. so they could literally call kennels and boarders etc anywhere along the route! It doesn’t need to be local to them!
• Does that site still exist where people ‘borrow a dog’ ??
• Any friends who would happily have a dog and don’t have other pets? My friend used to insist on having our dogs Christmas Day.. she adored them.. or even someone with a secure garden and shed the dog could stay in during the day?!
• This situation is going to arise every year and they need to come up with solutions…
• If PIL’s live an hour away could the dog be left there and someone pop there to see to the dog during day?
• Could dog stay in the car and BIL pop out every couple of hours to take it for a walk round the block or to a local park? (As a last resort)
• I know you’ve said the PIL’s are elderly and can’t cook and you don’t want to cook there… BUT Could you all meet there and spend a few hours together… even if you have beans on toast… or do a ‘Christmas’ a few days before or after Christmas and have a curry (take out) …. Or all take something that just needs reheating… then do a Christmas dinner at home another day for you and PIL’s!! I know it’s a hassle but spending time together is the main part of Christmas and just coming up with some crazy ideas.

I hope BIL finds a solution! Good luck and I hope it all works out!

Posted on wrong thread. Hopefully this is deleted.

I mean to be fair to Dog-in-law, he didn’t ask to come over and so I’m not seeking to blame the government for my Christmas stress

Sorry about that !

Ask your BIL straight out what his dog will do in the presence of your dog, two kittens, and the ducks. How will his dog react?

If he says that his dog will chase and harass them, then tell him that it’s his responsibility to control this dog. HE needs to find a solution.

Neither you nor your DH should be trying to resolve this, the responsibility lies entirely with your BIL.

Neither you nor your DH should be trying to resolve this, the responsibility lies entirely with your BIL.

This

Your DH should have said no to the dog without involving you. Instead he's told them he's fine with the dog coming but you aren't. And now you're totally the baddie here with BIL and SIL. These are not the actions of a supportive husband.

Err no. Thats not what happened. He never said it was all my decision. I said it wouldn't be happening (mentioned on a FaceTime call when I was in the room)

For ease of reference:

Me - firm but annoyed at disruption of Christmas plans
DH - clear that it was a no, but tried to see whether we could find a solution to keep the peace and avoid disrupting plans. This involved a few ridiculous suggestions whilst clutching at straws. Grumpy and stressed about it but getting over it.
BIL - initially stroppy, now mellowing to simply annoyed at the situation
SIL - wishing she hadn't told us about Dog-in-law's killing spree and wondering how long you cook a turkey for
PIL - worried that people are upset
Dog in law/teenagers on both sides - couldn't really care less

No psychos, no C*nts, slightly CFs but I don't actually think deliberately so to be fair - more thoughtless

DH is not unsupportive. I will not be rushing to LTB

Your OP said DH was in a strop but now you say DH was clear it was a no.

The story has changed so I'll bow out. No one suggested LTB.

He was in a strop. The whole thing has been stressful and frustrating and nobody likes dealing with upset family members. He’s now very grumpy still. All of your posts have been saying how he is unsupportive and how it’s “telling” that he won’t defend me etc. I’m just pointing out that you’re wrong.

i think the thread has probably run its course anyway. There is not going to be any dramatic conclusion. In the highly unlikely event that BIL turns up with the dog anyway the dog will be staying in their car and they won’t be staying overnight and I will of course update for the masses.

I’ve just come back from a weekend away with family and 3 dogs - 2 bouncy high energy ones and one pottering wobbly old gentleman (none of whom live together). Despite being carefully managed, appropriately occupied, separated and the younger ones given long walks, there were still a couple of squabbles. It was a new exciting environment, there was a lot of food around and more people and activity than normal. Honestly, it was a lot of work and your BIL is being naive if they imagine otherwise!

Unless you have a super chilled out dog who enjoys (rather than tolerates) new environments and the additional chaos (and hazards) of Christmas, I don’t think it’s fair on anyone. I imagine this would be super stressful for a recent rescue and for your own pets.

In addition to considering the immense hassle, stress and PITA it will be for you, they also need to consider it also isn’t fair on the dog either. People need to realise dogs don’t need to come to every bloody event and aren’t necessarily happy doing so.

@twogreentrees these threads always degenerate into people inventing their own version of events and then arguing the toss about things that never happened.

I hope you have a lovely christmas - do brace yourself for this possible outcome though..

IL turn up with dog - 'Ddog will definitely stay in the car and we'll pop out to walk him/feed him etc'...

Everyone gets drunker and more tired and it gets colder and then ... 'oh can't DDog come in on the lead just for a little bit'...

(Possible addition of: 'Your neighbours are looking at our car with concern, I fear they're calling the RSPCA/police/fire etc over an abandoned dog'..)

So I'd avoid the 'dog can stay in the car' idea, it sounds practical but unless their car is some sort of van or has a huge boot, and their dog already used to spending hours in the car unsupervised... it's going to end up with you and DH being put on the spot when you're least equipped to stay firm.

YANBU to not want a dog in your home that could be a danger to your animals, but, as a dog owner yourself, I'm surprised you didn't think to let them know.

I would always expect my siblings to bring their dogs if they came over to stay (even if they just came for lunch tbh). I've never put my dog in kennels and never would, but I find it especially concerning to put a dog in kennels that it's settling in after an adoption.

Could there not have been some compromise that the dog has to be muzzled when out of the bedroom BIL is staying in?

If I was BIL I'd stay at home with the family and travel up to see PIL after Christmas.

Your house, your rules.
They can either leave “Killer” at home or they can all stay home.
And if they have an attitude in your home while you're hosting them, they can jolly well hit the road.
That’s all she wrote.
In fact, the more I think about it, FTS - send your unsupportive husband to them — he and Killer can share a bed at BIL’s cramped house for this holiday and you can have a well-deserved break.

I'm surprised you didn't think to let them know

Huh? The very title of the thread says she's refused to let BIL bring his dog!

I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel.

What part of NO do they not understand? Just NO!

What an idiot he sounds! Does the stupid man not realise he lives with you and not his dopey brother and sister in law!! If be off after Xmas.