AIBU for not wanting to pay rent?

[freebirdblue]

I currently live with my older sister and her family and contribute £100 weekly toward rent and bills. I pay for takeaways, contribute toward their date nights, and ubers (apparently they can’t work the app). I relocated and she offered me her spare bedroom for a year so I can save and have more money to put towards a nice one bedroom apartment. On top of that, I also take care of my nephews and walk the dogs daily.

However, my BIL’s parents asked me to house and dog sit while they’re away travelling for two months. I’m a 10 minute drive away but already my expenses have gone up as I’m now doing a food shop (yes, I was spoilt that they included me in their evening dinners) and I have to bring the dogs to the vet (out of my own pocket to later be reimbursed when they return, which is another awkward issue).

However, my sister still wants me to still contribute while I’m not there, she insisted not the full £100 but wasn’t overly pleased when I suggested £50 either. The thing is, I don’t think it’s fair I have to contribute because if I wasn’t in the spare bedroom, no one else would be, and one of her friends is coming and going to stay while I’m away (recently single). I’m not calling to their house for dinner either, but I am still helping out with my nephews and working from home (which I hate doing as I only have my laptop and no other monitors) on certain days for them.

My mum is trying to reason I’d still pay a landlord if I was on holiday, but I’m house sitting for my BIL’s family as a favor (for free) and it’s not exactly a holiday either! However, my friends are arguing it is unreasonable and strange of my sister to expect me to pay. Is it? I’m so conflicted and don’t want to seem ungrateful but I also have to admit I am annoyed.

I made the mistake of telling her my salary and now she holds that against me and tells almost everyone we know I earn more than her and her partner combined. For starters, she works part time and he is an apprentice, they have a mortgage and kids, whereas I’m single and free of responsibility’s in my twenties. My salary isn’t overly great for my position and includes 10% of my pension so it seems like I’m earning more than I am.

AIBU? I feel £50 is more than fair but also feel like I shouldn’t have to contribute either while I’m not there.

You’re far too intertwined with them all - I would certainly look to rent something else. Your costs have gone up anyway and no way would I pay the vets bills. The more you do the more it’s taken for granted - your initial £100 a week would barely cover costs but with all the extras your sister has come to rely on your income.

It’s not the same thing because of the nature of the arrangement . I’ve been a lodger and of course I continued paying while on holiday however this is her close family who have a seemingly informal arrangement with her (hence she is also doing ad hoc childcare and paying for Ubers etc) and who wouldn’t otherwise be renting the room out.

They can’t suddenly go all formal when it suits them . If this was a private lodgers agreement no way would she have been doing all the extras like childcare and paying for their Ubers AND be paying above the going rate for a local flatshare.

Furthermore she is leaving their home to go and do the BILs parent a favour which will save them £££ - an arrangement which he set up.

Sure, she should’ve said no but there’s a power dynamic here. It sounds as if she’s new to the area/country, new to her job, new to the world of work and she’s 26 - her sister and BIL are over a decade older than her and it’s their house. Can be tricky to say no.

I think you need to move out - get your own place, be a grown-up.

As an aside. You are being taken for a ride re dog sitting.

tricky because she was anticipating the money. I'd give her £100 and go for my evening meal. You should have told BIL to pay his own vets bill by BACS and they should be paying you out of pocket expenses (petrol,)
You need to learn to manage situations better and discuss ''What ifs' before they arise.

Surely they can phone the vet and pay over the phone directly?

Everytime I view somewhere they reassure me there’s no pressure to leave!

That doesn’t mean you have to stay though! Just find somewhere and leave, this isn’t working out.

They're taking the Mickey. Go for the one bed flat and set it up for as soon as the dog sitting ends in January.

Of course they don't want you to leave OP - you're their golden goose. Unfortunately in the entire families greediness to exploit you, they have turned the temperature up on their boiling frog rather too quickly, and suddenly you're aware that this just isn't fair.

Question is what are you going to do about it. Sounds like stating your boundaries is tough for you, so start small with the dog sitting. I would be saying you won't do it unless they at least cover your rent, but if you can't do that then at least tell them you need the money ip front for the vets payment before you take the dog in.

Sounds like you’re paying more than your fair share for just a room and your sister is probably actually making a profit from you living there, in terms of you pay them more than the extra it’s costing for heating, electricity, even loo roll! You’re also providing some childcare and contributing towards their date nights. It’s no wonder they’re not keen for you to leave - if you do they’ll have less income and less help with everything! Yanbu to not want to pay when you’re not there. Just get out as soon as you can and don’t let them persuade you to stay!

This. They will want to scrape every penny from you if you let them.

Or earlier. Do not dog sit for free. If the BIL have money for a holiday they have money for kennels. Not your problem.

