To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

I agree he’s OTT about checking in all the time but always lock your doors OP 😜

Our front door has a Yale lock so is always locked but in the summer the back doors to the garden are open all day, in fact on warm days the doors themselves are often wide open as well. Our garden is completely enclosed though.

I grew up in the back of beyond where there's no crime and there everyone leaves their doors open all the time (and leave car keys in the car).

We don’t lock our doors unless we are out. But we have a dog that would bark if anyone entered. I like family/friends to be able to let themselves in.

He sounds like a very anxious person which he deals with by having rituals about checking repeatedly that things are OK. If you are finding it hard to live with you might suggest he reads up about OCD and similar, and look for ways of managing his anxiety without you feeling suffocated.

I would get one of those locks that is on a catch so it just locks when door is shut but you can still open without key from inside.

that means you can lock it more securely at night /if you are going away.

there are loads of cases of people having their car keys /handback nicked in the scenario you describe in broad day light. Person pops in grabs valuables left on kitchen table and are out again before you’ve even clocked the doors been opened. It’s all very well you saying you are only a metre away from that door so this wouldn’t happen but are you really? You never pop to the loo or upstairs to sort something out?

We always lock the door, don’t know why you wouldn’t? I would change the lock to one of those that you can unlock from the inside without a key though.

The constant texting is a bit much though.

The repeated phone calls during meeting would piss me right off. But the rest... locking the door seems pretty normal, and the "drop off on?" message seems harmless.

The door thing wouldn't bother me but the texts about drop off would absolutely annoy me.

I'd be telling him that unless you message to say there has been a problem at drop off then he has to take it that everything is fine!

I think it’s very reasonable and sensible to make sure doors are locked when children are in the house. You just never know and it’s not worth the risk. Dangerous things do happen - burglaries, incels with shotguns trying doors, lunatics looking to hurt someone, even an overzealous Jehovah’s Witness. When I moved into my new house a balliff for the previous occupants turned up and tried my front and back door, I absolutely shit myself. If either had been unlocked and he came in I think my kids would have had a heart attack

I just think why wouldn’t you want to lock the door??

My DH also texts asking if drop off was ok but I see that as were there any problems (kids go through it now and again after all) rather than “are you dead”.

It's normal for us to lock doors.

With the door thing, if it's possible I'd suggest swapping to a lock which locks with a key from outside but unlocks with a turn thing rather than needing a key. That way he is just locking door as normal and you'll feel less like you're locked in, I think. I actually have a bit of anxiety and I actually don't like doors that you need a key for inside as if the key goes astray I'd feel trapped!

The issue isn't the door though. It's the general level of anxiety/catastrophising about every day life things (i.e. arriving at routine things safely), which he really needs to address.

We have a split spindle on our doors. They can be opened as normal from the inside but can only be opened with a key from the outside. Gives security with the advantage that people inside can exit quickly in the event of an emergency.

My view on this is slightly different @GaspingGekko .
I always lock my doors but ensure key is removed from lock as if I'm in difficulty for any reason eg. fallen and can't get up or taken ill, no-one who has a key to my house would be able to get in if my key is still sitting in the lock.
All keys though, have their specific "home" near the door/window, so are quickly accessible in the event, God forbid, of a fire.

I would stop letting his anxiety control your life. Yes it's sensible to keep doors locked but not if you're actually there and the kids can't access the street.
He needs help either therapy or medication. I absolutely would not be answering his calls while working that's insane.

@LotteryFights you are going to get lots of comments from people who think that those of us who don't lock ourselves into our houses at all times are completely unhinged. Everyone's home and living circumstances are different and we don't lock our front door either apart from when we go to bed at night, we are at the end of a quiet cul de sac, the door doesn't open right onto the street, it's perfectly safe.

