That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

He does sound ungrateful but in terms of a gift from the kids - how about them painting a ceramic tile which you can get glazed for him to use as a coaster?

He sounds a bit pathetic really, but I would go experiences over gifts. Buy what he’s sent as suggestions (hold something back for Christmas), then little treats (beer, chocolates, vintage sweets from childhood). Then organise the kids bringing him coffee and breakfast in bed (or at the table if he’s not a lie in person). Kids can make him cards, wrap all presents (badly), kids help decorate the house. If he wants to go out, organise a night out with friends (you stay home, friends can buy him drinks), or plan a special meal at home for after the kids go to bed. More stuff to do than stuff to have.

Jesus we did dinner and some small gifts for DH’s birthday last year, also near Christmas, and he loved it. I chose a nice restaurant we had some cocktails and the few gifts he got didn’t cost much but were useful to him. He was really grateful, as would any normal person be when their partner has very obviously made an effort.

he sounds like a spoilt brat - was he spoiled growing up

Maybe you should just cut out the middle man and let him buy his own presents! It seems a bit pointless if you're not earning your own money.

Take kids to Pottery Cafe and get them to decorate plate/mug.
Or, look at Not on the High St for personalise kids, or look at the Merci Maman website for nice cufflinks etc 'from them'- https://www.mercimamanboutique.com/en/personalised-jewellery-gifts-for-him?_gl=11ah6lvj_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=Cj0KCQiAgJa6BhCOARIsAMiL7V88mTboh4YcUb7ip4dWyQnXgIK94tCSVEILrU5RAekxSLDK-G1__7AaApmREALw_wcB

But he sounds absolutely awful. My husband and i get each other token gifts, or a slightly nicer version of what we need anyway (eg dressing gown/ski anorak), and then go out for dinner or to watch a show / cinema. That's it. We barely even celebrate to be honest. I couldn't care less if he gets me anything, we have a joint account so his money is my money and if i want somethign i will get it - and i don't like wasting my money.
He sounds childish selfish and profligate. And even if he was disappointed, can't believe he had the nerve to tell you. Good luck. Just hope he gets you absolutely AMAZING stuff.

He's being completely unreasonable. Does he like to show it all off on social media or something? Otherwise I'm at a loss why an adult man with a mortgage, wife and children would be like this. I hate buying things unnecessarily, spending thousands at Christmas in a wasteful way when you need to save for a bigger house is madness. This might actually be a dealbreaker for me, I really feel bad for you.

A grown man who made a massive hoohah about his birthday would really turn me off. Most men are lucky to get a pair of socks and a pack of beer. He sounds like a child.

At that age, more for the 4 year old but with a bit of guidance also the 2 year old, I’d take them to somewhere like Next or wherever DH likes to shop and let them go and pick it themselves. It’ll probably be random and unwanted but gets the kids into the idea of thinking about others when picking gifts, has a personal element and saves you the brain space of thinking of something.

Nah fuck him, if he makes no effort for you, why should you do that for him??

I’m surprised by the majority of these responses.

If I was working hard so my DH didn’t have to work and was able to still have a decent lifestyle, then yes I would want a bit of effort on my birthday.
(I think it should be reciprocated also).

A works do is not effort and I would be annoyed that my DH said this was part of my birthday treat.

I would like an experience eg a meal out or cinema trip and a thoughtful present from my DH and kids.

It seems this relationship is quite transactional and the gifts may be expensive but there is no thought or love behind them.

But there was effort;

Bought £250 worth of gifts
Made a cake
Organised a night away

What more does he need/how much more effort should OP have put in?

You have quite different gifting styles. He is more materialistic than you. Having enough of something doesn’t mean he doesn’t want more.

For example, he may have a couple of Schoffel gilets at home, but he would still appreciate one in this season’s colour.

The homemade gifts from the kids being suggested here will only wind him up and then the kids will sense his disappointment and that’s not fair on them.

I’d buy from the list he gave you - it doesn’t really matter whether you think he ‘needs’ any of it. Birthdays are about what we want not what we need.

So in that sense, he also needs to understand what you want for your birthday. He wants expensive things so you give him that. You want family experiences so he organises a weekend to Disneyland or whatever.

