To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

spending money non stop is no different than drinking, taking drugs or gambling. The individual has to want to stop before anything is done. Until that time she will continue on her merry way.

Sorry your BiL has to put up with her.

I think it is absolutely fucking outrageous that you were asked to pay their children's school fees with your own inheritance. Totally unacceptable.

She won't change and it will take you an awfully long time to get your money back. If at all. It won't be funded by her. Under no circumstances should you be paying any more.

BIL will find divorce very expensive. Can't you see the car crash down the road?!

This woman's spending is way out of control and there's no possibility that she will suddenly get it under control just because you've been kind enough to loan her money and have asked her to agree to certain conditions.
If you want to continue to support the children's education, then for goodness sake pay the fees directly yourself. Do it for them and for your BIL, not for her - it won't help her.
If you don't, the children will go to State schools and will do OK despite the disruption, though their grades may be a bit lower. But the state of their parent's marriage is more likely to impact them badly, and you can do nothing about that.

She’s not going to change. I think you were rather naive to lend this money as it’s just enabling her to continue living above her means.

how is your BIL realistically going to play catch up of paying you back plus paying the future school fees?

Her attitude shows you exactly what she wants and what she’s not prepared to change. I can’t imagine this marriage lasting and just hope your relationship with BIL survives if he then can’t reimburse you your money. Good luck.

“Are you implying she's using the money for herself?”

well yeah, @yehisaidit , since money is fungible that’s what it amounts to.

You've been kind, OP, some would say naive, I really hope you don’t end up losing out.

Stay out of it.

She sounds absolutely awful but getting involved is only going to push BIL away.

He will choose her every single time.

You don’t actually know that the trip wasn’t paid for by one of her friends and so I would keep quiet about it.

You cannot dictate what they can and can’t spend their money on.
But you can have a repayment plan and make sure they stick to it.

You can tell him that you think it’s unfair that you’re giving them your own money and she’s not even working, so you are literally paying for her to stay at home but be very careful to not speak too negatively about her to the BIL.

I would contact BiL to see if he could get an emergency flight home so that you, your DH and him and his wife can sit down and discuss this. Sit with the BiL and Chief Spendalot and say that you've noticed the following outgoings and you need to find out were they essential or not, because that will determine whether Child 1 and Child 2 get pulled out of their fee paying schools and get enrolled into the local non-fee paying school instead to see out their final years.

Be very factual and say that your arrangement did not include Chief Spendalot going overseas at all and that you're not going to be taken for a mug here. I'd also make sure that her credit cards are cut up and she doesn't have access to any other funds other than whatever is necessary for household essentials.

I'd make it VERY clear that NO MONEY, not a single penny will be sent to schools for fees until Chief Spendalot can rein in her spending habits. If this needs to be a weekly check in with her husband and with you (as you have skin in this game now) then those are the T's and C's for this arrangement. Get it signed off by the solicitor/accountant.

I can't imagine spending £58k on a kitchen. Jesus. I can't even imagine spending £8k on a kitchen. What the fuck has she got in that kitchen that the finish is as high as that????

I am totally missing the point but it's odd to me that your BIL was allowed to still attend Young Farmers over the age limit and that you know he was a virgin.
This post is very outing and quite humiliating for him if anyone recognises the scenario.

Bil needs to cut her off financially. He’s a mug. £58K on a kitchen?! Are the taps solid gold?! She’s obviously a cow, the sheer entitlement is obscene. Does she know it’s your money keeping her dc at the school?

Definitely never give them another penny.

She was already pregnant by a different man.

people hide debt. Of course they do.

But he was ending a contract and didn’t realise they would go from OK to not affording schools fees?

How is she lying about her income? He didn’t know she wasn’t working?

That must mean he was covering the debt? If him not having a new contract plunged them to the point of not being able to pay fees? she may have lied. I am not saying she is innocent. But he clearly had no clue about the finances as they were.

He had no savings?

And he definitely knew she was going away. Did he tell you? No. You had to find out from elsewhere.

Really as long as they pay it back then everything else is not your business. But he is an adult who is making choices. As is she. Bad choices. But they are still making active choices to remain how they are. He is an adult. If he chooses this life, that’s up to him. But it’s a choice.

I don’t understand why you aren’t angry at both of them.

Young Farmers Ha Ha there was always loads of shagging at the one near me

Oh my god

i mean if you stop paying the fees then it’s the kids that lose out. Not her

i would for sure say you might though….like right up till the last min. Make her sweat

This
I doubt if SIL is going to change and her behaviour at pretending her daughter was your BILs is the epitome of deceitfulness. I would be livid at her luxury weekends away.
For your peace of mind, I do think u need to address this with her.
Either way, there will be disharmony ahead

You chose to lend the money, you can’t dictate how it’s spent unless you paid the school fees directly.

You sound very spiteful towards SIL and like you idolise and baby your BIL. He’s a grown man, if he isn’t happy with the financial situation in his marriage then it’s his job to sort it out.

How do you know he’s telling the full truth and he might be contributing to their debt with his lifestyle too.

There’s never any point in lending money to people like your sil.
Your sil has a spending addiction.

My ex sil was just the same. Note Ex.
After my db divorced her he paid way over the necessary maintenance until the dc finished university.
When the youngest was due to begin university db wanted to give the maintenance directly to his ds. Ex sil said that if she didn’t get the maintenance herself then she wouldn’t allow her ds home at weekends.

The only thing you need be concerned about is that your loan is being paid back, which it is so far.

The rest of it is for your BIL to deal with.

Just because you lent them money, it doesn't mean that you can insert yourself into their lives and their spending, as long as the loan repayments are being made.

She sounds awful, but I imagine that you're being pretty selective with what you're telling us, or they wouldn't have been married for so long.

Ask people not to send you screenshots from SM, remove her from all your SM, and just check the money is in your account when it's due, it will save a lot of stress.

So is that why he didn't use contraception?

He obviously thought that the baby was his!

What ever you do op don't pay for the last year for dn. Bik and sil will have to figure that one out. They are a pair of pisstakers

It is very outing if accurate, but perhaps OP has already changed some details to make it less outing. Eg, not 58K on a kitchen but 42K on a bathroom; really met at Young Stockbrokers rather than Young Farmers.

I would stop the school fees and ask for my money to be paid back asap.

And never lend to someone I didn't fully trust and respect again. You've been very clear in your original post that you KNOW she's a user, liar and irresponsible with money. So why are you surprised when she lied, used you and continues to be irresponsible with money.

BIL is an adult and if people keep bailing her (and him) out of sticky situations they will continue to not face their issues. They need a massive wake up call. And yes the children will suffer. But that is the consequences of their actions and no one's fault or responsibility but theirs.

If you can't stomach withdrawing financial support then you will just need to grin and bear it. There is no point complaining about something that a) you could have predicted b) you are not willing to change

BIL needs legal advice so he can weigh whether or not a divorce would be worse (financially) than staying legally married. Surely the marriage itself is dead after this?

In his shoes I would keep my income to myself, pay for a place to live and the girls, and leave SIL to it. I don't think spouses are responsible for one another's credit card debt, legally.

That she has the gall to go to Christmas markets while owing you hundreds or thousands is beyond infuriating. He really needs to dump her.

Your money is yours to give. You can choose what to do with it. Just don't expect it back.

Their marriage is separate and nothing to do with you.

BIL was 29 at a young farmers bash?

I thought they were for younger people than that.