To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

She knew she was pg. She went out and found a potential partner and then "discovered" she was pg, so by that time she would've been about six weeks gone, so when the baby was born "early" she would've had to say it was prem.

It all sounds a bit convenient to me, but I suppose it's not impossible.

Maybe she assured him she was on the pill.

He sounds decent if he agreed to marry her right away. But it was a big leap for her as well as him - meet someone and get married less than three months later? Because of an unexpected pregnancy? Bloody hell.

What a horrible post.

Why on earth do you know so much about someone else's sex life? And why have you posted it on here? It's irrelevant to the money issue.

Eueueueueurrrghghgh.

The mystery of the young farmers New year's Eve bash..

@AnneLovesGilbert you don't need to be a farmer to be a young farmer.

You were very foolish to have lent them anything.

Id have to say something if it were me, and id stop with the school fees.

No idea as I wasn’t there.

She signed the agreement too.

Your BIL’s family planning is on him as much as it is in her, so is his choice to either accept her behaviour or not. You speak as though you are reacting a poor, defenceless child. He’s a grown man who sounds as useless as she is.

I understand why you wouldn't want your niece and nephew to be thrown out of school at such a crucial time, but the enabling has to stop. You can pay through fees directly to school and not a penny reaches their hands.

Hopefully your brother cuts her off too, so he can help the kids through uni etc, as the spendaholic won't stop while you're all feeding her habit.

Is this real? This is nuts. Why are men so stupid. Fair play to her if your BIL was that much of an idiot. Don’t give either of them any more money.

Jilly Cooper, is that you babe?

Ye it is legally binding, i wasn't parting with such a large sum without a legal agreement in place.

Why have you added in he was a virgin? Why is that relevant?

I just think the

"Young farmers new years eve bash" is such a funny name.

That's what drew me to this thread.

You are right, she knew she was pregnant. Nobody has been told who the father is, not even the child.

I know she is.

You can insist that the money is paid back beyond that I dont think that the inner workings of their family is up for you to control.

Just saying with the rising cost of living and bills you can't afford to pay the fees. Another way will have to be found by them. She won't change. There is no point you getting annoyed as you are wasting your energies on that. Recognise her for what she is - a chancer and possibly also a narcissist!

Good luck with 'insisting she gets a job'. You have no way of enforcing that condition. Your BIL has made choices and decisions as an adult. He didn't have to marry her immediately, he could have waited and asked for a DNA test first. You have a simple choice to make - pay for their education or don't. Personally I wouldn't - BIL needs to take responsibility for the choices he has made and continues to make, instead of getting you to bail him out. Stop paying the fees and if it means that the children have to change schools, so be it. It sounds like you're all blaming his wife, without acknowledging that he has a role to play in it too. Time for him to grow a pair and stop indulging his wife, which as long as you are paying school fees, he doesn't have to do.

Your BIL is a fool to put up with it and you are a bigger fool to lend them money.

I would write off the loan and cut contact with SIL altogether and BIL too.

I also agree with @C152. You’re helping out BIL and your niece and nephew.

BIL needs to consider his relationship, especially once the kids turn 18 and/or leave home, so won’t be quite so affected if their parents split up. You might need to support him with that as it sounds like he’s being financially abused.

Who spends £58k on a kitchen? Absolutely no need. You can buy entire homes for that. Would be very extravagant if she were working. But, to do so when not working by putting on credit cards is financially irresponsible.

Wow she's a right chancer.
It's time to encourage your BIL to end the madness.
If he won't he should chop or cancel up all the credit cards she's had access to, and give her a prepay one she can have an appropriate allowance on monthly, she can't be trusted with money to say the least.

While I would not have lent the money, you have.
Your condition was that she get “her first ever job”
Later you ask if YABU to demand she get a second job in the evening.

I think she’s actually lived up to her end of the bargain and if you insist on her having 2 jobs, you won’t ever see a penny in repayments.

You probably won’t anyway. Spenders who are addicted to spending don’t care how it affects even their own children. Paying the children’s school fees is more a gift to the children to compensate for having a shitty mum. You know she won’t care if you don’t pay the school fees - if she care about her kids she wouldn’t have racked up the debts.

BIL is in a tough position, personally I would be pursuing a divorce in his shoes.