To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

Ah, I think this is relevant to the PUG THREAD.... where someone has a Pug they profess to hate, and the Pug {un-neutered, un trained} is peeing everywhere in the house.

The OP of that thread has a cat they love, and a baby, and Pug is not really wanted by the sounds of it.

The Pug thread?! 👍 Quite agree with you on this.

Is he suggesting you pay for the kennels in this scenario, given that you’re hosting? Surely even if you went with this suggestion BIL should pay?

Find kennels for "D"h? Permanently.

Have a peaceful Christmas at home, "D"h goes to visit his brother

I honestly think you're both doormats, your DH should just his brother a flat no, and you should both tell them to contribute to the meal after 17 years of not bringing anything

You said he wasn’t defending you, that ‘I am very much the baddie in this’. I can also defend myself, but obviously I also expect dh to. What is the point of him if he isn’t a team here, why would I marry someone and expect to be on my own in every disagreement including with his family?

Crazies gotta crazy! 😁

I was wondering if there was any scenario where they just show up with the dog on Christmas Day too.

Have you got a pre-thought out response and plan?

Much easier to say ‘No Sorry’, dogs name is not down, he’s not coming in… If you and your DH have discussed it before hand.

Maybe even have a ‘jokey’ conversation with PIL about how there would be no room at the Inn if the dog showed up ‘unexpectedly’ too.

No invitation, no admittance.

Talk through the possibilities with DH and be clear what you’d accept if confronted with it on Christmas Day.

The family joys of the jolly season 😁
Have a good one !!

Did they ask...dog could join in?
(would suggest 50/50 vhance would be a outright no)
did i read they stay two days?you arent just anti east euro rescue pet as such.Have they try speak \command in its native language ?it maybe doesnt understnd english? (i am so sorry tea is come out my eyes laughincryin at that)
b\ack to it. dog not invited.obvious reasons.non debateable.the end.
f++k em

If the dog understands Russian не ешь кошку is don't eat the cat, following on the idea from @tolerable

I do feel some on this thread are writing their own narrative here.

DH is not a selfish arse. He is trying to explore solutions to a difficult situation. He doesn’t need to speak “for” me but would do if I didn’t feel I could. He is largely the one obviously having the conversations and messages with bil since they’re 3 hours away. He’s backing up what I’ve said.

Dog-in-law is not a rabid child killer. He’s not well trained has zero recall and has a very high prey drive but is perfectly fine with people. I don’t agree with adopting animals (cats or dogs) from abroad but that’s a different issue.

BIL is not a horrible person he just made assumptions. He is now in a strop and I am the baddie in their eyes but that’s because they wanted to come for Christmas and see everyone but now that plan has been scuppered and they have limited other options for leaving the dog this close to Christmas. He knows I’m sure that he ought to have thought it through more carefully. He disagrees that the risk is high which means he is frustrated and has expressed that to DH. He has also said that Christmas has been ruined now etc but they’re brothers and fairly close so not unusual to say things like that whilst venting the frustration. Theyre not just going to turn up unexpectedly on Christmas Day FFS- they’re not completely psychotic. DH is also grumpy and stressed since Christmas plans are now disrupted but it’s more frustration with the fact that none of the proposed solutions are workable and that impacts on our plans. It’s a shame for everyone and in particular PIL are elderly and it’s nice for them when everyone is together. dH is not the one thinking I’m a baddie, that’s BIL.

Im not a spineless downtrodden wench having family Christmases foisted on me where im a slave to my ILs and sitting crying in the cinders once they’ve gone. It suits me to host because we have animals plus both DH and I get to have a drink, go for a walk with the dog mid in the morning and avoid the roads. Plus my teens are happier in their own space. Plus my house looks fucking ace at Christmas. I admit it would be nice if SIL offered to do a bit more/anything but that doesn’t mean I’m going to delight in a quiet Christmas. who wants to be on their own at Christmas? That’s not the family Christmas I had planned and we rarely get together as a whole group.

Anyway no real updates. They have apparently called some kennels but all booked up.

Totally irrelevant but. DOG IN LAW. Love it.

Don't be so reasonable @twogreentrees . This is MN and AIBU where everything is hyperbole and extreme. No one discusses and comes to a sensible solution. People are either Mary Poppins or Hannibal Lecter, nothing in between will suffice!

Thanks for the update OP

I'll gently push back at your suggestion that SIL should do more to help with Christmas catering, as its not / shouldn't be womens work In the 21st century.

I assume you meant that SIL and BIL should do more

There are loads of individual dog sitters around-get them to put something on their community facebook page; I’m sure something would pop up

Send them a link to rover.com. Dog care will be available if they really try hard.

Sorry I'm not able to read the whole thread and someone may have said this. Obviously stand your ground. But also, are they making attempts to have this dog trained? I know someone having similar problems with a Romanian rescue dog, albeit a small one. It might be altruistic to rescue these animals but it's naive to imagine they will easily adapt. Some of them have survived on prey for several generations and the instinct is bred into them. Breaking that pattern is hard. We are alert now to the dangers of certain breeds but I wonder if our kindness may be adding a whole raft of problems. I've just realised I sound like a Reform supporter! I'm not. I just think it's very important to be realistic about the issues that might arise from our well meaning actions.

Tell your husband you're not ruining your own Christmas, for a dangerous, untrained dog!

Has your DH or his brother managed to explain why it's offensive to put their dog into kennels, but not offensive to put your dog there?

I must say, I question whether they are doing the dog any favours by keeping it permanently on a lead. If it is that untrainable it may be kinder to put it to sleep.

Or decline your offer. I would rather be home with my 3 dogs.

tidic idea to put a rescue dog to sleep. It needs training not euthanising!! Country of dog lovers? really?

@twogreentrees Just trying to help here, but isn't it possible for your BIL to "rent-a-dogsitter"? Where I live there is an organisation named "Pawshake". You can contact them to take care of your pets during your absence, be it visiting a few times a day or moving in for the duration of your absence. Agree I'm not in the UK but maybe still worth a try finding something similar?

I think you sound smart, kind and a good host. What you are asking is reasonable, sound and safe for everyone. Hopefully, BIL will get past the grumps of having boundaries placed. Then, he can explore options as several contributors have suggested here. Feed, walk, toilet dog and have him at their home while they make a shorter visit to see you is one of their options. I hope that you all have a fab time.