To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

It’s controlling. How much you can tolerate is down to you, but if it were me, I would say,

“Husband, I will call you if there’s a problem, so if you do not hear from me please do not call. My phone will be switched off and I will put it back on again at the end of my working day. If it is a genuine emergency, and not your out of control anxiety, please call the switchboard at my workplace.”

Buy a door stop / wedge and wedge the back door open in the summer. Tell him that locking people in is a fire risk and he should get some counselling.

Depends on the house, new builds (well i say new, ours is 13 years old) you don't need a key to open from the inside, to stop the very thing you describe.

Op i think the door is fine, I'm married to a retired police inspector and he would never leave the door unlocked I assume from expeience. If the kids are playing out, does he lock them out in the garden? The texting if it's anxiety driven rather than caring is a bit ott. Perhaps give him the door locking and suggest some kind of help for the anxiety.

But if the kids are out in the garden then clearly someone is home. They're not going to he there without an adult inside. And someone wanting to break in isn't going to go past the kids to do it and assume the kids won't spot them.

If they're all inside however snuggled in watching tv someone may think no one is in and come through the door. Then OP is alone, potentially with kids between her and the intruder.

Oh dear, I lock all our doors and ask dh to 'lock me in' when he's leaving. As others have said I can't imagine leaving doors ripe for the opportunists.
I also messaged oh daily to if all was ok on the journey, and traffic and got in safe. Just to know all good, not OCD or anxious

Do a drinks table and ice cream station which I top up regularly.

there is a lot of focus on the locked doors - look past that. It's the constant nagging he's doing about it. When OP is at home and he isn't she is an adult able to make her own decisions about locking the door or not. And he is being a controlling nag going on about it.

And the pestering about school drop off? I just simply would not put up with that.
His anxiety isn't OPs problem to solve.

Our doors are generally unlocked. I do try to lock them at bedtime but it’s not a hill either of us are that bothered by.
I do try harder to remember to lock them after we did have a weirdo ( high on drugs, escaped from local hospital) walk in wanting keys for the car (we don’t have) so he could get away. However he was very pleasant and wandered off once he realised we couldn’t help him.
i do wish we could do better, but I must say it’s not a particularly high priority.

Ok, just realised my last post could be outting me. Please don’t, if you recognize me!

We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

IF it makes sense that the door is locked at all times (except when someone has gone out into the garden and still has sight of the door until they go back in) then it makes sense for the person going out to lock it behind them. It doesn't make sense for you to have to pay attention to exactly when he leaves and get up and lock the door. So in his mind, he's probably doing the logical and considerate thing, or at least the "normal" thing.

You need a consensus on whether or not it needs to be locked during the day when someone's home. He's acting like there is one when there's not. But I'd just respond to "why's it unlocked?" with "because I unlocked it"; no point letting him rile you up. And ignore the texts about the school run, if you've told him once that you'll let him know immediately if there's a problem. What's he going to do, show up at your office and ask in person?

If he goes for a walk, OP leaves door unlocked, someone steals the car keys near the door and makes off with his car - insurance won't cover it as door unlocked.

If someone breaks in because door unlocked and OP is in kitchen getting kids a drink and the kids are alone in the living room and everyone panics and kids get hurt it's his kids.

If OP went into autopilot and forgot to drop kids off in summer and they died in their car sears on back seats before she realised his kids are dead.

OP is an adult. And if she wanted to get her own place filled with her own stuff with no responsibility for anyone else, sure. Don't lock any door and put up a big sign saying so. But her choices have potentially big impacts on him as her husband - and he really isn't asking anything out of ordinary.

I always lock our doors when we’re in the house

except he's not asking, he's telling

You feel patronised and suffocated...that's what matters, not whether the back door is locked, or that it can be seen as caring to make sure the drop off went OK, or whether Christmas presents go under the tree.

Given your updates I'm fairly sure I'd feel the same.

I managed to lose the quote from my above reply.

But that's not the case in the OP s house

A woman local to me left her front door unlocked and a guy high on drugs let himself in (presumably to rob the house), found her asleep on her bed and raped her. He then held her hostage and raped her repeatedly over the next day It terrified me when I heard about it. My door is always locked now.

Must everyone share these bizarre horror stories? Everyone has a friend of a friend who was raped by a serial killer who peeped through the window at the Christmas presents. In reality most assaults are committed by people you know, in your own family. This kind of stranger danger porn is absurd.

This place is a pit of anxiety.

You’re normal to me, OP. Not the hyper anxious responses you’ve had.

Your infantilising and paranoid husband would drive me to distraction. Or drink.

Are people missing that the OP lives in a quiet village? Not downtown Detroit.

I agree. The one above your comment is bananas.

Another sane reply. Thank Christ.

Surely it depends on how safe your garden is? If there’s a 2m wall around it you’re probably pretty safe, if there’s a gate or a low fence in our area I would lock the door unless kids were literally running in and out? I don’t think locking doors to ensure house is secure is particularly extreme, there’s a lot of car theft here where thieves are in and out in seconds with your keys. Neighbour was robbed when one rang her doorbell to distract her and the other got in through the French windows.

I'm with you OP, front door is locked because it opens onto a main road but back door and bifold doors in the kitchen are never locked in the day. Our garden is completely enclosed though so anyone wanting to break in would have to climb over several other gardens which seems unlikely! To be honest, I sometimes forget to lock them at night too 😬 maybe I'm a bit too relaxed about it! My mum always has all her doors locked in the day and honestly, it makes me feel a bit trapped when I'm there!

I feel very similarly to you op and to me it does seem over anxious and stifling. However, I can see from the thread that we’re in the minority!

I have experienced a break in at a previous house when the doors were both locked and I was in bed so I’m not totally convinced that locking the door is always the security people think it is. I absolutely hate having the doors locked when I’m in the house but have got used to it to accommodate DH.

You really text your partner every day to see if they got to work ok or if there was traffic? That would drive me mad and seems way over the top 😒

I have empathy for people struggling with anxiety and of course some of these stories about home invasions etc are beyond awful.

But I refuse to accept it as normal or tolerable to be checked up all the time. I take the kids 5 mins to school. My kids are fine at drop off. It is uneventful. My garden is enclosed and v quiet, and I'm a 40 year old woman who can establish how often I need to lock it when pottering around with the kids

Ppl going round checking up on each other the whole time?? Its exhausting.