To say no, as I was an afterthought

[SkunderlaiSkendi]

I went to visit my Mum last week

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

I was then invited - in her words- ''if we can change the booking''

Me and OH have made very loose plans that involve staying home and would have loved to have gone, but the fact we are an afterthought has pissed me off to such an extent I have said no

AIBU? - clearly it matters not to anyone if me and my husband are there or not?

I'd ask because If nothing else, I'd want to make my mother explain to me why I wasn't included.

I'd want to know if there was some 'issue' with me that I didn't know about. Did I offend someone? Did I give the impression that I wasn't interested it being part of the family?

And you don’t think there’s a back story?! 😆

You have a terminal illness according to another thread?

I would suggest that they booked it to get in and had to pay then asked you if you wanted to join them so would add additional people. You werent an afterthought they didn't want to pressure you

If you would enjoy it - then accept.

Do you think that they wouldn't enjoy your company?
Is there any reason why they wouldn't?

If family organised something - and then asked me - I wouldn't be offended or worried that they perferred me not to go. I'd assume that they thought me busy - or that they just hadn't got around to asking me.

Your feelings about this suggest that you do not feel confident of their love . You are seeing in this a confirmation of being 'second' in their affections.
Do you have any other reason for feeling this?

Wow... did you mean to come across thia rudely?

the op says there’s no back story

clearly that is a back story

Coming up with potential excuses for not inviting someone without finding out whether those excuses hold water is just as hurtful.

I'd do this. I wouldn't be tiptoeing around something so hurtful.

I think you need to ask your mum why you weren't included from the beginning. Tell her it's making you reconsider your entire relationship with her and whether you want to make any more effort with her and your siblings going forward since you were clearly being excluded from a family Christmas dinner out for no obvious reason.

Reminds me of the time my parents, all my siblings and even one of my own DC went out for a father's day meal but didn't invite me.

Not surprised you're hurt op.

and if you’re honest

what’s your relationship like with these people that a) you weren’t invited and b) they all wanted to go knowing you wouldn’t be there

My first question to my mum would have been, why didn’t you ask us when you booked?

There's clearly a lot of backstory here.

I imagine a lot of it centers around the siblings unknown partner and OP not attending their wedding. Just a hunch.

Complex relationships in some cases but not bad.

My mum said it was only meant to be 1 sibling and his family and it kind of snowballed. Then my DD was invited as she lived just around the corner and doesn't have a father - she didn't realise I hadn't been invited just assumed I wouldn't have gone as I had a small baby. To be fair I probably wouldn't have but it still stung!

If you want to go and see your siblings then I would accept the offer but I would say that you were hurt by not being included in the initial planning and is there a reason for this.

ok so not even a fraction as bad as your first post would indicate

indeed

but it’s a mumsnet thread afterall

No it's not 'loud and clear'!
Just ask her! At least it is an opportunity to get things out in the open - maybe she is harbouring some resentment you have no idea about! Like now you are harbouring resentment, and she may not realise!

I wouldn't cut off your nose to spite your face tbh. If you want to go just say so.. and directly ask why she hadn't thought to include you initially? It may be that she assumed you wouldn't be interested for some reason... I think it's best to find out what's actually gone on here before you decide to take offense.

I must admit I agree with this. I can totally understand why you feel pissed off, but people aren’t perfect and cock up without really thinking.

if you think told enjoy it, go.

I would tell my mother & my siblings you are extremely confused about why you weren't included in the initial plan & see what they have to say. If there is a reasonable excuse I'd go along & put it out of my head.

I didn't read this post. It's getting worse,just go along & stop the drama.

If saying 'no' hurts yourself, and you want to go and would get something positive out of seeing your family, then it's worth making an effort to go despite the snub. Put these initial feelings of hurt aside. If it repeats, then you'll need to ask questions of why you weren't included in the plans from the start.

Ask her why in your words, you were “an after thought”.