To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

Yep.

He may have been sexually inexperienced but hw was nearly 30. He has a presumably decent job so he has a brain.

He should have used condoms.

And he - or someone in the family - should have thought about the possibility that this young woman could have had unprotected sex with others and insisted on paternity testing. If PT couldn't get done safely before birth, then no marriage should have taken place before birth. She could insist all she liked about wanting to marry before birth and not wanting to show in her wedding dress...too fucking bad.
He and his family were both doormats at that pivotal time.

Some responsibility has to fall on him and his family.

He's now - again - being a doormat and you're suffering because of it.

Dress it up however you like BIL is not a victim but a wilful participant to this madness who has absolutely enabled her and continues to do so to your disadvantage.

Exactly.

If i don't pay the school fee's her son will have to leave the school.

I don't believe that for a second, you were the easiest way to keep the gravy train going, but I don't believe that they would have pulled their kids from school at all.

A close family member did something similar years ago, she had let her boyfriend, who didn't want a 'normal' job, to blast through her savings instead of getting a job for two year, then when they ran out of money they came and asked me very upset to lend them money, I've always helped her out with bits and bobs, so I think they just expected me to say yes, but I was so angry at the audacity of the boyfriend I got quite harsh with them and asked him directly why he couldn't get a job instead?? then when he blah blahed an excuse I asked him why he couldn't sell his property that he wasn't living in instead then??? to which he just went quiet, I was fuming and said absolutely not under those circumstances, no.

He immediately got a full time job and they've been stable and steadily working through their debts ever since. It is not your job to finance your BILs kids.

Would you say this to a woman who was being financially abused?

I bet the answer is no

You think BIL is being financially abused?.. He's the main earner and has the power to change anything in that relationship.

I'm not convinced that he doesn't know what money is being spent in that house, but he has obviously got no backbone to say no to her.. he is a willing participant in paying the price to keep her 'happy'... it doesn't mean he is being financially abused.

YABU to think that you can impose further stipulations on the loan agreement when you already have this in place, that they seem to be sticking to. You insisted SIL get a job, by the sounds of your post she now has a PT one? So you're being ridiculous to even think you can insist she gets another one!
You dont know that she even paid for this trip, but even if she did, I cant imagine expecting someone to not live their lives and just sit at home 24/7. If they are repaying the loan as agreed then im sorry but everything else is none of your business.
You agreed to this loan to help out BIL and his DCs. That was lovely of you, but again you've done that to help them out so just leave it at that and stop trying to control the situation. If they default on payment then obviously that's another issue and you raise the concerns at that point, but they havent yet.
None of the other points on the post are really relevant, how they met etc. It just reinforces that you obviously dont like your SIL so are now begrudging her living her life just because they owe you money that you agreed to lend and have repayments on.

Yes, this is exactly what I mean when I said this. In reality, she is the one who is at a financial disadvantage because she works part time and therefore is not the breadwinner. Her actions aside that is the truth of it whether it’s palatable or not.

From what the OP has said he is free to work abroad for long periods of time whilst she is at home caring for the children solo. Her career could potentially suffer for it and puts her at a disadvantage because whilst he’s gaining money and experience whilst having the opportunity to travel she’s limited to being at home for the children. We see all the time how women end up divorced and unable to fledge a career because they’ve spent years being a SAHM or in poorly paid work for few hours that have to fit around being the main carer of their children. He must earn quite a substantial amount if he’s working abroad and can already afford to almost put one child through the entirety of private school and partially for the other. That is not a basic necessity. He’s not a poor little lamb in this scenario.

There is no evidence to suggest that he has limited access to the money that he earns or that any of his earnings are being withheld from him. She is legally entitled to half of his money because they are married. There is a difference between being abused and burying your head in the sand and refusing to take responsibility for your poor life choices. It’s insulting for victims of abuse to conflate the two. He didn’t have to marry her, he could have chosen to take a paternity test beforehand. As honourable as it was he didn’t have to take on the other child as his own and pay for her to go through private education. He shouldn’t expect just because he’s happy to take on said child as his own that his family must do the same. Again, it’s nice that they have but it’s not obligatory. He could have divorced her and still could but it’s quite clear that he doesn’t want to and his family are infantilising him so that he has learned he doesn’t have to take any responsibility or agency for his decisions.

He obviously knows that his wife has a huge problem with spending money and could easily access bank statements and credit reports he’s just chosen not to in order to avoid having a necessary but uncomfortable conversation with his wife.

Your lovely, lovely BIL is a total mug.

I think it’s quite warranted for OP to not like SIL, on the sole basis that she lied about being pregnant with another man’s child whilst wedding her brother. Not for any “sexist” reason you’re claiming.

Well, we only have the op's word for that Sil lying about being pg. perhaps the bil and Sil came to an agreement privately.

The OP didn't even know the SIL when she married her husbands brother. The OP met her husband 2 years after the SIL and BIL got married

What’s it got to do with OP?

I really wish it was a load of made up cobblers but sadly it is not. I have gambled with my inheritance money, money that my dad worked bloody hard to save and i hope to god i get back what i have already paid out.
I have decided that if they miss even one payment i will not be paying next years fee's.

The fuck are you paying NEXT year's fees as well for??! Christ alive this family really saw you coming.

It beggars belief, for sure.

With a 58k kitchen surely your ILs have enough equity in their house to look at using that to pay for schooling?

But it's a moot point if you've got a loan agreement and future promises to support. You just need stop moaning and crack on.

Why are you funding them, op? Why isn't your h? It's his brother.

It's all very odd.

I agree with this
He’s SUCH a cheeky bastard for asking you before even insisting she gets a job.
have they even changed one thing about their lives spending wise?? or do they have the same life but on your father’s dime?

And people posting saying the children can’t miss out on private schooling - why ever not. Private school children to the same GCSE and A Levels as state school children, they’d be absolutely fine.

Out of interest what are the kids like OP?? I know they’re only kids but if i were you I’d be loathe to fund an education if they were unpleasant or ungrateful

While I don't necessarily agree that OP should be paying the school fees I would say that leaving any school half way through GCSE's isn't easy. It might not have been possible for the child to do the same A Levels if they changed school.
There could be scheduling issues etc.

It is extremely unfair for these users to make that OP's problem.

Yes, it’s not op’s responsibility to pay for her nephews/nieces school fees.

Why are you also planning on paying next years fees?

If the BIL has had his kids in private school all their lives they should have a chat about financial difficulties and try and make a plan so they can complete exams even if they get into arrears.

The could also have made the SIL work, or got a remortgage or a loan from the bank.

But no they mugged the OP off and now she’s being guilted into the children’s education hinging on her.

As much as I stand by OP’s unreasonableness around her SIL I agree that she needs to speak up and the nanosecond they’re late with payments stop paying the school fees. Pisstakers get away with it because they take advantage of others often through guilt.

@Getonwitit what made your bil think that your dh would have enough spare cash to fund his childrens' education?? why did you need to put up the money from your inheritance and not your dh??