To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

Me and my husband usually say "Shall I lock you in?" if we out in the evening. We have always answered yes as we are home with the kids and it saves us the job of doing it. If it bothers you, maybe he could ask you as he is leaving and then you have the choice.

Having to text after every drop off would grate on me too, I have to say, he is obviously quite anxious about the safety of everyone. I'd there some passed event that has made him overly fearful?

If your DH has genuine OCD about it then it requires treatment. Not expecting him to simply stop.

Our doors are always locked, and we even lock our side gate to the garden. I don't lock the back door if only going out to put the washing out but if I'm out there gardening I'll lock it. As soon as we come in from the outside, we lock the door behind us. Doesn't seem over the top nor unreasonable to me. But then again, both DH and I are on the same page with it, so there's no "friction" between us.

As the gate is locked, he is being unreasonable.

It reads as stifling and I am security conscious as I live in a busy urban setting

The thing is, it's perfectly safe...until it's not.

I genuinely don't understand why you would NOT lock your door.

Unless your garden is a vast country estate, you don't need to be locking children out. It's more of an issue to leave it open when you're upstairs or something. Opportunistic thieves aren't uncommon.

I didn't use to because it's quiet round here but after a spate of robberies in the wider area the police put loads of messages on SM telling people to make sure they locked their doors if they were in. - that's the main way opportunistic burglars get in. They are usually looking for car keys and cash. In our area people were in their houses when the burglars came in.
My sister was burgled from her back garden which has no access at all except from the house- they climbed over the v high fence.

Its unlikely to happen to you but that's through chance or luck not because your house is safer than anyone else. Best practice is lock the door and take key out of the lock.

Now this is the line for me. It's summer and it's being used!

I think locking the door behind you is fine if it's a dreary day and you're just watching telly, but to question why it's unlocked would really irritate me after a while.

I can see why it grates on you.

I live in what would be considered a very safe area. Last week, not far from us, masked men walked into a family's house at about 9.30 in the evening. The family members were manhandled into an upstairs room, while the men ransacked the house. They walked in through the unlocked front door, bold as brass. Probably tried a few other door handles before they found one that was open. DP has always insisted that our front door is locked at all times and I've always been a bit meh, nothing ever happens round here. I'm definitely a lot less casual about it now.

I'm ex police, and because of that, whether l'm in or not, the doors are locked. The keys are in them, on the inside, of course, but they're locked.
The only time they're not locked is if l nip out to the car, the bin, or the garden.
I've processed too many crime reports where the doors were left unlocked.
Even if you're in the house, if the doors are open, there are opportunists. Especially at this time of year.

I grew up in an Australian house where the door didn’t even have a lock. English DH husband wants to live in Fort Knox. We live close to Fort Knox, sadly.

You should not be locked in. Safety issue. As well as respect issue.

We had a drunk total stranger stagger through our kitchen door when 11 year old dd was alone in the kitchen and sat at the table blathering about leaving his mobile phone here earlier. I don't know where he came from and he was obviously too drunk to recognise that he was at the wrong house. It took an age to shepherd him out of the door.

Always keep the doors locked ever since.

OP isn’t locked in. She said she can easily unlock the doors herself from the inside.

My DH could never understand why I hated that he used to park his car behind mine so I couldn't get out of the drive without having to ask him to move his car (yes I could have moved it or used it, but then that creates a whole new set of fuss pot problems about moving seats and mirrors as he is a foot taller than me).
It felt like I was trapped in and couldn't be spontaneous. I had the drive widened as soon as I had the money.
I think there's something going on subconsciously and it's got far, far worse since we retired.

Edited to add, so basically I am saying I agree with you OP. It's restricting and slightly controlling.

Exactly this.

I know someone who was seriously sexually assaulted in her own home mid morning. They just followed her into her house because she didn’t lock the door behind her.

I will never understand why people lock the doors when all that’s in the house is “stuff”but when there are precious family members inside, they don’t bother

Surely people are more important than possessions?

I was going to say YABU but I dont think its that clear cut - first off, do you lock it if you went to the loo or elsewhere in the house? Im sure you dont spend all day sitting in one room?

However if I were going in and out to the garden doing jobs then no I wouldnt lock the door each time. And no i wouldnt like to be spoken down to by anyone, or for it to be assumed that I will take on someone elses anxiety behaviours.

Could you add a yale lock to the garden gate to add a bit more security? And leave a spare key on a hook by the back door so you dont have to go rummaging when dh locks you in!

No problem if keys are left in the lock inside. That's what we do.

OK. Here is another one to check whether I'm being way too relaxed.

He doesnt want us to put presents under the tree as the tree is visible from a window that looks onto a (quiet village) street.

I have been thinking this is ridiculous but maybe I'm in the minority again! Ha!

The school msg every day would really piss me off.
I'd be tempted by 'you drop them off'
Or 'going forward don't send that. IF there is a problem I am capable of letting you know '
WRT to door. He needs to know he can't police what you're doing when he's not in, nor chastise you for it. As an adult you have your own freedom to choose.
Are there other things that he feels anxious about?

Why wouldn't you lock your doors? Why would you risk your security and safety in this way? Which insurer do you use which allows you to keep your property unlocked and still provides cover?

Your DH's anxiety is a separate issue, although if I was with someone who had a slack attitude to risk and security, I'd probably be anxious too.

I've just read the OP's posts and skimmed some of the others, it seems that many people feel the same as the OP's husband and I find that almost impossible to understand so I know how you feel @LotteryFights

One thing confusing me with some people's posts: when I shut my front door, it's locked. I don't have to touch it, pulling it to will close it and that's it, locked, no choice. Our 2 back doors need a key turned in them to lock them, but our garden gate is padlocked all the time. If I was downstairs in the house, one of the back doors would be unlocked all the time to let dog in and out, go to bin etc. Sounds similar to OP's set up?

Final thought, ex-H used to keep the key in the back of the front door all the time, this effectively meant if you went outside and shut the door, you'd have no way of getting back in, even if you had a key. Cost him £140 in emergency locksmith the other week. I went round to visit this week (house being sold) and he still had the key in the back of the door. Later that day during the visit I tried to let the dog out and again, he'd locked all the back doors. As Ex-H was/is controlling, I assumed it was all part of that mindset, and possibly weaponising "anxiety"?

He is massively too anxious for the life you are leading and its going to either make the children anxious too or they will end up somewhat contemptuous of his eccentric quirks and weird demands.

If your curtains will be open so people can see in then Absolutely do not put them under the tree till the last minute.

Is the garden gate locked? Our back garden is secure, or as secure as it can be, so the back door and side door are usually unlocked when we’re all at home in summer because we’re in and out of the garden. We have bifolds so sometimes the whole back of the house is open all day.

I would have thought that locking the front door and garden gate would be a reasonable security measure. But it might be dependent on the neighbourhood, crime rate etc.

As to the morning safety check, would it be possible to have a conversation about how he would be the first to know if there’s a problem. (I have DH as an ICE contact on my home screen and my number is in his wallet). If he hasn’t heard he should assume all is well.

It’s very important with anxiety to consider sensibly and kindly what’s reasonable and then draw the line. There’s a point where support becomes enabling.

But there’s also a point where anxiety turned into control and that’s a form of abuse, regardless of the reasons behind it.

what happens if you don’t take his calls? Are you ever scared of him?