To say no, as I was an afterthought

[SkunderlaiSkendi]

I went to visit my Mum last week

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

I was then invited - in her words- ''if we can change the booking''

Me and OH have made very loose plans that involve staying home and would have loved to have gone, but the fact we are an afterthought has pissed me off to such an extent I have said no

AIBU? - clearly it matters not to anyone if me and my husband are there or not?

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

Its fatal to assume, but is the meal in question a Christmas Day meal? Or a meal in the run-up to (or just after) Christmas?

I don't think that is petty at all. I think it is honest and direct.

Forget about how you were invited, do you want to go?

There is no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Life is too short! If you want to go, go. You rarely know which Christmas is a loved one’s last, and is cutting your nose off to spite your face really something you’d hypothetically live happily with?

I agree, would’ve been nice to have been included in the initial plans, but you can say yes, go have a great time and have no drama about it. You’ve been invited a whole month in advance.

Being offended is a choice. I suspect if you have an otherwise decent relationship with your mum this wasn’t something out of malice.

The question you asked was whether you WBU not to go, as you were clearly an afterthought. The approach that people are suggesting is that your response may depend on understanding the reason why your Mum did not include you in the first place. So as to clarify the “afterthought” status. They are saying that YABU to decline without understanding your Mum’s motivation better, or even just giving her a chance to apologise for a misunderstanding. But seeing as you are clearly determined to be a martyr and close your mind to any further discussion, there is not much more advice that can be offered. Maybe your family did not include you because you are quick to take offence and not relaxing company?

Did your Mum have more notice? Is she the type or parent that enjoyed pitting her children against each other?

I would try to have a conversation with them about why you were an afterthought rather than cutting off your nose to spite your face. We’ve had this dynamic in our family and since I raised it with my parents they’ve been better about including us.

I'd be very hurt but I'd go anyway. It's your mum who has excluded you, not your siblings and it would be a shame to miss out on seeing them and meeting your new IL just because your mum has done something unpleasant.

It will also give you the opportunity to make it clear that in future you want to be asked about attending family get togethers.

I agree with this.

Exactly this. I'm sure most bigger families operate like this at times. I might be speaking to my mum about a new restaurant and she'll say oh lets book it and then we'll invite siblings on later. Or some family will be visiting and we'll book a meal with them then put the word out and the booking will be changed to include those who want to come. It's really not a big deal but the fact you seem so disproportionately upset and can't even communicate this to your mum makes me feel there's some strange family dynamics going on

This is exactly the kind of thing my mom would do to me, and then blame me for not being able to go. But she hates me so 🤷‍♀️

Honestly, parents can have massive blind spots/ false narratives sometimes. Have you always been the sibling who gets forgotten? Are you the least demanding/dramatic, the one who always got left out, the middle child?

Surely in this example, once the second sibling invites themselves it’s an obvious time to open it up to the third sibling and chance the booking all at once? Very thoughtless not to.

It's relevant because if the answer is "we thought you'd be at work/you like to have Christmas on your own/it would be too far to get to the meal" that's a bit different to "we didn't think about asking you, but suppose we might be able to include you if you you want to come".

did you not ask why you weren't included from the get go?

I am really sorry OP ..I would be hurt too and bloody furious in equal measure.

Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face. If you would like to go, and meet your new bil, etc. then never let inconsiderate people get in your way.

There could be other explanations for this especially if your dm doesn’t have form for this. Sometimes in the early stages of cognitive decline people are so focused on covering up their mistakes that they don’t think through the implications. In DH’s family it would be normal for mil to be the communication hub because she talks to everyone everyday but she’s not always reliable. We’ve all learned to check our sources before falling out!

Even if there is a bit of pettiness going on you don’t have to engage in the game. Pretend not to notice, or just rise above it - it takes the satisfaction out of it.

Have a think about what sort of Christmas you want. If you’re going to end up sitting at home brooding on this (with the best intentions I probably would), then you might be better to take the bulk by the horns and go.

If things are normally harmonious in your family then YANBU. It must be very hurtful. But maybe they have a reason, I would ask. "Mum, I'm really hurt that I wasn't included in the plans for Christmas. Have I done something to upset one of you?"

If she didn't want you to go she wouldn't have mentioned it though would she. She did invite you as soon as she saw you. Are you normally a close family? I wouldn't give this a second thought tbh but I'm very close to my mum so I'd just put it down to forgetfulness instead of jumping to the reason being her forgetting she had another daughter! If you want to go, just go. You and your DH sitting at home sulking is just pointless

Well say no if you want but also explain why. Otherwise they might be oblivious to your feelings and resentment will continue to grow

Op whilst it's hurtful I would take the opportunity to save money and do something really wonderful with your partner. Perhaps upgrade to posh restaurant or buy something special food wise, go to a show... Stay in beautiful b and b etc.

Another who echoes asking why you weren’t included, particularly as it would be your first opportunity to meet your sib’s new wife/husband. Very odd. Surely your mum wants that, particularly as he/she is flying from abroad? Yes, I’d be incredibly hurt.

Maybe they knew you planned to stay home and that's why you are not invited. Rather than sit and stew in your own resentment, find out the actual reason.

I'd just be asking why I wasn't invited from the start

It would make me not want to go, because I am very sensitive and feel rejected easily but if there was some sort of reasonable sounding explanation and I was made to feel wanted that might change things

If a half arsed explanation or little regard to my feelings of rejection I would not go, as it would be worse to go and not feel wanted than it would feel just to miss out