To say no, as I was an afterthought

[SkunderlaiSkendi]

I went to visit my Mum last week

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

I was then invited - in her words- ''if we can change the booking''

Me and OH have made very loose plans that involve staying home and would have loved to have gone, but the fact we are an afterthought has pissed me off to such an extent I have said no

AIBU? - clearly it matters not to anyone if me and my husband are there or not?

Yes, it could be, but it might just have been organised in a scatty, roundabout way. With your sister abroad, there are fewer opportunities to meet up, so take the opportunity when you can. It sounds like you might benefit from trying to reconnect with your sister. Try not to take offence, over something if it's possible to get the wrong end of the stick over. Reserve that option if/when it becomes really obvious that they're excluding you. Do you have a family whatsapp? If not, I'd set one up and send them all a message saying you'd like to come. If it works, then you haven't lost anything and if it doesn't, then step away.

YANBU. I would stick to the arrangements with your DH and if your mother asks why just “well you didn’t think of me when you made the decision/booking”

Your mum hasn't forgotten she has three kids, but there are obviously issues with the closeness of your family that have brought this situation about.

It's not like you're all playing happy families and out of the blue one of you has been singled out.

If my family didn't know about a siblings wedding until a few days out, I'd hardly be surprised at the lack of a dinner invite.

People can be busy/thoughtless/forgetful. Maybe there were crossed wires and whoever booked it had understood from someone else that you couldn't go.

I'd try to go. If you don't then you are going to be further separated from your family in the long run

This happened to me and I never really got over it.

I agree OP. If you wrote down every single thing in original posts they’d be ten pages long. Plus, the other sibling (who is invited to Xmas dinner) also did not attend wedding

You rarely know which Christmas is a loved one’s last,

As it could be anyone's last this is pointless emotional blackmail

And I would HAVE to ask why I hadn't been included

The answer to that would help make decisions in the future

But none of them knew!

That’s really hurtful OP. I wouldn’t go either.
similar things have happened in my family - I was asked to join on a trip for my dads 60th as an afterthought - all the bookings/ planning had already been made for months with Sister and her partner - I suspect I was only invited to make the price per person cost less for them. I’ve also only been invited to Christmas/ Father’s Day/ Mother’s Day only because I asked them if they wanted to do something and they then disclosed that they were having celebrations - if I hadn’t then I wouldn’t have asked. Sometimes it’s not deliberate exclusion but more that they didn’t think to include you - but that is still hurtful.
if you’re able to put it all aside and go and enjoy yourself regardless then do, but that is a really difficult thing to do.

While I imagine I would feel hurt, I also think refusing would be cutting my nose off to spite my face if I hadn’t made other plans and wanted to go and connect. I would also consider my own actions. Why hadn’t I been in touch and asked what they planned for Xmas, made arrangements to see them if that’s what I wanted. I guess part of it is you feel sad for being left out but hadn’t arranged something for them to be included either.

This is not emotional blackmail, you’re getting a bit over excited here.

It is a frank reminder not to get caught up in the pointless bickering that can be all encompassing in the moment, and distracting from what actually matters in life.

Ask away, but does it really matter? What exactly is OP expecting mum to say? Probably, there was miscommunication on one or both parts and mum thought OP was already committed. Maybe OP made a statement earlier this year about Xmas at home? It’s not likely that it was done with malice if the relationship is otherwise positive.

YANBU to say no to joining them.
Do you want to find out why you were an afterthought though? That would inform my decision.
There are obviously family dynamics going on which people would like to know about because all things being equal it would be very, very strange to exclude one member of a family for no reason.

I’d to them to get knotted and do something yourself . horrid situation .

All this 'cutting your nose off to spite your face' is not helpful. Placing the blame for THEM not including her. Why didn't the mother check first that ALL the siblings had been asked before the booking?

Some families are so toxic. Don't disregard Ops feelings here, its very hurtful and some families revel in this bullshit.

so the whole family were only told six days before the impending nuptuals and neither me nor my other sibling went

It is not normal for families to find out about weddings of their children or siblings less than a week before the day. I guess none of you can be at all close to the just-married sibling because a wedding (especially one abroad) would have been an important and exciting topic of conversation.

My sibling told me they were getting married-& then didn't invite me!

Sounds as if you have been invited knowing that you'll say no or the booking can't be changed but they tried.

But you have been invited iyswim.

So the assumption would be that no one wants you there as no one has invited you/mentioned it?

That's awful.

Must be tempting to walk away from all of them.

Sometimes things just happen and it's not intentional. Something as simple at your mum saying to sibling your brother is coming home on xxx and where going for a meal for a proper catch up. Sibling saying I'd love to see him been so long can I come. Mum: yeah no prob. Sibling great il get it booked.

Family dynamics can be complicated, the only person able to understand what is going here is the OP.

Personally I would be delighted at not being asked, but thats possibly me and my family!

Have you been in contact with sibling who is coming from abroad to meet up with them?

Realistically OP you do know why.

Similar has happened in my family. Sister invites mum out to lunch, mum just happens to mention to other sibling and they say, oh we are free and cadge an invite and it is just an oversight, no malice intended.

You will know if it is intentional or not - they are you parents and siblings you've known them all your life and how they operate. If you don't know then you must not be close to your family which then might be the reason and something to work on if you want to be closer

Could it be that the sibling from abroad organised this and your mum is actually trying to include you?

Could it be that the sibling from abroad organised this and your mum is actually trying to include you?

Whoever organised it though-why wouldn't they just ask Op?

There's only 3 of them!

Only thing would be if everyone thought Op was busy & have just found out that she isn't.

and how do you get on with your siblings?

there will be a back story Op

You just don’t wish to disclose for whatever reason 🤷 (probably doesnt paint you on the best light!)

interesting

so you didn’t attend the wedding

and so the back story emerges

oh i remember

you started a thread about this!