To say no, as I was an afterthought

[SkunderlaiSkendi]

I went to visit my Mum last week

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

I was then invited - in her words- ''if we can change the booking''

Me and OH have made very loose plans that involve staying home and would have loved to have gone, but the fact we are an afterthought has pissed me off to such an extent I have said no

AIBU? - clearly it matters not to anyone if me and my husband are there or not?

You already have plans. I'd be hurt too.

That's very hurtful.

Did you assume you'd be busy? What do they normally do?

What’s the backstory? Do you normally all celebrate together?

Do you live further away than your siblings?

I think it all depends. were they all together when they made plans or did they call eachother up to make these plans? do they normally celebrate xmas without you?

That’s awful. Did you ask her why you were not included in the plans?

I’d probably do exactly the same. I wouldn’t, however let them think I had other plans, I would make it quite clear that I didn’t appreciate being an afterthought. But then I’m petty like that!

Is there a reason why they didn't include you originally? Does this kind of thing happen often?

Does depend a bit on circumstances. If you normally do other plans or live a bit further away and haven't commented on spending Christmas with them before now, I'd say it's not necessarily that harsh, although maybe a bit tactless.

At least in my experience. I'm always welcome at my parents but don't go every year, my sister always goes. They assume she will be there and make plans accordingly, they tend to assume I will tell them if my family will be there and if we've not explicitly said so, the assumption is we won't be there and they make plans without us. Mind you, my parents have told me explicitly this is what they do and that I am always welcome, so communication is good. This could just be poor communication and assumptions from your family

At the end of the day, if you think you will enjoy it, go. No point cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you won't, don't go, but unless this is part of a larger pattern hold it mind it just might be incompetence rather than not wanting you there

What @Barnaclegoose said. I wouldn't not go out of a huff that you weren't invited in the first place. Go if you'd enjoy it, and if you haven't made other plans that mean its impossible.

I don’t understand why you were not invited at the beginning?

For stuff like this DH or his sister would phone each other to see if they were interested before making the booking. I find it odd that they made the booking without asking you and your OH first.

If you would enjoy it, definitely go, don't cut your nose off to spite your face, but I would find it a bit offputting too.

Normally celebrate together some years, and other years in our own homes

I live about an an hour away, one sibling is flying in from abroad

If your sibling is coming from abroad then that makes it all the odder. Getting together on Christmas Day seems like the perfect time for you to spend time with them.

Neither do i

Have they done this before? Or is this a one off?

Yes and to make it worse, my sibling got married abroad recently, and ive never met their significant other

You were not invited to your siblings wedding?

I'd struggle to get past this.

Ask you mum why you weren't invited?

I've heard before where someone isn't invited because they have an autistic child so the rest of the family didn't want the 'tricky' kid there

Or maybe they don't like your DH?

I wouldn’t want to go in your shoes. I would feel uncomfortable knowing I wasn’t really invited.

Are they often like this? Could they have assumed you would have plans already, or perhaps it was one of those plans that came together over time and there was no moment where anyone thought it through properly?

I would still go, assuming there's not a load of backstory and it could just have been an error.

If you didn't go to siblings wedding, is that why?

Snub for a snub?

What's the backstory with you not attending the wedding? Could that be annoying the sibling or your mother?

If this is a one off and usually you are close and included in everything I would just say you were hurt to be forgotten but still go.

If this is a pattern and happens more often, it might be the final straw and a deal breaker. Deliberately excluding family members is bullying. It’s a form of abuse. The fact your invite is not even a given is so hurtful.

This is shit. I wouldn't go - I'd say I already had other plans - but I would definitely say how hurt you are.

Is there more backstory? Eg do you have difficulty with one sibling?

Instead of asking randomers on the web, have you asked your mum?????