AIBU for not wanting to pay rent?

[freebirdblue]

I currently live with my older sister and her family and contribute £100 weekly toward rent and bills. I pay for takeaways, contribute toward their date nights, and ubers (apparently they can’t work the app). I relocated and she offered me her spare bedroom for a year so I can save and have more money to put towards a nice one bedroom apartment. On top of that, I also take care of my nephews and walk the dogs daily.

However, my BIL’s parents asked me to house and dog sit while they’re away travelling for two months. I’m a 10 minute drive away but already my expenses have gone up as I’m now doing a food shop (yes, I was spoilt that they included me in their evening dinners) and I have to bring the dogs to the vet (out of my own pocket to later be reimbursed when they return, which is another awkward issue).

However, my sister still wants me to still contribute while I’m not there, she insisted not the full £100 but wasn’t overly pleased when I suggested £50 either. The thing is, I don’t think it’s fair I have to contribute because if I wasn’t in the spare bedroom, no one else would be, and one of her friends is coming and going to stay while I’m away (recently single). I’m not calling to their house for dinner either, but I am still helping out with my nephews and working from home (which I hate doing as I only have my laptop and no other monitors) on certain days for them.

My mum is trying to reason I’d still pay a landlord if I was on holiday, but I’m house sitting for my BIL’s family as a favor (for free) and it’s not exactly a holiday either! However, my friends are arguing it is unreasonable and strange of my sister to expect me to pay. Is it? I’m so conflicted and don’t want to seem ungrateful but I also have to admit I am annoyed.

I made the mistake of telling her my salary and now she holds that against me and tells almost everyone we know I earn more than her and her partner combined. For starters, she works part time and he is an apprentice, they have a mortgage and kids, whereas I’m single and free of responsibility’s in my twenties. My salary isn’t overly great for my position and includes 10% of my pension so it seems like I’m earning more than I am.

AIBU? I feel £50 is more than fair but also feel like I shouldn’t have to contribute either while I’m not there.

There is no opportunity cost to the sister of OP not paying rent for two months because DSis wouldn’t be doing anything to generate income from the room anyway. They have a friend coming to stay on and off which is a clear indication that they are not looking to commercialise the spare room.

Therefore they are not losing out on an opportunity.

If there was an opportunity cost to OP not paying rent, I would have said to pay it.

OP can’t be expected to pay £800-900 because in some alternate reality they would have rented the room to another tenant.

I’m not sure you fully grasp what an opportunity cost is, but you’re pretty close.

You need to reply: you will have to tell Bil I needs to drop housesitting, I can’t afford it and all this extra. I have messaged his parents to say they will have to pay remotely at the vet before the treatment, I can’t pay it for them.

Move out asap asap asap asap

There is no opportunity cost to the sister of OP not paying rent for two months because DSis wouldn’t be doing anything to generate income from the room anyway. They have a friend coming to stay on and off which is a clear indication that they are not looking to commercialise the spare room.
Therefore they are not losing out on an opportunity.

But which came first - the chicken or the egg? Or in this case, the OP temporarily moving out, or the friend needing occasional accommodation? It doesn’t matter if OP’s sister intends to capitalise on having a spare room - the OP’s request to have it held for two months impacts the option to do this. How do you know she didn’t want to get a new lodger instead, but because OP plans on coming back, she’s decided to let her friend use the room occasionally instead?

OP can’t be expected to pay £800-900 because in some alternate reality they would have rented the room to another tenant.

Well actually, yes she could. All this “alternate reality” business is nonsense. If this was Mrs Wallace at No. 24 letting her room to the OP instead of OP’s sister, and OP wanted to disappear for two months, but still have the room available once she returned (and to leave all her stuff behind), everyone would be saying that of course she should pay.

However, the big difference here is that OP’s sister wants use of the spare room as a guest room in the meantime. Because of this, as I’ve now stated many times, OP should pay an agreed retainer, not full rent.

I’m not sure you fully grasp what an opportunity cost is, but you’re pretty close.

I think it’s you who hasn’t quite understood, given your quite simplistic approach, but thanks.

Nope-it £5200 as she pays £100/week

I think that yes you should plan to move out.
re: the £100 I would say to DSis and BIL, if I have to pay that to you, I am going to have to move back in completely. Please can you let BILs parents know I will be leaving their home when I start paying you, as I can’t afford both. They will have to find someone else. And they need to pay me the vet’s fees back ASAP.

They would never rent out the spare room because it is their “family” home, they have had BILS brother (and three dogs) stay for three weeks (rent free) and my sisters friend and her twins for two weeks (rent free). So they do like to help out where they can in terms of friends and family.

