To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

I keep both my doors locked.. l take the key out in case my daughters need to get in ( they have a spare key).. l didn't use to.. but I've had delivery drivers open the doors and leave parcels inside when I've been upstairs.. l once had a takeaway driver just open door and come in..

I’m in your camp OP. I grew up in a village and we never locked doors when we were in during the day.
These days the front door is always locked but the car and side doors are not. We go in and out of the house frequently. I would find your husbands behaviour absolutely suffocating . The business around checking the drop off went ok is bonkers and I would stop humouring him. You are a competent adult and he should assume that all is fine unless you contact him to say there was an issue which you need help with. This would honestly be a deal breaker for me

I think it's the conversation that i find infantalizing!

"Wife, the backdoor wasn't locked when I came home. Did you go into the garden for something while I was out?"

"Yes husband, I needed to put the rubbish in the outside bin"

"Ah ok. Understood. But do make sure you lock it again"

"Oh I popping in and out the garden doing stuff really - and it was only unlocked for a short while and i was literally there the whole time"

"Please wife, make sure you lock the door each and every time"

If you wouldn't feel like a child in that interaction - then you're a better woman than me.

My front door is always locked- but that's because my dog can open it from inside when it isn't! I've had to train to children to do this when they leave and come home.

Back door is generally unlocked when we're home and I leave back door open in summer when we are home as I like the breeze coming in. I'd find it weird to keep locking the door to the garden in summer when people are using it through the day.

I should add we are rural so it isn't busy and all the neighbours would likely notice a stranger.

Went not get one of these? It'll lock automatically when he shuts the door but is easy to open for you and doesn't need a key.

brass-works.co.uk/era-1730-40-1-british-standard-keyless-egress-nightlatch-door-lock-60mm-satin-nickel.html

I think it depends on the area you live in and where the doors open onto. Front door locked as opening on pavement is logical.
Growing up we had to lock any outside door, even if just going upstairs. The back door went into the garden but the (long) garden backed into a rough lane for garage access. Lots of criminal activity over the years!
My parents now live in a mixed neighborhood but always lock front door for safety. Opens onto a small front garden but lots of people about and others in the area have reported random people walking in.
Where I now live is pretty safe and I do get a bit blasé about locking up doors. And there are a lot!
DH always checks doors last thing at night.
Think your DH is being a little over the top - particularly in summer when it's lovely having doors open!

Ours is always locked. Not the back door as nobody can enter the garden without going though one of the front doors. But still only unlocked if constant in and out.

I left the front door unlocked once as the children had been in and out. I was sat at my desk I could see the front door. A random man just came strolling straight in. We lock the doors. Dh has just gone out. His locked the door behind him. Much better to be in a routine of always locking than forget and void your insurance if someone comes I.

Our back doors are unlocked in the summer. You are right OP, kids are running in and out and keeping the back door locked is not practical.

I don't think I have ever heard of a family being burgled whilst the family were clearly in the house and moving about inside it, unless the thief was a con artist but locked doors don't protect against them anyway. So his fear of being burgled in this instance is not reasonable.

He sounds really anxious and unable to discern between reasonable anxiety and not. I would not take kindly to be hounded at work to reply to a message asking if the drop off was ok. There is absolutely no reason to think it was anything other than fine. I would expect him to learn to manage his anxious feelings around this, rather than feed it by phoning me every day for reassurance.

Is he autistic? Some autistic people have elevated anxiety.

I'm surprised by this thread. My back door to the garden is always unlocked during the day, but the back gate is locked. I'd hate to be locked in by someone else. Im an adult and capable of making my own decisions.

Start throwing it back on him OP. When he asks why it's unlocked, say it's because you needed to go through it. End of conversation. If he says he doesn't like it unlocked then do what he does and tell him that's his issue.

With regard to the drop offs, just reply with a 👍

I agree with a pp. Don't let him drag you into his anxiety.

It's a habit. I am not anxious but I am in habit of locking behind me in or out no matter whether someone is home or not. DH got into it later too. Tbf we don't leave by back door but as soon as we get in the door get locked.
Basically all lockable door are lock behind me. 🙈

My neighbour had her handbag stolen from off her kitchen table because her side door was unlocked and a random opportunist came in and took it. We always lock our doors now as we never used to whilst home.

It may seem dramatic to some to always lock the door, but this comes under the subject of ‘it’s alright leaving it unlocked, until suddenly it isn’t’. We know life is made up of very random things, it only takes a series of events out of your control to place someone in your area who is not up to anything good, things we see on the news have to happen to someone, we are not main characters out of the reach of danger. You say why lock it because you and your child are sitting there, well as rare as it might be, one day you could be sitting there and someone with a weapon is looking for an opportunity, the door being unlocked could be the difference between you going on as normal or you ending up a statistic of violence or murder, it happens and why not to you, just let him lock the door, and if you really want to, then just unlock it, but the world is full of chancers who try doors to see if they are open!

No it's not!
It takes only the once for a mescreant to invade your home and you'll never be the same again.
Be proactive.

I have a friend who locks her doors " to keep out mice and rats!"

I don't think this is normal or healthy behaviour from him, no.

See my post above then where this actually did happen

Dh locks the front door once he's left for work and I'm still in bed.
Front door is usually unlocked during the day when someone is home.
Back door is always locked out of habit.
The parcel people usually open the front door and leave parcels in the porch. I'm ok with that.

I think after your last update I would be shouting at him. You are an adult and absolutely do not have to answer to him.
You have a locked garden gate, he needs to explain what he thinks will happen if you leave the door unlocked.

Yes a grandparent had that happen. Came in via the back gate, opened the side door, opened the kitchen door took the handbag and phone that was on charge next to it. Didn’t hear a peep. Nobody noticed till she wanted her phone.

Balance is required. My daughter was in her kitchen on a sunny day with an unlocked door and in walked a chap and took her purse, opened it removing cash and cards and walked out. She wishes she'd locked the door.

I always lock my door. I had a bloke walk in the back door once, off his head and ranting about blood all over him. Turned out to be a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy in the end as he tried to grab my wrist and my dog went for him. Took a good couple of chunks out of his arm and chin before he backed off. Was terrifying.

Our back door is always unlocked when we're home - in summer, it's even wide open during the day

But I don't think it's the door that's the issue - he doesn't even trust you to take your own kids to school - he sounds like a right dick.

I’m with you OP. I hate feeling locked in. I also used to hate when exDP and I were together, and I’d come home to the door locked, and the key IN the lock, so I had to knock on the door to be let in. Used to make me so upset- partly because I’d moved into his house when we moved in together, and it made me feel like an eternal guest.

You are a slave to his anxiety and that isn’t fair - I remember being obsessed with making sure the back door was locked when I was younger but the truth is if someone wants to get into your house when you are in (and it obviously should be locked when you are out) then locking the back door isn’t going to stop it. Bit the chances of that are miniscule.

He needs some help as how on Earth is he going to cope as kids get older and walk home by themselves go to the park by himslef

We have a slam lock so no option really but don't think I locked the door we had previously in the day when we were in...
The constant need for reassurance would annoy me more I think.