To hit the roof with SIL?

[Getonwitit]

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

They are both poor money managers and living a life beyond their means He has been her boy since they met and she continues to rule their roost Your money is likely gone No more loans or gifts let them sort out school fees…they probably will. You may be deeply annoyed by her pregnancy/ marriage entrapment refusal to work girls weekend lifestyle but you cannot DO anything about it Likely she will leave him if he tries to curb her spending or make her a contributing co head of household Save your self frustration and stay out of it And OP really did no one suggest a DNA test at DC birth? That scam is like out of 1950s You and DH are your own money managers and are no longer lenders And if course there is always some huge sob story so put in your teflon vest and say no

You’ve done a wonderful thing for your Niece and Nephew.

You wouldn’t have had to pay the school fees if their Mother was responsible but clearly she isn’t & you’ve avoided them paying the price for this with their education.

It is because of your generosity that your N&N will have stable schooling & be saved the impact of moving schools. You’ve most probably enhanced their futures.

You’ve also taken a huge emotional toll off your brother.

It is because of you that even if the Mum ruins her marriage and family, there will be an element of security & stability and certainty for the children’s future.

You can’t change or control people, not even with loans.

You’ve done a great thing so don’t ruin it with retribution. It’s not the kids fault and they deserve your help.

What a stupid stupid thing for you ti have done. The children have to be paid for by their parents for school or they leave and go state school. This is your own fault as you know precisely what she was like. She took the money knowing it will not be paid back unless you take them to court.

Your BIL should never have asked this iof you. They need to cut their cloth according to their means. I have a spender like this in my family who now is out with the begging bowl, so I know the score on this. A user is a user and you have been scammed.

You are obviously a decent person, and you lent them money because you care about your BIL. However, I agree with other posters that you were naive to do so. He has been (and is still being) a fool, and you can’t allow him to drag you down as well.

One thing I have learned in life is that people don’t change. If someone is no good, they are no good. Unfortunately, horrible, vile, toxic people, like your SIL, tend to be excellent manipulators. They are great at getting what they want and getting people to do what they want. It’s almost spooky.

BIL is a mug. It's not for you to deal with his poor choices

It is ridiculous but as long as they are paying back the cash i would be relieved.

Sil sounds like an irresponsible nightmare. I would support bil to realise he doesnt need to put up with this but otherwise it is outwith your control.

Either way dont rock the boat and get your money back as fast as they can manage.

You are so right and the voice of reason. I really couldn't stop the school fees as that would hurt the children so so much. I am furious with her as she signed the loan agreement and it meant my BIL had to go back overseas to work, something he hadn't wanted to do as his daughter should soon be off to Uni and he wanted time with her.
Yes my SIL is selfish and i must accept that.

That’s absolutely insane

Why are you fixing what your bil isn't able to? Why can't he chop up her credit cards?

This seems a very outing post @Getonwitit

You have hit the nail on the head.

Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night

How do you know all this 😭

@Getonwitit you need to be clear with both of them that the money was sent to cover an emergency. Paying you back has to be the first priority over any further borrowing unless they are consolidating in order to pay you.

He didn't have to have sex with her when he just met her. Did he.

yes you can stop the school fees, you're choosing not to. they can choose to find the money if they want to, and if they have to go to state school then so what, it's not like you're paying for life threatening medical care.

one of the children isn't even related to you. if you wouldn't pay for a random stranger to attend a private school, then don't pay this.

Sorry op, I’m struggling to focus on anything other than 58K ON A KITCHEN???

wtf was it made from?? Solid gold? Do unicorn tears run from the taps? Does it come equipped with a thousand pixies to clean up after her??

People can open credit cards without their spouse knowing about it. At least the BIL may have some idea of his wife's spending. If she starts hiding it that is when the trouble can really start.

You're saying BIL had sex with her her but it was her fault she got pregnant.

Right.....

OP, your anger at your SIL is partly misdirected at yourself for being so stupid.

Your BIL and SIL are a pair of adults, together. With joint responsibilities.

I hope you get your loan back. Don’t lend more.

She was already pregnant, the first child is not his. She rushed him in to marriage saying she was pregnant. That’s fucking fraud.

I wouldn't have given her a penny but for the fact the children would have had to move school

If they continue to mess up (and it seems there's nothing to stop them) the children will have to move school anyway - unless you're prepared to continue this farce right through school and the Uni years as well?

Really, though, I'm hoping you'll say this is some sort of joke ...

Nothing good ever starts at a young farmer's NYE bash!

This is true.

You are completely facilitating her being a lazy cnt. You stop doing this immediately and then she can start to act like a somewhat competent human. Or her kids go without. But that is not your problem.

Your BIL may be 'nice' but he is a weak fool. It is not your job to mop up his mess because he doesn't know how to control his wife's spending. Do not pay any more of the school fees. They are emotionally blackmailing you. BIL should be ashamed of begging off you.