To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

I always have the door locked! To me its just not worth the risk of some random trying to get in .Also I may be wrong here nut I thought Insurance company wont pay out if door left open?

Yes, it’s fine. But will you remember to lock it when you leave the room?

I think this is very dependent on where you live. People don’t lock their doors when they’re in here really. @LotteryFights id just get one of those locks with a thumb scanner then it can be locked all the time but you don’t have to think about it.

do you do a survey then?

My advice to you OP (although I don't know whether I'd have the strength to take it myself in your shoes - I hope I would) would be to explain to him that you won't be accepting certain things from him anymore and that his anxiety is his to deal with.

For instance, I would say that I won't be giving him feedback on drop offs unless something important has happened and that I won't be responding to his calls to check, no matter how many times he rings.

I would say that I won't be locking th door when I go out to the garden and won't give him an explanation if he asks me about specific incidences.

Him locking you in is the one you can't do anything about so easily except asking him to stop. The others you do have some degree of control over. You don't have to answer your phone and you don't have to justify yourself like a little girl.

My justification for this is that anxious thoughts are never satisfied. If anxiety makes you check or lock the door once it will make you keep doing it again and again. Anxiety never says 'enough is enough'. It can't easily be reasoned with. But as from your description you aren't doing anything most people would consider dangerous, it is your DH's responsibility to learn to manage his anxiety better and he won't have any incentive to do this without you setting limits.

When we lived in a student house, we did not lock ourselves in (but did lock when we all were out). Not once, but twice, someone let themselves into our house and stole stuff. We were each in our room and assumed it was one of our friends, not realising until the friend got home and found laptop gone. Since then, I have always locked myself into the house.

We never lock our front or back door other than when we go to bed or are all out of the house.

He sounds mentally ill. The locking the door and checking up on you and expecting a response? The presents under the tree?

I couldn’t live like this. He needs therapy.

Keeping doors locked led even when you’re in makes sense to me. Colleague’s mum had her house broken into when she was putting laundry away upstairs. I think far better to keep locked wherever possible.

If doors are locked without the key being in the lock it is extremely dangerous incase of emergency. I have visited people and had to wait outside while they hunted for a key.

After having someone climb over my locked gate into my back garden, in broad daylight, open the back door, take house/car keys and wallet off the side, then steal the car over night, my doors are always locked at all times.

I don't think it is OCD or controlling (why does MN always need to label people?) he just sounds like a man wanting to ensure his family are safe.

I would hate this too. My MIL did this in our house many years ago while babysitting and took the key out, we each felt equally strongly in opposing directions, she was anxious about intruders, I was anxious about getting family out in a fire.

Doors always locked here, even the back door, we had an intruder in our childhood house once who let himself in our unlocked front door, luckily my dad was home and chased him off. I know it’s incredibly unlikely to happen again but why give any scum bag an opportunity to invade your home.

Our door is always locked. Whether we're home or not. We never leave the windows wider then the 'locked setting' including at night. We had air con put in for when it's hot. Basic safety both ways. Younger kids can't get out, no one can break in. Remember most are opportunistic - a quick grab of handbag and steal the car with the keys etc.

Myself and DH always message each other after drop off, especially in summer. Children die in hot cars. We also put something we need (e.g. work bag) between seats so we have to check the back.

I wouldn't consider it to be 'highly anxious' or 'infantilising'. When you leave the door unlocked any fucker can walk in. And I certainly wouldn't want someone coming in when I'm home alone with the kids!

Edit to add: we leave the key in the door if in, and we have a hook literally by the door with a spare set of keys so never need to hunt for them. And the other door when we got it replaced we got one that was key on outside but a thumb lock inside so no key needed to get out.

I didn't realise this was a thing - we never lock the door if anyone is in the house. I'd hate to think I was locked in - that would freak me right out

The thought that any fucker could wander into my house while I'm naked in the shower, or asleep with my kids asleep in their rooms closer to the front door freaks me out one hell of a lot more!

You are also aware if someone opens the door and steals your car keys etc while you're upstairs your insurance won't cover you?

You put in air con rather than open the windows? This is baffling to me.

Of course you lock external doors! I wouldn't dream of leaving them open apart from going in and out to the garden. Nothing to do with anxiety, it's a city thing.

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing your drop off is ok. There would be loads of mums on here saying oh leaves everything to me doesn't even check.
It sounds kind.
So unless you're going to say he checks what you're spending etc he sounds like a kind man who cares about the welfare of his family.

Of course I did. First of all, when it is 30 odd degrees in the summer and no one is sleeping because it's still 30 with the windows, air con means our rooms are a pleasant 20 degrees.

Second of all, it means my young kids can't climb out of the windows - obviously dangerous. And no one can break into the house through the open window, including the kids windows.

Also, if anything is stolen due to open windows it's not covered by insurance. I've known people lose their cars and all sorts that way. An open window is basically an open door.

We don't use our front door so that stays locked, but our side door is only locked if we both go out or when we go to bed. It would drive me nuts to have to keep locking and unlocking it every time I went in or out.

It sounds like he is highly anxious and prone to catastrophizing. Some therapy would probably help him to explore why he is feeling this way and help him to manage it.

You are normal. Your husband has a problem with anxiety. Is he getting any help for his anxiety?

That would massively annoy me too. How secure is the gate to the alleyway? Could you compromise by increasing security on the gate, and then he could try to relax about the back door being locked while you’re in the house?

This is absolutely bonkers. Obviously don't have open windows in children's bedrooms but to never open windows fully?? I feel stuffy and suffocated thinking of it.