AIBU for not wanting to pay rent?

[freebirdblue]

I currently live with my older sister and her family and contribute £100 weekly toward rent and bills. I pay for takeaways, contribute toward their date nights, and ubers (apparently they can’t work the app). I relocated and she offered me her spare bedroom for a year so I can save and have more money to put towards a nice one bedroom apartment. On top of that, I also take care of my nephews and walk the dogs daily.

However, my BIL’s parents asked me to house and dog sit while they’re away travelling for two months. I’m a 10 minute drive away but already my expenses have gone up as I’m now doing a food shop (yes, I was spoilt that they included me in their evening dinners) and I have to bring the dogs to the vet (out of my own pocket to later be reimbursed when they return, which is another awkward issue).

However, my sister still wants me to still contribute while I’m not there, she insisted not the full £100 but wasn’t overly pleased when I suggested £50 either. The thing is, I don’t think it’s fair I have to contribute because if I wasn’t in the spare bedroom, no one else would be, and one of her friends is coming and going to stay while I’m away (recently single). I’m not calling to their house for dinner either, but I am still helping out with my nephews and working from home (which I hate doing as I only have my laptop and no other monitors) on certain days for them.

My mum is trying to reason I’d still pay a landlord if I was on holiday, but I’m house sitting for my BIL’s family as a favor (for free) and it’s not exactly a holiday either! However, my friends are arguing it is unreasonable and strange of my sister to expect me to pay. Is it? I’m so conflicted and don’t want to seem ungrateful but I also have to admit I am annoyed.

I made the mistake of telling her my salary and now she holds that against me and tells almost everyone we know I earn more than her and her partner combined. For starters, she works part time and he is an apprentice, they have a mortgage and kids, whereas I’m single and free of responsibility’s in my twenties. My salary isn’t overly great for my position and includes 10% of my pension so it seems like I’m earning more than I am.

AIBU? I feel £50 is more than fair but also feel like I shouldn’t have to contribute either while I’m not there.

Your BIL recommended you to go to his parents house and still wants you to pay rent at his house, even though DS has agreed to someone staying in your room whilst you're gone. I don't think so. Sounds very unreasonable to me.

I'd move out as soon as, before it ends up in a huge fallout.

I don’t think it is beyond kind if her sister at all - the OP pays her sister £100 a week, walks their dog, looks after their children, contributes towards her sister’s date nights and pays their Ubers, buys takeaways for them, etc.

OP I’d move out, they are using you/

I think you're conflating your sister with your in laws. You feel like you are offering payment in kind to "them" but it's a different "them".

Maybe ask the ILs for some money in return for the dog walking etc and top up your rent money that way. It's not necessary to do them such a colossal favour for free, they would still be getting an amazing deal. The root of it is that you are giving this huge thing for free, but your sister feels it requires her to give as well (by losing the rent money) when you're perhaps viewing her as a recipient of your favour because they are her ILs.

Why should she ? Her sister is using her - the OP is still going to her sister’s a few days a week to mind her nieces/nephews ? Maybe she should charge her sister a childminding fee?>

I think the correct term for paying to be someone’s skivvy is “indentured labour”.

Actually it isn’t…even that type of labour is only paying off a debt.

Quite. I feel sorry for OP with family like this.

I would be moving out of your sisters house ASAP. I've not much more to say here apart from the longer you stay the more will be expected from you.

If you aren't happy, op, then leave and get your own place. Obvious, takes away any reliance on family, gives you control of your own life and bills, and avoids any family rifts.

I think this is exactly it. OP feels like she’s doing her sister and BIL a favour by extension, when actually any arrangement with in-laws is separate from what OP has agreed in terms of rent/keep.

It sounds to me like too much is done on terms of favours and helping out. £400 a month would be a dream for renters where I live - that price plus a bit of babysitting would not be a hardship. But if it isn’t clear that this is part of the agreement, OP needs to push for that clarity. At the moment she seems to resent it, when it seems to me like a pretty good deal. The takeaways are a red herring too. The rent plus any babysitting services needs to be a commercial arrangement - not a case of wanting the room as and when but then declaring “But you’re my siiiiiisterrr and I bought you a Chinese!!” if she tries to formalise anything.

It sounds a bit like you are seen as rootless and available. And you find it hard to stick up for your boundaries. But this is all because you don't have your own place. I don't know what your salary is, but it sounds like you could actually get a place and pay for it yourself. Then everyone will treat you differently, with way more respect, and not assume you can dog-sit for 2 months... for free... while paying rent elsewhere...

