To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

Why on earth did you lend them money in the first place?!

Why would you lend them money????

One of the most bonkers thread I've read on here.

"Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money."

You're not. You're paying for the children's school fees.

Are you implying she's using the money for herself?

Where are the children while both the parents are away?

Clearly you have never liked or trusted her. She does have a job though, if only pt. If he earns well abroad why can he not cover the expenses? Is it a loan or a gift?

I’m not sure that will change anything tbh

did you pay the fees direct or loan them the amount?

I would be having words with your bil about divorce

You lent them the money but you can’t put conditions on it that someone works. Your full post is distasteful and you clearly dislike the woman. It’s up to them as a couple how they handle money imo. Does she even know BIL borrowed money from you?

Don't lend money unless you can afford to never see it again.

It would be wonderful if you can afford to support your niblings to finish out their education at their schools, but if you can't you can't. There's a lot going on here and you are only delaying the inevitable. Obviously the strings attached mean nothing to your SIL and she's not going to change her behaviour.

Are you giving the money to them, or are you paying the school directly?

Do you have a signed contract, including the repayment terms, with them?

Your BIL will know about the trip as he either follows his wife's social media or his children will tell him.

Your SIL is not going to change, its pointless putting conditions in place to try and make her do so.

Its unclear whether the money is a gift or a loan. However if it was framed as a loan then its highly unlikely you will see a penny of it again.

Your options are continue to pay your nieces school fees recognising that you wont see the money again and your SIL is highly unlikely to change or stop paying. Any impact this has on your nieces will be down to your SIL and BIL and not you.

You were mad to lend them money. They're obviously spending beyond their means. I'd prob take it as a life lesson and not expect it back.

Never a lender or a borrower be

To add, your BIL should be hitting the roof with her, not you.

The only condition you can stipulate when you lend money, is the schedule to pay it back.

Your BIL is not a victim, he is an adult man, with children, and a job, it is not up to you to rescue him.

If they cannot afford school fees, their children cannot go to private school.

BIL need to grow up, get a backbone, and stop relying on you.

You have enabled him to enable his wife. I would stop supporting this immediately, if I were you.

What were the terms of your loan to your BIL and SIL? Did you get anything in writing?

It sounds as though you agreed with your BIL you would pay the fees - but your SIL may be completely unaware of what role she is to play in all of this?

Never lend money you can’t afford to lose.

Your lending “conditions” are completely unenforceable.

Either lend it or not. Incredibly presumptuous of you to put conditions on it though. You are trying to control HIS situation, and in doing so, you too have taken advantage of him. The only one who will suffer in this scenario is your brother in law.

Why on earth would you think you could 'insist' that she does anything- she's a grown woman!

Lend it or don't lend it, but don't make ridiculous stipulations- that's just madness.

I am sure BIL is a lovely man, but he also sounds a weak man I’m afraid. He needs to sort his own marriage and money problems out. The only thing that is your business is the money owed to you (and why you lent it I don’t know, it was obvs she wasn’t going to play ball re your ‘conditions’). They obvs need to pay it back but when and indeed if that happens is anyone’s guess.

You didn’t really lend your SIL money - you gave it to your BIL to pay school fees.

However feckless your SIL is, you are really only doing this for your BIL. It is him you need to speak to. She’s irrelevant, however annoying

You need to stop thinking of your brother-in-law as a feeble virginal man who's a victim of her exploitation. He should have been making better decisions from the beginning. At 29, he should have known to use a condom. He's in a situation of his own making, and it's up to him to sort it out.

School fees? Did BIL not consider state school instead of asking family and causing lots of resentment? I think you’ve made a big mistake lending them this money as you can’t realistically police her life.

Your BIL is a mug.

You and your DH are mugs.

You can't change the first one, but you can certainly do something about the second.

I vote YBU because it was foolish to lend them money.

She sounds horrendous, yes, and BIL should divorce her.

But you can’t agree to lend someone money with the caveat that their wife get a job, you were never in the position to enforce that.

You were daft to lend them money. Their choices and that includes private school fees is not your responsibility

Hopefully you got something legal drawn up because there is no way she is going to get a job just on your say so

I would be stopping the fees immediately. And if that causes issues with the kids schooling then too bad. Their parents issue to solve not yours