AIBU for not wanting to pay rent?

[freebirdblue]

I currently live with my older sister and her family and contribute £100 weekly toward rent and bills. I pay for takeaways, contribute toward their date nights, and ubers (apparently they can’t work the app). I relocated and she offered me her spare bedroom for a year so I can save and have more money to put towards a nice one bedroom apartment. On top of that, I also take care of my nephews and walk the dogs daily.

However, my BIL’s parents asked me to house and dog sit while they’re away travelling for two months. I’m a 10 minute drive away but already my expenses have gone up as I’m now doing a food shop (yes, I was spoilt that they included me in their evening dinners) and I have to bring the dogs to the vet (out of my own pocket to later be reimbursed when they return, which is another awkward issue).

However, my sister still wants me to still contribute while I’m not there, she insisted not the full £100 but wasn’t overly pleased when I suggested £50 either. The thing is, I don’t think it’s fair I have to contribute because if I wasn’t in the spare bedroom, no one else would be, and one of her friends is coming and going to stay while I’m away (recently single). I’m not calling to their house for dinner either, but I am still helping out with my nephews and working from home (which I hate doing as I only have my laptop and no other monitors) on certain days for them.

My mum is trying to reason I’d still pay a landlord if I was on holiday, but I’m house sitting for my BIL’s family as a favor (for free) and it’s not exactly a holiday either! However, my friends are arguing it is unreasonable and strange of my sister to expect me to pay. Is it? I’m so conflicted and don’t want to seem ungrateful but I also have to admit I am annoyed.

I made the mistake of telling her my salary and now she holds that against me and tells almost everyone we know I earn more than her and her partner combined. For starters, she works part time and he is an apprentice, they have a mortgage and kids, whereas I’m single and free of responsibility’s in my twenties. My salary isn’t overly great for my position and includes 10% of my pension so it seems like I’m earning more than I am.

AIBU? I feel £50 is more than fair but also feel like I shouldn’t have to contribute either while I’m not there.

Where is it massively discounted ? OP pays £400 a month and contributes at least another £100 a week’s worth of favours which cost her. A room in a private house with live in landlord where we live is around £300-£350 a month including utilities. OP is paying far more than that when you factor in everything that’s happening.

Exactly. Their financial mess is their problem.

"How much rent should I charge my lodger? | UK Lodger Guide" https://www.lodgerguide.co.uk/how-much-rent-to-charge-your-lodger/

MOVE OUT!

Why do you say that you pay half the market rate for rent in another recent thread of yours? (It is really annoying when posters do this)

Find your own place, you can budget your wage to pay for it. It sounds like your family are taking the p#** from my point of view. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay half whilst you’re dog sitting and not in their house using electricity etc. the reason they want you to stay and ‘wait’ to buy a bigger place is because they’re onto a good thing..£100 a week! Flipping heck! You’re almost paying for a mortgage there! Look around and leave. You’ll be happier.

As I say, if the sister is letting it to someone else, then absolutely OP shouldn’t pay anything. If, as OP’s first post implies, the friend is just staying every once in a while, that’s slightly different - and again, it’s where the grey area between “Is OP’s sister letting a family member stay for a bit of keep money, or is she her landlady?” makes things difficult.

Personally I wouldn’t want someone else staying in my room even on a temporary basis. But this is why I say OP needs clarity and boundaries here. If the sister is effectively getting her spare room back for a bit, the OP should only be paying a minimal retainer to keep it open for when she returns and to cover any storage.

Keep it open from what?

Keep it open instead of getting another lodger.

Exactly @StormingNorman according to OP they wouldn’t have a lodger in there if she wasn’t there so they’re not keeping it open especially when they’ll be using it as a guest room.

I feel responsible for her as a result, or at least her mental health, and making sure she is ok but as our dad reiterated to me tonight, she is always going to put herself first and I need to learn to do the same otherwise she will continue to walk over me. All advice on how to would be appreciated

I agree with pp @freebirdblue you need therapy around this - I actually missed it in your initial post that you were referring to finding your sister after a suicide attempt. That must’ve been very traumatic and I can see how it’s shaped your relationship with your sister and the dynamics between you.

But it’s clear your relationship is massively unhealthy and you seem to care more for her than she does for you which is particularly twisted considered she’s over a decade older.

Your Dad is spot on, but with all due respect you’ve had pages of people giving you advice on how to stand up for yourself in this situation which can be the first step in putting yourself first.

