To say no, as I was an afterthought

[SkunderlaiSkendi]

I went to visit my Mum last week

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

I was then invited - in her words- ''if we can change the booking''

Me and OH have made very loose plans that involve staying home and would have loved to have gone, but the fact we are an afterthought has pissed me off to such an extent I have said no

AIBU? - clearly it matters not to anyone if me and my husband are there or not?

This seems weird and rude. If for whatever reason you made it clear you had other plans, then I'd get them not inviting you initially. But if nothing was discussed you'd think they'd invite you. If they misjudged it, then why not say 'we're making a booking, would you like to join us'. And make out like you've not yet finalised it. Just in order to save your feelings.
Well, I'd say you'd be better off having a nice cosy relaxing day at home with your DH. Meals out on Xmas day are often a rip off. I also always feel bad for the staff having to work on Xmas lunchtime.
In past years have you had meals together, at eachother homes, at a restaurant? I could only imagine in their defense they might assume you were doing something like last year where you were elsewhere?
I hope you have a nice day at home, relaxing and stress free! X

I think you need to be honest here. Say you are feeling hurt and would like to know why you weren't included in the invite initially.

(Even more hurtful that you're now invited IF they can change the booking to accommodate you. Rather than them changing date, venue etc to ensure you're included.)

So you don't have contact with your siblings then ?

I would say "we'd loved to have come, but as it was arranged without us and we have been invited after it has been booked, we feel we are just an afterthought, so we won't bother. Merry Christmas"

If OP mother is anything like my sister that pulls this kind of stuff the response will involve huffing, accusations of you always being "like this", screaming well you are asked now and are making things difficult for the restaurant, invent something that happened in 1982 and this being the end result, basically anything but an open, adult conversation where hurt is acknowledged and amends are made by both parties.

Can you tell that she has been up to her antics recently and I am finally done trying to please her.

It depends on how it was organised.

I'd feel most put out if they had organised it as a group and purposefully excluded me.

However if it was originally just overseas couple + mum, and then they saw or spoke to siblings 2 who invited themselves along and changed the booking, and then mum has spoken to you then I wouldn't have minded too much. Ofcourse on Sibling 2 inviting themselves they could have rung you and found out then before changing the booking.

Attend if you'd enjoy it and anticipate that it would be convivial.

If you or the other attendees see it as an opportunity for airing grievances, passive-aggression, or outbreaks of snark, then it doesn't sound particularly festive.

Were the rest of the family invited to the wedding?

Much drip feed.

Sibling abroad, never met their partner.

Why didn't you attend the wedding.

Any back story about not going to the wedding?

Have you asked why you were not invited? I’d have to just outright ask as it’s very bizarre.

So did all the other members of the family go to the wedding abroad? There must be a reason why you've been excluded surely?

Did she assume you were busy and only realised you could come when it cropped up in conversation?

I would be very hurt and insulted. I would be asking why you weren't included from the start and make it clear how upset you are.

It could be a snub for this, but even the wedding i got the impression that the soon to be married sibling made it hard for our side of the family to attend

It was a strange one to be honest - so the whole family were only told six days before the impending nuptuals and neither me nor my other sibling went - as we both work full time and cannot get time off with less than a week notice

The only one who went was Mum , but shes retired

I'm sorry. I'd find that hurtful too
More so as your sibling is flying in from Abroad.
In that situation I would've rang round and check everyone could make it before booking.
Being an hour way is close in my view for a family get together.

I think it would be churlish not to go as you want to go. It is a massive oversight on their part, and one that will reverberate unless corrected. Personally I would say the following:

'Please can you change the booking, if need be finding a new venue that can hold all of us. I am upset we were not included in the first instance for a Christmas Day celebration.' (maybe you even phone the venue direct and see if they can add two onto the booking?!)

Act quickly though. Places get booked out

Charming! They’re nice aren’t they. And your sibling is flying in, and you haven’t met their partner? WTF? I’d tell her how hurt you are for one thing - I wouldn’t be going unless I got a good explanation frankly.

Ask what, exactly?

Why did you arrange the meal without including me Mum?

It isnt intentional, it is hard to pre-empt what questions people may want answers to, I guess

Well I could indeed, but this isn't the question I asked here

I am not really sure I will ask, as the message is there loud and clear. No amount of 'oversight' will make up for forgetting you have 3 kids not 2

I would join them and I wouldn't care at all that I wasn't part of the original plan. In my family what happens is someone says "We should eat at X place! Let's see can we get it booked in now" and it gets booked, without the added complication of asking the siblings or family who aren't there. Often when those people hear about it later they say "That sounds good, can we get in on that too" and if it is possible, it happens, and if not that is not seen as a rejection because it isn't one.

I am guessing something similar happened in this case - one sibling booked a meal with the parents, and the other sibling wanted in.

I have a DC who due to age and lifestyle chooses to do fewer things with the extended family than their siblings. I'm very much an opt in rather than out person, as there's nothing worse than your DC feeling obliged to be there, and i want there to be no pressure, and for it to be clear that there's no offence if they have other plans. This often results in me mentioning family plans to this DC who will then say 'lovely for you. I'm off to Thailand' or 'oh, I'll come to that'. Could your history have led your mum to be taking this approach?

I wouldn’t cut off my nose to spite my face. If you want to go, go. If you don’t, don’t. But I really think life is much easier if you don’t constantly take offence all over the place.

I no longer have contact with my mother and siblings after years of this, it got too painful to be constantly snubbed. However often I explained how I felt there were always excuses and it would still happen again. Meals, holidays, spa days. Like you a sibling abroad but still missing me from the meet up when they were visiting my mother. It was a hard decision and I still hurt, but it’s better than the constant additional pain each time it happened.