Ok to clarify, we have never formally sat down and chatted about our living arrangement and what’s expected of each other. After I started working in my hospitality job (low paying and less hours in comparison to my earnings now) they asked if I could contribute £100 per week towards living expenses.
When I first arrived, I paid for family outings to the Zoo and various other child friendly activities that costed £££ and treated them frequently to meals, coffees, and cakes as a way of showing my gratitude. I also didn’t work or travel for the first 6 initial weeks of arriving so I could support her with school drops offs, pick ups, and childcare on the days she worked. I saved her more in childcare that would she would’ve earned in “rent” during this period.
However, when I landed my new job, I made the mistake of telling her my salary as stated. I now work Monday to Friday during school hours and can’t assist as frequently, but can work from home on occasion to assist with overnight sleepovers and school drop offs (which I have). BILS parents now assist more than I do as they’re retired but frequently travel. When my sister is on a sleep shift, BIL usually goes for two to three hour long runs and I stay in the house with my nephews and the dog. They don’t expect me to walk the dog but if I don’t, the dog typically isn’t walked and I feel bad for him especially as he is a Collie breed. It is also an escape to get out of a busy and loud house sometimes.
They say I can say “no” to babysitting, but it would cause tension (and has) if I did. My sisters partner is more mindful than she is, and a lot more grateful and appreciative of the “perks” I offer. When I treated them to a £300 tasting meal last month, he repeatedly thanked me while my sister was more cold. The meal was half an engagement present and half a thank you for “hosting” me. We also went out at the weekend to see a band with her friends and I paid £50 for her ticket without thanks. I have spare income, I enjoy it, but I also make sure they enjoy it while I’m under their roof as I know they don’t have the means to at the moment. We, my family included, think it was irresponsible of them to buy a house and go from a top paid chef to an apprentice. They are taking out a loan to buy a second vehicle (but are skimping by) and to visit our home next year. They are failing to live without their means, and I can’t continue to assist.
Yes, they include me in their evening meals because they said it doesn’t make sense for us to be cooking two different meals. I buy groceries for my own lunch and share these with them i.e. fresh fruit and cheese if they need to, and only prepare sandwiches so no electricity is involved there. I will pickup additional groceries that they need when asked and always ask if they need something when I go to the shops. I leave by 7.30am latest and am home by 6.00pm latest, usually with drinks or dessert for dinner. I have quick body showers in the morning and wash my hair at the gym 9/10 times. I don’t take excessively long showers or baths. I am hyper aware of bills and try to contribute as little to them as I can.
If I knew I would’ve had to continue contributing to their household while house sitting BILs for free, I would have declined, because my expenses have more or less doubled as a result. It isn’t exactly cheaper for me to move out once bills are factored in on top of groceries, but when I take into account the additional “perks” I provide, it is cheaper to live independently of them. As we had no formal agreement or prior discussion until Saturday (I moved in Thursday) and we agreed £50. However, today she asked for £100 to contribute toward their Wifi, bills, and water, things I am not contributing to at the moment and said I am more than welcome to stop by for dinner any night I want to. I didn’t even realize I was expected to continue paying money while doing a favour for BILS parents - that they offered me for!
The reason I offer to babysit and pay for date nights is to show gratitude as I realize I am fortunate in many ways, the rental crisis is bad, and finding a room can be hard. However, it isn’t impossible and I have spent this evening applying for some viewings so fingers crossed. My sister has thrown cooking dinners for me in the past in my face when I have declined to help with babysitting so I feel I am walking on eggshells around her and try to overcompensate so that if it ever did come for it, I’d have more to throw back at her - a very, very toxic and mentally draining mindset.
I have gone to therapy but never addressed my sisters attempt, but my work offers the EAP program so I might use this facility while I am alone house sitting to “hash” it out with someone - providing they have availability! I feel responsible for her as a result, or at least her mental health, and making sure she is ok but as our dad reiterated to me tonight, she is always going to put herself first and I need to learn to do the same otherwise she will continue to walk over me. All advice on how to would be appreciated!
They have recently been hit with unexpected bills i.e. mortgage fees and annual weeks, which is a part of being a homeowner and they didn’t realise this. I am happy to contribute but wonder what they would do without me because they wouldn’t rent out their spare room. However, they’re not skimping by, they’re still eating out here and there, having takeaway coffees etc., things which I couldn’t ever have afforded while genuinely broke - and are buying a second vehicle slash holidaying home which is £££££+.
I understand it probably “hurts” them when I am buying things and parcels are coming for me, but I’m also 24 and free of responsibility and in my first well paid job after graduating Uni.
The whole house sitting situation for BILs family is another story, I feel slightly blindsided by it all. My sister stated when they lived here and they travelled before, BILs mum told her to keep the receipts and she would reimburse her and she never did.
Anyways, I’ve already wrote a lot here, I do appreciate everyone’s advice and reasoning. I can see it from both sides as an outsider, but we never had a formal agreement nor is she a landlord either. They should’ve addressed the continuance of rent prior to me house sitting in my opinion so I could have at least said no.