They have no intention of taking in a lodger. A friend is coming to stay - wonder if she’ll be paying rent too???

Glad my family don’t see helping each other out as a commercial arrangement. But I’m sure you all love each other in your own way.

OP said the friend is coming to stay “on and off”. I wouldn’t expect someone to be paying rent in those circumstances.

It would, of course be perfectly acceptable for OP to say “Hang on - if you want me to pay for the room while I’m not staying in it, I don’t want anyone else staying in it either”. But she won’t say that - just as she hasn’t said she doesn’t really want to house sit for her BIL’s parents, or wants to move out even though they’re encouraging her to stay, or doesn’t want to work from home in order to provide childcare. She seems to have been struck dumb.

So much of this could be resolved by OP just speaking up. Why won’t she do it?

Oh FFS. How many more threads are you going to pollute with this obtuse, sneery, patronising attitude?

If it’s all just a case of family helping each other out, why did OP even agree to the deal her sister offered in the first place? Surely she should have said, “But you’re my sister - why don’t I get to stay for free?” OP agreed to (very favourable) commercial terms - she had other options if she didn’t like them.

It sounds like they have come to rely on the money you are contributing to the household in fairness, which is why she is asking you to keep paying while you are housesitting, and why they are discouraging you from leaving yet.

That isn't your problem as such, but if they are also feeding you, you really have been living there for next to nothing, and while it is obviously helping them financially, it is also doing you a massive favour in terms of saving up, so if I was earning more than their combined salaries I'd just keep paying it personally then arrange to move out after January next year.

Any dog sitting or arrangement to do a favour shouldn't effect you. You should be paid for that work if they also expect to be paid rent. Either it's a free house sitting per care gig as a favour and bil who's idea it was understands you would do it on those conditions or they pay you as you would ABT other maid service to walk clean up and care for the dogs.

The same for the holiday in January. You said no point moving and paying twice. Ha! You don't pay to sit somebodies dogs. You could have your own house and go there rent free and do it as a favour. Price up what a live in dog sitter charges. You will be shocked. Not to mention all the childcare and pick ups etc. just buy your own place and if they require your services, don't get mugged off. Because right now you're paying them to be their aupair lol

You really should’ve said no to the house sitting. Your BIL has almost set you up. Gets you out the house by recommending you to his parents to house sit, saves his parents money and gets to continue receiving £100 PW from you while they entertain their friend who will be in your room for a bit.

Is there any way you can back out now?

I wonder if they all feel you have tonnes of disposables income due to being child free and knowing your salary.

If so, you might struggle to get reimbursed for the vets too which will become another issue.

They all don’t seem to have much respect for you and you need to have better boundaries and learn to use the word no.

If it was me I wouldn't expect any thing from someone who isn't there

You can't leave a dog for 2 months and only check in on it.

But what if they were expecting to store their belongings and to move back in at the end of this period?

Yep. Not sure if PPs are missing this or have just decided to put the boot in to OP?

The host family has offloaded her to their parents for a few months, while still using her for free babysitting AND demanding money for room and board at theirs, which she isn't using because she's at the parents' house.

It's a pity you need to move out before you'd finished saving up, @freebirdblue, but it's not your fault your sister, BIL and his parents have decided to use you as servant & cash cow rolled into one 🙁 Best to knock it on the head while you're all still speaking.

Everyone makes fair points here- because of your agreement they took it they’d have that money for the full year but I’d add that it’s because of what you earn that this is even a thing. They saw you earn more than them combined and are just thinking ‘she’s fine she can afford it’.

I think they’re using you. £100 per week for family is too much. Plus all the other things you do on top. House sitting and dog care is something that dog owners pay for. Not get free and expect sitter to cover costs. No way. Get out of your sisters house asap.

The host family has offloaded her to their parents for a few months, while still using her for free babysitting AND demanding money for room and board at theirs, which she isn't using because she's at the parents' house.

This is still divesting OP of any responsibility. Why didn’t she say no to BIL’s parents?

What stands out to me is the vet bills.
If you kept my little dog, you’d have to pay over $125US every 6 weeks due to her medical needs.
Very unreasonable to ask anyone to pay that while I’m away — I’d never do it because that’s just taking advantage of someone’s kindness.
Instead, I’d make arrangements with the highway robbers who call themselves my vets.