You have come on with various updates to give more context but what are you planning to do or at least considering doing?

You need to break free of them. They'll bleed you dry.

Wow, having read all that, you should move out as soon as you can. Your sister is clearly taking advantage and has some resentment towards you. You’re young, and as you say, have no responsibilities. You don’t need, at this time in your life, to be supporting a family that’s not yours. Maybe your sister will start to appreciate you when you’re not subsidising her lifestyle choices!

Exactly according to OP they wouldn’t have a lodger in there if she wasn’t there so they’re not keeping it open especially when they’ll be using it as a guest room.

She assumes they won’t have a lodger if she leaves. But you’re missing the point. There doesn’t have to be a lodger lined up, or even any intention to have one. What OP would be paying for is the guarantee she will get the room back. It’s all very well saying “Oh, she won’t get another lodger” - we’re talking about the option to have one.

The sister using it as a guest room is a separate issue. I would not be happy about it personally, but it is absolutely not the same as a sub-let or replacing the OP on a long-term basis.

OP, I hope that you gather up the courage to move out and save both money and heartache.

I'm really sorry your sister exploits you and your concern for her, @freebirdblue. It's a lot to take on board at your young age, when you should be enjoying your freedom and exploring possibilities.

As you've noticed yourself, your BIL's parents may well fail to pay you back for the vet. Can he pay their medical fees? Or at the very least, take it off the £50 a week (not £100 or £150!) they want to charge you while you're not living with them.

Stop buying your sister treats and subbing her kids' childhoods. Stick to birthdays and Christmas, and don't go overboard on those either.

Well done for finding out the costs of alternative accommodations. A room in a shared house will cost roughly the same as staying at your sister's and, without feeling obliged to pay for their takeaways, coffees and lunches, you'll be better off!

Your sister's going to take it badly but that was going to happen, however this arrangement ended. I hope your workplace support can find you a slot to help strengthen you. Good luck!

Also it is outrageous BIL goes for 2-3h runs and leaves you to do childcare and walk the dog!

2-3hr runs. He's having an affair, isn't he 🤔

What a bizarre situation! And how complicated!
Your sister sounds very conflicted about who is helping who here, as well as who needs what. The whole thing sounds quite bonkers to me as an outsider; why should you pay your sister to put you up when you're not there, and why did she let her partner's parents borrow you to use you as a house sitter in the first place, when she needed your rent?
I'd be inclined to move into your own place as soon as you can, because this situation may get even more weird.

Could you suggest to BIL that he asks his parents to make up the £50 they're losing with you at theirs (if you just pay them £50 that is)?

My son has a useful word for this ‘volun-told’ I.e. where you ‘volunteer’ for something that comes with a large side order of guilt/obligation. School are good at using this to get him to do extra things (parents evening, helping younger students etc) but at least at 18 he can identify when he’s been put under slightly unreasonable pressure!
I think OP would really benefit from some assertiveness training.

She wouldn’t be getting another lodger. This isn’t a lodger situation. This is OP’s sister doing her a “favour”.

I wondered why an energetic dog like a collie wasn’t going running! It’s terribly outing when the dog is too familiar with the OW 😜

Get out fast and never agree to do anything for her partners family again. Don't pay for the bloody vet bills either, that's ridiculous. Put your foot down now and refuse to pay any more because it's highly likely they have no intention of paying you back.

35k is peanuts, it doesn't go far at all once tax, student loan and pension come out, but since they are massively underemployed it will sound like a lot to them.

150 per week is reasonable if it includes meals but the childcare and dogsitting is actual work. That needs to be factored in.

The whole thing is messy and bound to cause trouble, better to move out and stay out of the boyfriends parents dog/house care arrangements in future because honestly, it reads like they've taken you for a mug there.

35k is peanuts, it doesn't go far at all once tax, student loan and pension come out, but since they are massively underemployed it will sound like a lot to them.

Yes. Plus, on a low income with two DC, they'll be getting benefits. I'm out of touch with current levels and we don't know how old the kids are, but I bet they don't talk about the extra money as much as they talk about OP's.

You keep missing the point. It doesn’t matter whether OP thinks her sister will get a lodger, or even if the sister has no intention of doing so. It’s about opportunity cost.

OP - it's actually heartbreaking reading your posts. You're being taken advantage of, horribly.

Were you not related this would be considered exploitation, right down to selling you a vehicle that's constantly needing work done on it.

This is an incredibly sad situation for you but you HAVE to get out of.