To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

It would be a huge deal for niece to move at the end of year 12 so I can see why op helped out

i hope you paid fees directly and I understand you wanting to help niece and nephew. It’s not helping her it’s helping them

Oh come on. He is an adult.

How did he not know they were in debt until they couldn’t pay the kids school fees?

She insisted they got married? He couldn’t say no?

You talk about him as though he lacks full mental capacity. Does he? If so who is his guardian?

Yes, she sounds like she is spending far too much money and you may have legitimate reasons to not like her. But the whole ‘he is a poor baby that has no agency’ suggests you are just very very biased.

Why aren’t you angry that he borrowed the money and agreed the terms then didn’t tell you she was going away?

@Getonwitit is there a repayment plan? If not, put together a loan agreement and insist they pay i instalments by standing order. And yes, ask BIL if he’s aware she’s away spending again and suggest that as they now have spare cash, they over-pay for a bit. If they don’t then he is as bad as she is. Don’t lend any more - up to them to stay in budget.

You're not. You're paying for the children's school fees.
Are you implying she's using the money for herself?

She kind of is though. If there's spare money for Christmas trips in Europe, it should be given back to OP instead.

I think you've fallen for a big pack of embellishments from your BIL and I suspect that the truth is nowhere near what is written in your OP.

Her behaviour sounds appalling, I’m not surprised that you are furious. I would only lend any further money for school fees if a legal loan agreement was drawn up and I paid the fees directly to the school.

Don't pay a penny more. Make it very clear why.

Your SIL hasn't stopped spending so the deal is off.

If it means no more private school then that's life. The kids can be told why.

Or perhaps they can sell the house and downside to pay the fees?

OP you made a bad decision, implemented in it an unenforceable way and now you are stuffed. Sorry but that's the whole story.

Presumably if you bil has the capacity to hold down a job he has the capacity to manage family finances. You can't really impose restrictions on someone else's lifestyle just because you don't approve. It's really up to your husband to sort out a repayment plan with your brother in law. That or write it off. Never a borrower nor a lender be.

They borrowed the money from. He didn't know what she was spending as she had taken out credit cards, lied about her income ( seemingly everyone does it) and spent a ridiculous amount on the new kitchen. It was only when he came home at the end of his contract without renewing it that she told him how much she had borrowed.

You are basically enabling a weak man and his grabby wife.
If you really want to make sure the children can continue at school pay fees direct to the school BUT if they are in deep financial trouble the kids may have to change school anyway.
They sounds like a nightmare but you can't control them even if it might be good for them, they are adults

Stop paying. You are enabling it as much as he is.

Great idea. There is a payment plan in place, first payment was made on the 1st of November. I know he will meet the payments but she is acting like she owes nothing .

But you can't control the behaviour of another adult. How she spends her time is absolutely nothing to do with you.

Being played for a fool springs to mind. Reply on her insta, stating that she needs pay her debts, before she indulges in such luxuries.

I understand your wanting to help the DC by paying their school fees. I can understand your rage as well. If BIL isn't aware of where his DW is, he needs to be told by DH. You need to get a payment plan in place as well.

Who sent you the screenshot? Sorry, if you've already answered that.

I lent him the money, not my Husband the money was an inheritance from my Dad that my Husband insists is mine and only mine. Yes i imposed terms after all i was the one doing the lending, she agreed to both of them.
I wouldn't have given her a penny but for the fact the children would have had to move school.

I think you need to separate two different issues in your mind although, obviously, I realise they are directly linked. You love your BIL and, presumably, your neice and nephew, and you don't want any of those three to suffer. It was very generous of you to support the children by paying for their school fees, and I am sure your BIL is very, very grateful. It sounds like your SIL is fundamentally selfish and I don't think stopping financial support for school fees will make her behave differently - all it will do is punish the children. So, issue 1 is to reconcile in your mind the fact that this money is 'spent'. And it has been spent on a good cause.

Issue 2 is the selfish SIL. The fact is, you can't insist anything. She is your BIL's problem. Although there's a remote possibility a friend has treated her to the holiday, I would tell your BIL it looks like she's living it large while you are paying for his mistake. See what he says before you make a decision. Are either of them paying you back in installments? At the very least, this is what I would expect. And I would expect your BIL to be paying you back and managing his wife's unemployment himself. You shouldn't be waiting on payments from her, as you know she's unreliable.

OP, YANBU for feeling the emotions that you have but YWBU not to pay the school fees.

You're paying the children's school fees and that feels generous and appropriate of you.

You're not responsible for anything else within that marriage.

I hope that the repayment plan is adhered to although I'm uncertain what reasonable sanctions are available to you if the payments are missed.

You agreed to pay their family fees (school) if BIL's wife got a job, but she hasn't? No you cannot insist she gets an evening job. You can however refuse to pay ongoing school fees. They're not your children and it's not up to you to pay them.

Screen shot was sent by one of my friends. My friend knows nothing of the loan, it was sent with a we should do this next year message.

You made an agreement with your BIL, she isn’t bound by that whatever the rights and wrongs of it all. It’s your BIL you need to be going after for repayment, if he wants his missus to contribute then that’s for him to sort out.

As long as they make the payments I would leave them to it. TBH I would look at paying the money directly to the school so she can't take your money and blow it on a trip to Japan or something like that.

I agree with you. She is a discrace enjoying holidays and her husband having to go to family for a loan. Spending thst much on a kitchen shows she has NO respect for her husband and how hard he had to work to earn that much money, I would certainly have a chat with BIL ASAP.

Wow you used your inheritance to pay for the school fees for the children of people who can’t manage money

That is madness. I hope any repayment plan you set up is legally binding but I am expecting that is not the case. What a waste of your inheritance

You're a bloody fool.