To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

@HowcanIhelp123 .you put a work bag on the back seat to ensure you remember your kid is also in the back? Is forgetting the work bag not more likely than forgetting the kid?

This

I hate having the door locked and no key in the door.

Sounds unbearable, op.It’s not really about whether people should do X or Y but his complete disregard for how you feel about him imposing his way on you.

I really couldn't live with that level of control. I would not answer the 'phone to someone checking up on the school drop off, I would hold the door open rather than let him lock it, or tell him not to lock the door as he leaves.

User name checks out...I'd suggest a GP for that crippling anxiety and perhaps a sense of perspective.

This would drive me nuts op. I live in a quiet village and the only time I lock my front door is if I'm going out for a longish period. I'll nip to the shops and not lock my door and wouldn't even consider locking it whilst at home in the day. We lock both doors at night but back door is unlocked all day and often open in the summer. I work in the front room so in theory someone could come in my gate and into my kitchen without me knowing, but it's pretty bloody unlikely so I'd rather not stress about it.

I grew up in a similar household - in fact I think the only time my mum locked the door was when we went on holiday - and couldn't live with the level of fear and anxiety some of you do (& have a whole new level of appreciation for where I live)

It isn’t and you need to push back on this - living with anxiety is hard and he will make the kids anxious and take it from me that is hard

you can live by letting anxiety and fear dictate your life, you can’t live by what might happen

@HowcanIhelp123 woth respect your anxiety levels and coping mechanisms do not sound normal

I would absolutely hate this OP. How dare he make a gesture that implies he thinks you belong inside.

Have you ever tried saying you will no longer respond to his text inquiries about the school drop-off, and he must just assume it was fine unless you tell him otherwise?

<sigh> are you me @LotteryFights

ha ha ha

i live at the end of a 200M drive in the middle of chuffing nowhere, automated gates and cc-CHUFFING-tv covers the drive

The numbers of times I pop to the shops or whatever and come back and the fucking back door is locked. Does my bloody head in.

yanbu.

Don't be so sure.

Have you seen any police chasing suspects?? These kids/young men go through gardens quicker than Peter Rabbit & his pals.

years ago I was looking after a child & his parents had this ridiculous system of going in one door, but out the other. Anyway I forget all the details but I couldn't unlock the front door (after going to some activity) but hoped the back door would be ok, but the gate was locked (🙄🙄) anyway, the baby was crying for his lunch, parents miles away... but this young bloke pulled up in a van & I asked if he could do me a favour & explained. He said no problem & I thought he must have a ladder/steps etc but no he just leapt at the fence, one hand on top & over (it was very hot actually. Impressive) seconds!!

That would drive me insane! Actually it wouldn't because I wouldn't put up with it!!

having the back door unlocked when you're in & out of the back garden is normal! Of course you and the kids are in & out and as long as the garden is secure so they can't get out into the side risd then no I wouldn't lock the back door.

when you're actually in the snug there is NO NEED to infantilise you & lock the door. FGS. It would be different if you were in a front room & he was going out the back.

my front door opens into the living area of the house and it's actually physically open from the minute I'm up until the minute I go to bed (in summer) or get too cold (in winter). I shut it when I go in the shower or when I'm spending time in one of the bedrooms, but not if I'm in & out of the other rooms.

So nobody here leaves the back door unlocked/open while their kids are in the garden? Seriously? That's what it's boiling down to here. OP and the kids are in and out, but her husband wants the back door locked at all times. That's ridiculous! Maybe I should have told off my friend when I was staying there in the summer as her back door was left wide open all day for air flow.

It’s something they actually recommend in hot countries / America due to the fact a lot of children get forgotten in the back of the car, parent on auto pilot to work. A lot get lucky and just need treatment for heat and dehydration issues.

Others as we see online die because mum normally drops off and today was dad and he forgot, or mum was in a rush baby was asleep so silent and forgot, or the other parent loaded the child in and the driving parent forgot it was their turn to drop off.

Where as grabbing your handbag or work laptop or whatever is something that even if you forget you’ll need during the day and go back for. Where as if you’ve forgotten your kid unless daycare calls you won’t release till you go to collect your child and by then it can be far too late.

If he goes for a walk, OP leaves door unlocked, someone steals the car keys near the door and makes off with his car - insurance won't cover it as door unlocked.

I HAVE NOT said that locking or unlocking the doors isn't an issue, but the mistake is hers to make as an adult.
His job isn't to scold her like a child. In her shoes i'd be doing it to annoy him.

The door locking is a distraction - his behaviour and anxiety is the issue.

ETA: if it is summer, your kids are in the garden and you are in and out hanging out washing and taking out drinks etc etc, the liklihood of an opportunist thief getting in and nicking your microwave are quite low. Never zero but so bloody low as to make it batshit to lock the door.

Also: kids in garden, door locked. Kid gets caught up in the hose and is being strangled - and you are losing seconds unlocking the door? (that will give those with anxiety something else to worry about so sorry for that but really. Some of these replies are batshit)

We are all adults and we must be allowed to manage our own risk. And for sure, in a lot of places (unfortunately) locking the door is a necessary precaution. But treating your wife like a child and nagging her because of your own anxiety? not an adult move.

you're going to tell me i'm being dramatic - but the back door is small bifold doors and goes from the snug/kitchen diner onto the garden. So i'm sitting at the table in the snug which is in touching distance from the door and looking at my husband the other side of the glass - locking each lock, smiling at me. I find it genuinely disconcerting. I have told him not to do it - but there is always a reason - it's windy today, it's easier for him to do it, it's not a big deal etc.

@LotteryFights I have followed your thread as I am in much the same boat. Now he has moved into the realm of creepy. Now I would be thinking of my own next move.

It’s getting pretty horrible now.

That’s gross, creepy and controlling behaviour. If he doesn’t respect your wishes, or make plans to tackle his anxiety if that’s what is driving it, plan to leave him.

I have had another read. Would it now be him deliberately upsetting you (and he knows because you have told him more than once) but now he is taking active pleasure in rubbing your face in it?

If so, umm, that’s getting pretty horrible in a relationship.

How are things generally, op? Is it just this issue or others?

What would happen if you wrenched the keys from his hands and shouted at him to go and to leave you the fuck alone?

How would he react? Would he be shocked? Is he trying to provoke a confrontation? Is it a power struggle?

Yeah that gives creepy hostage type vibes tbh

i would unlock it as soon as he steps away. Smiling at him while you do it

Sounds like he has OCD

I lock all doors. Especially when I’m home alone. When we moved into our current house if the front door wasn’t locked it could just be opened by anyone. We had the adjustment made so it needs a key to open even if it isn’t locked. It isn’t technically locked it’s just latch (ie wouldn’t be covered by insurance if someone forced it) but door cant just be opened randomly. That’s ok for when we are in (we would get alerted by Ring if someone at front door) but we do all lock if everyone out. We also replaced our outdoor lights with Ring lights.

However, your DH does sound like he has a high anxiety levels on keeping his family safe. The ringing you with drop off etc is crossing the line from anxiety to controlling. Maybe just text more often to reassure him. But if it continues he could do with some help.