That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

He sounds like a child .....does he treat you on your birthday ? When did you have a month's holiday?

Either make him something from the kids or give them £10 each and let them lose in some shop to do their part. Then buy him a bungee jump experience 😆

Take kids to a discount store where there are lots of options of things for not very much money (eg B&M or similar) and tell the kids to each choose a present for daddy and let them loose. Yeah he will get random stuff, but at least it's random stuff the kids chose.

The night away was part of a works do - that cannot be counted as part of his birthday.

The cake was a lovely idea.

The gifts were nice but I wouldn’t say they were thoughtful, and no different to what they’d buy themselves on a normal day.

I would have personally got a couple of thoughtful gifts and then booked something like a hotel or just a meal out.

I bet quite a few wives on here would be disappointed if their husband bought them a couple of fancy work tops and told them that a night in a hotel after the works do was their birthday night away.

You could get him a framed photo of himself, or a sitting at a portrait painter to have himself painted. Or a big mirror. Or all three.

And an electrically heated big sock.

He is completely unreasonable to be disappointed by expensive presents, going out and a home baked cake!!! He sounds like a spoiled brat. My DH is weird over presents and always seems underwhelmed/ doesn't say an adequate thank you, but his whole family seem to not understand the ritual of present giving. I resolved it quite early on by saying "I put a lot of thought into getting your presents, you seem very ungrateful, I'm going to be getting something much smaller (cheaper) from now on, and you will be grateful for it." Or words to that ilk. He is actually a lovely man but he has his quirks.

Sorted it for you… hopefully he’ll get the message.

Or a cheaper option - have him sit for the children to paint his portrait?

I got my DP https://faceboxer.co.uk/1709198471236/checkouts/c2c4a67486e888d373e8b1e7c2f1a365?buyScence=cart&spb=true&spbSeq=0RC58582FN728221T one pair my face, one Dc1, one the cat. I also did a board book photo book from DC titled “DC1 &Daddy” he loves it. Matching T-shirts? PJs? Christmas outfits? But I’d also have a chat and see if you can get a common ground you’re both happy with as it sounds like you hate it all think unnecessary and he isn’t happy with current efforts

A kick up the arse

@Nespressso that is such an unattractive quality in an adult.
If you want something particular and can afford it, buy it. Don't be a sulky twat about it.
No adult needs a present
Your husband sounds ridiculous.

The ultimate gift for a man child - divorce papers! Sorted.

He's like a child! I doubt if anything you come up with will be enough, so buy him whatever on his list seems the least pointless. Get the kids to make him lovely cards and buy his favourite aftershave or drink of whatever.
Then when the two of you are alone and have time, have a serious talk with him about what this is really about, because his longing to be celebrated sounds quite out of control. Does he fear that you don't love him?

"last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc
baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.
afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday."

I think you need to raise your expectations on what a decent husband is, he sounds like a complete prick.

I feel like the phrase 'hard work' was invented to describe your dh.

Has he ever parented the dc on his own? Does he know how difficult and exhausting it is look after young dc on your own for weeks on end. He sounds like he doesn't know he was born.

Get your dc to make him tokens with promises he can redeem such 'a weekend of daddy dc time' and then leave him alone with them for a weekend away on your own or with friends.

💯

What an ungrateful entitled knob your 'd'h is

I'd be getting him some joke presents.
We got DC Personalized Picture Magic Reversible Custom Throw Pillowcase, DIY Design Sequin Pictures Photos,
You brush the sequins and it reveals a picture. We put a really silly picture from DCs fav comedy programme and they and their friends loved it.

On a more serious note OP.
You are a SAHM with no income, and you say DH is a bit of a spendthrift, impressed by expensive presents and guestures. I bet you are also entirely responsible for christmas! Wracking your brains and running around to try to find presents for his parents, siblings and their children and get given marks out of ten for that too.
I think you need to address this. You need to be careful because it sounds like It sounds like the balance of power has really shifted and he thinks he is the Big I AM because he is the wage earner and you have to "make up" for your lack of income by going all out to putting on extra fantastic birthday celebrations to praise him with great praise, and as your "employer" he is entitled to give you marks out of 10 for effort and say "hmm.. I don't think that you put enough effort into praising me there."
He's working away all the time - a month away whilst you look after the kids SOLO????
You need to financially protect yourself. I hope he hasn't said that old line about how Child Benefit is not worth claiming because it affects his taxes.
It carries NI, which is vital for your pension when you are older. Make sure you apply.
Why do you personally have no income? .. you should have an allowance and you should be able to build up some personal savings. Because You are working! You are enabling him to climb up the ladder in his career because you look after everything at home and are bringing up 3 children for him. How else can he work abroad for a month or going out on jollys. try getting some quotes for cleaners, nannies and housekeepers to see how much monetary value he could be placing on your contribution. You are not slave labour!
Seriously consider getting back into the world of work part time, when Childcare dutys allow. You will be glad you didn't leave a very long gap when the DC are teens or push off to uni.

He has the attitude that he brings home the bacon and at the same time puts a high value on expensive gifts. Talk that through with him and make sure he sees the value in your contribution to the family too (your Salary sacrifice if nothing else!) There is a danger that he could start taking your role in this partnership for granted. So give him a wake up call.

The kids one is easy - take them to B and M/poundland or a corner shop and get them to choose Daddy some sweets or anything they want for Daddy in Poundland

And a really badly drawn card and then you're fine

Get the kids to do a card and make a cake for him.

He sounds about the right age mentally to have a gift set of lynx Africa and a new game for his Xbox!

What did he want you to do?

You need to sit down and tell him exactly how you feel!
Tell him you're fed up of the gift expectations and this year he'll be getting one gift from you. He doesn't need to make a list, because you'll not be reading it. Tell him you're happy to do the same at your birthday.

@Nespressso you could print of this thread for him

Urgh. Sounds like my man child brother in law who likes to have a "birthday month" 🤢🤦‍♀️🙄🤮and throws tantrums.