Oh and I'm a bit shocked by your DM to be honest. Fine she doesn't want to take sides, but she is actively choosing to side with greedy BILs family. Was Dsis the golden child by any chance?

Go for the 500pm option. You need your own space.

Don't do it. Just say you can't and then give them some numbers of local dog sitters. Alternatively, ask that they pay you a weekly fee of 100, which will be far cheaper than paying someone for the 2 months they are away.
If you haven't said yes then don't do it.

My parents actually “warned” me prior to emigrating and moving in with them about this because we had an argument while I was a student. She expected me to miss lectures to babysit her kids and miss out on public holidays (double pay) so she could work instead. I was only 19, naive (still clearly naive) and didn’t know how to say no (and still don’t). I became very mentally unwell because I was working until 5am and up at 6am with my nephew. I wasn’t paying any rent at the time to them as I was providing weekend childcare in return but even when I moved out she still expected me to drop everything to take care of my nephew, and as a first time aunty it was too hard to say no. Covid probably saved our relationship then being honest and her later emigrating as well. She definitely wasn’t the golden child and doesn’t have a relationship with our parents, they would argue she only looks after herself. However, as a child I found her after an attempt and have carried the weight of that since, and she would call me crying saying she was alone and suffering from post natal depression which is why I emigrated initially but I ended up getting a great work opportunity too. I do walk on egg shells around her given the past details and thread lightly though I feel myself feeling somewhat similar to before. Yes, I should’ve learned my lesson but a lot can and should change within 5 years.

Get yourself out as soon as possible. Don't wait until after their holidays. Just tell them you'll dog sit by won't be paying them for the privilege.
You also need to stop over sharing generally. They don't need to know about your salary, about the apartments or rooms you're looking at. Keep it to yourself until you've made your decision and committed.
They've taken advantage of you, maybe not intentionally, but that's how it's ended up. You need to make the changes as soon as you can, and then nurture a healthier and more mutually respectful relationship with them for the future.

If you want to break this dynamics you need to rent your own place and stop doing/recieving favours.

Further to my last post - or charge them the going rate for dog sitting and pay rent out of that. Everyone is taking the piss out of you if I'm honest. I'd never do this to my sister

I wondered this. Renting a room in her sisters’ house for £400 a month plus all the extras she pays/babysitting nephews and dog walking seems expensive. A quick google on a lodging website showed that in our area (NW) it’s an average of around £300-£350 a month inclusive of utilities for a room in a private household - live in landlord. OP might find it cheaper and less stressful to consider this while she saves a bit more. I get the feeling she’s being taken advantage of, I think it’s cheeky to ask what her salary is and even cheekier to insist she still pay rent while she’s house sitting, considering BiL virtually volunteered her for it.

Of course you should be paying rent, if anything it should be more.

This next few months could be a major game-changer for you. Being proactive about your best interests and developing assertiveness will also transfer across to your professional life.
It is time to step away from your subordinate little sister role and stand up for yourself as an educated accomplished woman. You are more than a useful adjunct to your sister and BIL's life. Reinventing yourself will be lonely at first but bit by bit you can thrive. Good luck for a great 2025!

Bil parents should be paying you to house/dog sit. And this should cover your rent. So £100 a week.
It will be loads cheaper than kennels for them.

Another thing about families and favours - when you withdraw them don’t expect any gratitude for what you’ve done already.
I hope this has been a lesson for the future and you enjoy having your own place all the more; build a social life away from your family as it will be far more satisfying!

On this part you either want to house sit and dog sit for BiL's family or you don't.
If you don't - tell them.
There is no reason in the world why they couldn't have found kennels in time for their holiday or that BiL & your sister move into the house (as it's his family) and look after the dog.

Are you expected to pay for utilities in the house while you're staying there?

There was a post on here recently where an Ex Husband dropped his dog to his Ex Wife's house (she also had kids and cats too look after) and there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and eventually he had to sort something out himself for his dog and the OP in that case didn't have to look after the dog. There have been other posts where family members, without consultation, have been lined up to look after houses/pets/whatever without a second thought as to their own plans.

I'd try so hard to find somewhere else to live that isn't with sister and BiL. I'd also cut back on the takeaways and if they want a date night, they can bloody well pay for their own date night. I don't agree at all with subsidising their dating life!!!

Of course you should be paying rent, if anything it should be more.

is that the CF sister? 😆
Seriously though the going rate for a flatshare in the area is £300pcm and is OP is paying £400 pcm so how on earth should she be paying more?

Not to mention the fact she is already “paying more” in terms of paying for Ubers and providing free childcare which comes at a cost to her time and energy.

From your update OP, it seems there’s a backstory here and you didn’t have a normal relationship with her for most of your life. It was understandable you tried to give your sister another chance to basically not exploit you but it’s clearly not worked out.

You’ve had a lot of advice here and presumably from your friends. What are you planning to do moving forward?