To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

I think some posters are being harsh on @Getonwitit . The children are her nieces and nephews and clearly she wanted to help and was in a position to do so. The SIL actions at targeting this man to pretend he'd got her pregnant shows her moral compass.

I think you need to start coming to terms that you have lost your inheritance sadly.

Time to play hard ball.

Tell your BIL his wife is spending money and he will be getting no more from you, so he had better give notice to the children's schools and find a local state school.

They need to downsize the house, sell stuff, and yes both of them need jobs.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo - hadn't thought about that. I really hope so!

I don’t understand the pregnancy time line. BIL & SIL met and had sex, 3 weeks later she discovered she was pregnant, married 2 months later, baby born 7 months after the wedding. But she was already pregnant by someone else when met BIL. And the baby was premature too? It makes no sense.

I don't think anyone thinks SIL is a nice person, just that she, and her marriage to BIL, are not OP's business. If BIL wants to stay married to her then he's made his choice. It's an idiotic choice but it's his to make.

They're NOT your children though! And one of them isn't even your BIL's.

The time line is clear.

SIL was pregnant, slept with BiL and pretended it was his. Pretended the 9lb baby was premature. Then got pregnant again very quickly after the marriage. Had the baby nine months later.

Quite clearly the SiL should cut the trips and use that money to pay the children’s fees.

Who the heck sponges off their husband’s siblings? Pure greed and brass neck.

You are very silly to be involving yourself.
Have them sell their house and pay the fees.
Your BIL is as feckless as she is, to allow this.

They are both taking you for a mug.
She just is using you as well now.

No doubt your BIL knew you had an inheritance so came to you.

They should have taken a loan out, remortgage etc.

You're all as bad as each other. Your BIL is a grown man. It is not up to you to fund his lifestyle choices such as school fees . He's an idiot for staying with her. And your back story is insane, you make her out to be sone sort of predator who lured your virgin BIL to a lifestyle of slavery working and doing nothing else! He's a grown man.

It's not his child

This post is quite batshit mad and there's a lot to take in but let me extract the parts that I truly goggled at:

A 58k kitchen? My mum recently went mad on a posh kitchen and spent £20k and it's NICE. What on earth does a £58k kitchen look like?

The choices your BiL makes, and how his marriage operates, is something you have no control over. You can't tell him, nor his money-grabbing wife, what to do.

You used your INHERITANCE to bail them out? You paid for the kids school fees? I love my niece & nephew too, but the follies of their parents have NOTHING to do with me! It's their problem. You could have used your inheritance on something good for yourselves, for you to enjoy.

You should have stayed out of this. Don't give them one more penny. Not the same situation but my ExH used to take out loans to keep his Dad afloat, because of a grabby wife. She spent money like water. Dad retired on a good pension, a large lump sum, but by the time he died it was all gone. Don't go down that road, it's a constant lifelong repayment plan, and you won't see all of your money ever again. I know!

You wouldn’t believe how many women think farmers are ticket to an easy rich life.

I'm sorry OP. But you are spending YOUR inheritance bailing out the SIL who is clearly hell on wheels. You're mad to carry on. Where's the illicit child's father?

I struggle to believe that an entire family could be this stupid yet also have made this much money tbh.

The most shocking thing to me is that he was a 29 year old virgin and a young farmer.

That's like saying his favourite meat is steak and he's a vegan.

He’s not a farmer.

Its possible to pay the school directly.

Surely he could just cut up the credit cards.

Had BIL and SIL covered other options on school fees before they came to you for the loan @Getonwitit ? Spoken to the school about bursary? Payment plans? Equity in property?

Were/are you making payment direct to the school?

Final question - what did you think was going to be the outcome of lending to your seemingly-nice-but-clearly-weak BIL and your chancer of a SIL? Was he going to suddenly grow a set and she suddenly going to become a decent human being? Humbled by her experience and turning over a new leaf?

Sadly, people don't fundamentally change.

I’ve seen it multiple times. I come from farming communities.

Sorry but I'd be withdrawing my help of paying for the school fees(not that I would have offered in the first place if I'm honest). What incentive does she have to stop spending if they're getting bailed out all the time?

Why was he at a young farmers party then.