As an aside, looking after the kids while he goes on work trips to provide for the family isn’t giving him a gift or doing him a favour. While he’s away doing his job, you’re at home doing your job.

Was he not loved enough as a child? Last year would have been it for me with him complaining. Don't let your children act like this.

What a big baby. I cannot understand why adults behave like this about birthdays. Doesn't solve your problem, sorry. He should be happy with a family day out and a birthday cake.

He works away at times, you have the kids 2 and 4 an awful lot, I felt a tightening-below when you said 'golf'.

From the two year old I would get a bib with 'My Big Brother' on it, and from the four year old a training beaker with 'Mummy's Little Boy', the penny might just drop.

Urgh. He's given me the ick.

I don't really get what a work trip and a work function have to do with his birthday? That's not a celebration.
He's telling you her likes nice presents for his birthday and you can afford them I don't see why it's an issue.
I prefer experiences so DH tends to plan something, theatre tickets, restaurant I want to try out, weekend away (not for work)

He sounds oddly childish about this. Children love birthdays because their wants are usually achieveable. He is never going to be satisfied because - as an adult - his heart's desires are not available to a birthday shopper.

Go with the child part of him:

-Get the kids to choose something that he can play with them.
Authentic choices are always memorable!

-You buy sponsorship of a creature you can all visit local wildlife park/zoo/rescue centre. You can all visit Dad's inner animal and enjoy watching the simple things that make that version of him happy.

I think this sounds really stressful and I am sorry that that is the birthday expectation. As a thought for the children to give as a gift, have you got a paint your own pottery place nearby? That way they could each personalise a cup or plate or decoration and that’s a gift that he might like from them? Alternatively, get a blank canvas, get them to create a picture on it and then gift that?

Eww that's such an unattractive quality in a person and very childlike. I'd tell him to grow the eff up. Was he spoilt as a child?

I think you both need to talk about it, but yes. He does deserve more of a fuss. And so do you.

if you want to give him a night away and Christmas burns through babysitting - make a reservation for January and have grandparents lined up. Same for a dinner out if that’s better. And do a family day out somewhere not Christmassy for him in December. And a homemade cake.

For his gifts, last year they were one and 3. Let him know you were too frazzled last year but you’re really putting a lot of work in and researching good ideas. Have the kids make or buy something. From you, get something luxury like a cologne or scarf or jewellery with your 150, not a bunch of sale shirts. He’s showed you with your birthday that’s what he thinks is special.

2 months before YOUR birthday, talk to him about what you would enjoy. I’d want 150 and 3 hours child free to get new clothes, but he gets child free time and work clothes. I’d also want a book or a cheap surprise. Or something for the house (air purifier is what I want for Christmas) And it sounds like you’re the same.

2 days removed from birthdays or birthday talk about the work events and stuff. It isn’t working. He has no clue how much more support you need. Maybe a babysitter a few nights a week. Maybe a cleaner. Maybe a routine when he’s home that gives you a chance to breathe.

It sounds like he’s in a job that’s probably high paid and he sees the finances differently than you do. You need to be on the same page for that too. I was stressing out and not buying myself shoes for ages. My partner pointed out it’s 2 of his work lunches.

Going against the tide and he shouldn't have been mean, but some people like to celebrate their birthday. If he's someone you love, then surely you go over the top to make him happy. If he's in a well paying job, he probably sees no issue in spending £500. It may be the opposite of you, but you do these things for people you love.

Gifts were shirts, golf bits and beer glasses - quite boring ie not much effort.
Made a cake - the amount of effort depends on the cake - Victoria sandwich whipped up in a few minutes is very little effort, 4 layer cake beautifully iced and decorated is loads of effort.
The night away was so they could go to his works do, hardly something special for his birthday.
Although he expressed it wrongly and unkindly, it's possible to see why he was disappointed if he really wanted OP to make an effort.

Ask your 4 year old what to get him and then buy it - especially as it’s his money (I don’t mean that to sound negative in any way, honestly, and I know SAHM are equal in relationships/ families /households in terms of keeping things together etc, just that if he’s moaning about not getting anything from them, give them free range while he is essentially the only one paying for it while you’re SAHM).

I think @PhoenixFireBum24 summed it up- t shirt with best STXH on it-

OP he's a grade A twat and doesn't deserve you