The difference here is I am living with them, and I do think £100 is a reasonable contribution toward bills and meals, alongside the perks I offer. However, they’re taking the biscuit by increasing the contribition to £150 p/w and expecting me contribute to bills/expenses while I’m not in the house benefitting from them but instead housesitting elsewhere. Yet they still expecting me to alter work schedule twice during this period to assist them with childcare because they can’t afford to pay the creche or afterschool but can’t afford to take it off either - or apparently start later or leave earlier, yet I can.

If they relied on the money, they shouldn’t have volun-told (my new term) me to housesit for a two month period. I also agree I could’ve grown a pair of balls and said no but I am afraid of my sister to a certain capacity because she would kick me out just as quick as she let me in, and I thread lightly around her emotions due to her mental health history.

So what am I doing about? I am listening to everyone’s advice and did speak with my parents on the matter, and they agree I need to move out but don’t want me to rush into anything either (incase I end up with worse) and reassured me I can always move home but I want to try living here independent of her first. My parents did say to still visit once a month but if I could relocate a relatively long commute from her, then do, and to start charging her for babysitting. I have organised three viewings across tomorrow and Friday that have a move in date of when I finish house sitting so I’m taking that as my sign, all fingers and toes are crossed. In terms of rent, it is of course more expensive compared to what I’m paying now but I spent the evening working out the financials and I won’t end up much worse - if any worse. I am also going to reach out to EAP and see if I can avail of the free counselling my work provides while housesitting so that when I do move in somewhere, I can have a better mindset and hopefully salvage a relationship with my sister, though I do think this has now left a “distaste” and I hope it was worth the £50
for her.

Appreciate you all! Now cross your fingers and hope I get a room.

Best of luck with it . Hope you get something.

Well done. Crossing and hoping!

150 or 100 seems fine rent wise but only while you’re living there.

I guess the takeaways are a swap for her cooking.

personally I’d get out asap, You need to live 20 or 30 minutes away and aim to see her family weekly. Maybe you could babysit while they have a weekly date night.

Good decision, I hope goes well for you - please keep your flat hunting to yourself. Don't them catch you at wobbly moment and talk you out of it.

Please update us later

That sounds like a great approach @freebirdblue good luck with the viewings

And agree with @Kitkatcatflap - keep it to yourself

Once you have the room secured, you might want to collect practically everything from your sister’s and bring it to the housesit (on the guise of making space for her friend to stay)

Then if she is difficult when you tell her, it doesn’t matter if you don’t go back there for a toothbrush and a spare t shirt.

Good luck @freebirdblue

OK. Given I have a degree and a masters in economics, I am fairly familiar with the concept but OK.

The agreement was for OP to cover expenses not rent a room. She’s not there so no expenses to cover. But again, OK.

We’ll agree to disagree about whether financial exploitation of family is OK.

Glad to hear you have plans in place @freebirdblue and that your parents are supportive. It’s telling that they advised you to move some distance away - they obviously see the all the dynamics between you.

And definitely grow those balls! So pleased you are getting out of there.

Agree. And as l understood it, it was her sister who insisted that OP take the room in the first place. Not hard to see why.

Yeah, I think the sister has got verrrry comfortable with OP making her life easier.

Well done OP, such a brave update and I'm so glad your DPs are on board.

Once your Dsis knows you're moving out I would be prepared for the emotional blackmail to ramp up very quickly. It's good in a way that you have the dog sitting elsewhere ( make sure to get that vet treatment paid in advance) so you can gradually detach.

Unfortunately for your nephews, I think the only healthy thing for you is to have as little relationship as possible with your Dsis. If that's not possible for you, I'd work on taking your open wallet out of the equation, so no more buying them tasting dinners etc.

The sister now has to find & pay for a baby sitter & dig walker.
So the rent hoik has significantly back fired.
I expect she is going to put this problem back on you. So make sure you tell her your office hours are not flexible & you wont be traveling across town at your own expense to walk her dog.

Fingers crossed for you! You sound lovely.

@freebirdblue - well done. Fingers crossed it all works out for you and I agree with others: keep the move as quiet as you can until it's practically done. I would expect noise about still paying your sister rent for a while because they need notice or some such nonsense. Stay firm, you are not a renter and do not have a contract - you can go anytime you like, without notice.

Yes -you can tell her your work has said that it won’t be possible to change hours going forward (from December or whatever works for you)

I am gobsmacked that they ever expected this from you - it’s so manifestly unreasonable.

And in all honesty, @freebirdblue it is a bit of a risk to be changing your working hours around someone else’s convenience, especially as you haven’t been there long. Not sure what your work set up is, but I would raise a bit of an eyebrow if a junior of mine was regularly switching hours to cover childcare for her nephews (obviously fine in an emergency etc)

Great update! This will be so much better & healthier for you, I just can't imagine treating my sister this way cos it's bloody awful.

Be prepared for the emotional manipulation & gaslighting that's absolutely inevitable when you break the news.

Good luck!!