To say no, as I was an afterthought

[SkunderlaiSkendi]

I went to visit my Mum last week

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

I was then invited - in her words- ''if we can change the booking''

Me and OH have made very loose plans that involve staying home and would have loved to have gone, but the fact we are an afterthought has pissed me off to such an extent I have said no

AIBU? - clearly it matters not to anyone if me and my husband are there or not?

If I was you I'd be pissed off too, so YANBU.

My DM and DS used to do this a lot. Except I wasn't given an invite or choice if I wanted to go to places. Years later, I still feel hurt when I think about it.

I’d feel sad if that happened to me. Then I would make bread and bash the living daylights out of the dough.

PS I’m a fan of this phrase:
”Is there a special reason why …?”
(we were not included in the booking)

followed by silence until I get an answer. If I really want to know.

There is no point asking us, you need to ask your mum. But you're obviously not close to her if you can't ask her even a most basic anodyne straight forward question of why she didn't ask you before.

Ok, unless theres some important detail you've left out, ie you stole your sisters husband and family struggling to forgive this aberration etc

its of a pants thing to do, but sometimes so called grown ups never seem to leave family politics behind and are happiest meddling to ensure one member of the family is allways left out in the cold.

Personally, I wouldn't go but I would still politely challenge your Mum by asking if there was any particular reason you were not included in original invite?

Your oher sibling, not the one who clearly carries on the family tradition of being a maggot, whats their situation? Ie are they fairly straightforward and seen this type of family politics played out before and don't engage. If so, have a quiet word and just let them know you were a late invite - irs hurtful etc. They'll empathise and together you can communicate to prevent future occurrences

Only way to ever stop this behaviour is to not support it. Next family get-together check if everyone's invited, if not, why not...

Then take the fish approach to family.... great for 3 days before it all starts to go off....

Best of luck and remember, its their problem, not yours.

I don’t understand either why you wouldn’t ask? Regardless that it doesn’t change the situation, you are obviously upset you were not included so to not ask is even more bizarre.

I think you should go to the Christmas dinner if at all possible. Whatever rupture or problem exists - that has led to you being excluded from the dinner - will only get worse if you and your family are not there. I also think that you should tell your mother how hurt you were not to be invited in the first place and to ask her to explain why this happened. This conversation will be difficult, but it is essential.

I don’t think it’s fair to criticize the OP for not asking why at the time — sometimes there's a scapegoat and it’s beyond logic, and the hurt in the moment leaves the person disoriented.

Could it be a passive-aggressive critique of your not having children, as if you don’t fit in to their idea of a family Christmas?

YABU to turn it down without addressing the issue.

“Why wasn’t I invited from the beginning? No I won’t be joining as I was an afterthought”

I've done something similar with a family member, mainly because they never ever contact me, it's always the other way round, they never spend Christmas with the rest of our family as they "have animals that need taking care of" and if they do spend Christmas elsewhere it's with their partner's family. I would love them to make the effort to be with us but I guess I've got to the point where I assume they won't. Could it be something similar with your family? That they've just assumed you'll have other plans because you usually do? If you'd love to be there why not swallow your pride and tell them? I'm sure they'd love you to be there.

See, for me, unless you have told her that that is the reason the yes you are BU. You're just cutting your nose off and being PA.

As for people saying the wedding is a dripfreed, I disagree. I dont see the relevance.

Aww I totally feel for you, surely one of your siblings could have asked even if your Mum didn't think to, it's a strange one, awful not to be included by anyone most of all family. It is a dilemma go to something you feel you were an afterthought to be asked or not go and be constantly thinking about it anyway. Can you not ask your sister who arranged with your mum? why she didn't ask you. how close are you to her? How does your family usually get on with your Husband? Sorry for all questions, you don't necessarily have to answer them on here just things for you to think about as to why you weren't asked. I'd see if you can go to it sometimes you have to be the bigger person and you'll all have a great time maybe it's what all family needs to get together and your mum to realise her mistake in not inviting you in first place. All the best.

So why do not you ask your mum (and perhaps siblings separately) why you were not initially invited and are an after thought? If mum says something like she thought you had other arrangements say "how would you know that if you have not asked". I do not understand why people do not talk to other people instead of asking on here. Have a conversation with your mum and let her know how you are feeling.

OP, this would hurt my feelings too. I think you should choose whichever option will hurt less. I'm usually the one parachuting in and around whom the plans are made, but I get in touch with everyone, including those I don't plan to see, to explain and catch up before anyone else starts talking about it.

I don't think I'd bother. Doesn't sound like you're a very close family tbh

Why is being ill a back story? Why should that have any bearing? I am undergoung camcer treatment i wpuldnt think to share thar in a post like thia. It jas nothing to do with it...you just come across very nastily

because a terminal illness would mean (a) there may be limited time for future family interaction and (b) OP feels like her family are moving on without her already.

As o say i have cancer...if i thought my family were treatimg mr differently because of ot o would not be happy. Her comment was nasty and unnecessary

But that was exactly her point. The fact that OP’s family may be treating her differently because she is ill is back story that is relevant to the advice sought.

Sorry you are unwell.

I can understand why you feel hurt, but have a few questions that may help you understand why.

Who organised the get together? Is you brother from abroad staying locally near your Mum and other brother? Are your brothers closer in age? Do they have a closer relationship? Have you turned down similar invitations in the past? Do their children get on better together? Is the meal on Christmas Day or some other time? Would you have wished to attend if you had been invited? Does your DH/partner get on with your siblings? Is money tight for you? Do you have special dietary needs/preferences which would make venue choice difficult? Or a different attitude to alcohol? Had you already indicated to your DM what your plans were?
Have you fallen out with siblings in the past? I do feel it might be helpful (albeit hurtful) to find out why you may have been excluded. There may well be a different side to the story.

If you do wish to go, why did you turn-down the late invite? If you did want to go and would like to be included in the future you’re maybe being a bit over-sensitive to the perceived slight.

If they’re leaving you out of things they’re being unkind. I wouldn’t go…

However if they’re paying I’d go and order as much as you can at their expense for revenge. 😉

Thank you for your response (to an entirely different conversation) - but thanks all the same