Anyway, it seems this is a symptom in your partner of a wider issue around anxiety and worrying about you "managing" everyday events like the school run. It's really not normal to message your other half every day to make sure they managed to drop off the kids without incident. When he comes home and berates you for not locking the side/back door, just ignore him. Don't engage and try to justify it to him.

I live alone and all I have to say is, ‘safety first’

As long as you’re not actually locked in, I don’t really see an issue?!

One of those cases of ridiculous MN diagnosis. No, locking the door when going out is not a symptom of OCD, as many people here have said.

Friend had their handbag and laptop pinched with an unlocked back door - and their garden is surrounded by other houses and a 6' fence, in a low crime area. They were upstairs less than 5 minutes which gave the opportunity.
They'd just come in from the garden and reckoned the person must have seen them go in leaving the door unlocked.

I'd compromise and get a locking/handle mechanism that has a thumb turn on the inside. When you pull it closed from outside the lock engages so no one can get it, but all you have to do is turn the thumb lock to get out. Standard fire safety advice these days anyway.

You would need a key to get back in from outside, but that's ok. If you are home alone/with kids then it's good practise to close the door which then locks automatically. Plenty of people have been burgled or worse when the back door is left open while someone goes to the loo/goes upstairs/answers the front door (which can be a burgling distraction tactic)

Just common sense really.

But there is more to this than you're saying I reckon regarding DH fear and worry.

I keep my only door locked, but if I'm in the garden, it will not be locked and may even be slightly open. Small garden, I'm not far away and would notice anyone coming.

It sounds like your husband is quite anxious, but also quite controlling. The insisting on updates after the school dropoff would annoy me, and not letting kids run in and out of the back yard is just wierd.

Be careful with this, as it could morph into something more sinister. Maybe discuss it, and how you feel, with him, and try to find out why he's so worried?

I don’t think either of you is unreasonable.

My DH grew up in a rough neighbourhood where a gang member on the run could easily just barge into an unlocked home to hide out from rival gang members or the police. So he always locks all the doors as habit coming in and going out. He won’t even open a downstairs window enough for anyone to pull open and climb in.

I grew up rurally where locking doors wasn’t a priority. So this constant locking of doors irritated me a lot. I see myself in your description of going to the garden and finding the back door locked (grr) or coming in the house and realising you forgot something in the car and the front door is already locked.

However, we live in a housing estate and while it isn’t a rough area, I do think my irritation is easier to manage than my DH’s worry for safety given the environment he grew up in.

I'm with you, OP. My partner used to lock us in if leaving for work before I was up. Drove me nuts until I told him to stop. Think it was more out of habit.

I'm just not into the habit of locking doors from the inside as grew up with, and my first house had, front doors with Yale locks so they locked when you closed them.

No, locking the door when going out is not a symptom of OCD, as many people here have said.

Um, nobody said it was. Certainly not me if you're referring to my posts. Read them again if you can be arsed.

And what's your plan if someone comes in? It's basic security lock your outside doors 🤷‍♀️

I live in a safe place but you don't give people opportunities. Your attitude would annoy me as it is quite possible you will leave the house with the door unlocked at some time, invalidating any insurance claim.

Surely this is a onetime only conversation when fe has asked "why is the door unlocked." - because you are comfortable with that arrangement. He should not need to ask the same question on every occasion nor should you entertain it. I am also comfortable with unlocked doors, but if it makes him comfortable to lock it when he leaves that's fine - I would unlock it later in the day when I wanted to go through it. The other messages every day - perhaps he should accept that no news is good news.

The only time our doors are locked is when we are either all out or in bed.

But then I a) live in a pretty safe part of the UK where daytime burglaries are rare and b) have a big dog and any stranger walking into our house uninvited is likely to lose body parts.

I do hope all those who keep all their doors and windows locked when they are home leave the keys in the back of the lock..... it's a HUGE fire safety risk if you don't.

My doors are unlocked during the day and only get locked before I go to bed. There is always someone in and the dog too. Never had an unwanted visitor in 27 years in the same house.