To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

You have to perform risk assessment. High, medium or low. If high take all precautions. If medium you may also want to take all precautions. If low, do not be influenced into paranoia by those at high risk.

Precautions can be rational or irrational. Rational precautions are common sense. There is a real risk. It makes sense.

Irrational precautions where there is no real risk or where it is rare lead to paranoia and unsubstantiated fear of the unlikely that can curtail freedoms far more than rational action to reduce risk.

I have to lock my doors at all times because of risk, I can't drive because of risk, I can't fly because of risk, I can't use pubic transport because of risk.

But I expect that there is containment. That those who lock doors at all times and don't put out presents til Christmas Eve still drive, take public transport or fly despite the risk being higher.

Just take driving. We don't have threads with cautionary tales. Or cycling. A woman with children at the same primary school as my DC was hit and killed. These risks are either less or no more random.

I'm at home and have both front and back doors unlocked. They will stay unlocked until I go to bed.

Sometimes if I'm in the back garden I will lock the front door.

It's a small house so if I'm in the house I will hear if someone comes in.

The car is also unlocked.

I agree OP. Your husband's behaviour would make me feel stilted and watched over. Would really annoy and irritate me big time

It’s hard to accommodate someone’s anxieties when they become excessive and restrictive but locking the door when you’re home is a good habit I feel. We had quite a few scenarios locally last Christmas where people walked into homes whilst people were home, and took car keys/ handbags from the hallway. Once in aware of when a teen was home alone.

YANBU. I do always lock my front door out of habit but I leave my kitchen door into the back garden open often (not unlocked, physically open), even in winter, while I’m in other rooms or the shower or whatever. I like the air to circulate it and always double check it’s locked before going to bed.

What good is hearing someone come in? All that means is you know they're there. Doesn't stop them overpowering you, hurting you, hurting anyone else in the house. Or are you some all powerful jedi-master? 🤣

I’m with you, OP. Sounds like part of his anxiety. FWIW I’d hate to be a house that had been locked from the outside- if I lock the door from inside I know the key is right there, but if you’re being locked in, the key could be anywhere. Seems quite unsafe if you needed to get out in a hurry.

Having the back door to a secure garden open is completely normal.

I had an intruder 11 years ago and always keep the doors locked unless I'm going through them.

I would find it really odd to live with someone who doesn’t lock the doors regularly. Unless we are actively going in and out, we lock the doors. We live in a very safe neighborhood, but why invite trouble?

It's heartbreaking all those that need or feel the need to keep doors locked even when in.

I don't lock up much. Nice town, surrounded by nice neighbours.
I hate that twatty men ruin it for everyone.

@HowcanIhelp123

You sound as anxious as the OP's husband tbh. Not slagging you off, I've been there.

I don't lock my garden door if I'm in the house. It depends where you live of course, but whilst I wouldn't necessarily be upset by DH locking on his way out, I would not find it reasonable at all for him to expect to find it locked on his return and repeatedly insist on that expectation. His anxiety is making him controlling.

Do you lock your car doors? Of course you do! It's not heartbreaking it's just commonsense. I prefer to ensure that random people can't just walk into my home, if the car is locked I'm not making it easy for a thief.
I don't understand why people think otherwise.
Edited to say my neighbours are nice too. That's not the problem.

I read this anxiety as controlling too, particularly the follow up on school drop off- that’s not related to your home security (door locking). If there’s a connection to particular trauma in his home or safe space previously, it’s understandable and help is available, otherwise I’d be looking at our relationship as a whole.

The problem is so many people are normalising his behaviour without actually seeing the problem. It isn’t about the locking of the doors because that is normal - it is his reaction and need to control and micromanage the @LotteryFights that moves this from normal to not.
Cleaning and liking a clean house is normal but there is a line that is crossed when it goes from normal to not - and the same is true for the house locking here. Where it goes from being fine to not and crosses a line.

that line is where it becomes all consuming - the need to check she is home/she has locked the door etc and telling the OP it is fine and she has to deal with it isn’t addressing the issue - because she shouldn’t have to live with his anxiety being the centre of everything, neither should his children and neither importantly should he

Night latches on both doors would avoid all this hassle.

We don't leave any doors unlocked unless we are literally out in the garden then coming back in. I would lock doors in this scenario too

YANBU it would drive me insane, someones watching too much tv.

I always lock my door if I’m going out even if people are still in it. They have keys if they need to let themselves out. I wouldn’t keep my door unlocked, you never know who might come in.

I had no idea, but people in our small village have filmed people trying doors at night, they posted about it .

Our child thought that since we were ina dark corner, backing onto fields, burglars would never bother with us, I think the opposite is probable.

Anyway our doors are always locked, when we are home, and hopefully not home too 🤣

I think there’s a lot of talk about low risk but not the stakes which are quite high - his family. I think you should feel grateful to be protected and cared for.

Ah yes that particular scenario would irritate me no end (even though I’m a door locker).

Do people usually peer through your front window? If not I think it'll be okay.
I mean there's a risk of someone breaking in and trashing the house looking for presents so I don't see the issue of putting them under the tree, although we don't usually do ours until Christmas Eve.

Our back and front door are always locked unless we are in the garden. We live in a village. I would always lock doors now.

You are absolutely normal, your husband isn’t - he’s passing his anxieties and worries on to you, if my husband questioned me like yours does he’d be told where to go.