To hate that he locks the door when we're home

[LotteryFights]

Our front door is always locked as it goes straight onto the road & we never use it. Instead we use the backdoor was goes out to the garden and then through the garden gate onto a side road where the car is parked.

H is highly anxious. For example every single morning without fail he messages me saying 'drop off ok?' (I drop the kids off before I go to work) and i have to write 'yes' or he'll call me and i'll be in meetings and he calls and calls.

When he leaves the house at the weekend and me and DC (primary school) are home, we are in the back room/snug thing which is where the back door is and he will leave by this door and then use his key to lock the back door from the outside. Of course I'm not locked in as I can just unlock it but it's so weird to me. We are home, watching telly or playing and he is outside locking us in. If I wanted to lock the back door while we were at home - i could do it.

And then when he comes back and it's unlocked as i've popped into garden - he will ask why it's unlocked. He's not angry but he's geniunely expecting a response - and I find myself explaining myself to him like a kid!

He think I'm the weird one and he's keeping us safe. I makes me uncomfortable - which he says is my issue.

AIBU to feel hate it?

Myself and DH always message each other after drop off, especially in summer. Children die in hot cars. We also put something we need (e.g. work bag) between seats so we have to check the back.

Just in case you forget you have a child with you? Or in case a random child sneaks into your car and takes refuge as a stowaway? Batshit.

Yes, it's anxious behaviour but, where I used to live, a guy had burgled 84 houses, in daytime, by walking into people's houses, who left doors unlocked. These people had private gardens, too, but he'd chance his luck, and it only took him a couple of minutes to make off with stuff.
I don't think you can be too careful now.

@HowcanIhelp123 😂 yeah I wish I was. I know what you mean though. We are in a very quiet area and rarely see a stranger in our street.

If I lived in a city or somewhere where there is a high crime rate then yes I would certainly lock the doors etc.

Front door always locked and so is back door unless we are in garden or in and out.

I never create an opportunity for anyone to enter my home, my kids come in from school and are in the habit of locking door straight after them.

I like to know if my family after safe after my aunt didn’t arrive home and was killed in a car accident and my partners mum was killed in hit and run so we check on each other and kids because of previous tragedies for reassurance

Indeed. Just 2 stories of people leaving a door unlocked routinely.

1. My grandma, who found burglars in her house 3 times. On one of these occasions, she was attacked as well as robbed.
2. Close friend's Mum and partner, both were early 50s. Lived in a farmhouse in the country, laughed at the idea they should lock their doors as "This is not that sort of area". In fact, it was the "sort of area" which burglars from other areas target, knowing that the residents assume they're safe. Four men burst in, tied them up whilst giving them a vicious beating (partly for information about the whereabouts of valuables and cash, partly because they were bastards) and robbed them. Partner ended up in hospital and was never the same again.

It's not paranoia to lock your doors. It's just sensible.

I try to keep doors locked when I'm in after I read about Richard Chase's 'code' as a teenager but agree there is a balance.

I used to live with someone who was very anal about it- even locking windows and hiding the keys and ranting at me if I didn't put the alarm on when I did the 10 min school run. His zealousness and infantalising made me feel so stifled and want to swing every door wide open. So I do understand.

If someone walks through it, then no it’s terrible safety wise as you’re immediately in harm’s way?!

We always lock our door when in. I forget sometimes but DH checks regularly.

In terms of checking in on drop off, that’s surely just kind and caring. I’m not overly anxious at all but do like that my husband regularly checks in so he would know quickly if something had gone wrong.

And if it's violent burglars, do what?

I'm not a good judge as live on a farm and have never locked our doors.
I think it your situation if it'd a quiet area and the garden is locked (so no visitors csn come to your back door?) Then I'd probably be like you and not too bothered. But I would just point out that you being close to the door isn't necessarily making it safe, are you assuming anyone breaking into your house will be sane and rational enough to just turn and leave if they see you? What are you going to do if a dangerous person walks into your house? Or someone high on drugs ?
You can't assume your house is safe just because you could SEE the home invaders, you might not be the deterrent you think you are!

A more helpful thought- exactly how secure is your garden? Could you talk to DH about it and maybe improve the garden so he feels less worried about the back door, I would definitely want to be able to pop in and out with kids without worrying someone could just hop over the fence.

@VickyEadieofThigh but then it gets into a spiral of exoecration.

Violent burglars, common thieves, rapists etc are all in the fucking wrong.
It's them. It's not women, people who haven't locked up or any other reason.

I know it doesn't help if one of these men come to your home but really the idea that's it normal to protect yourself rather than it's normal for people to behave well, is all fucked up. It's not the dark ages.

I don't think my house is "safe" as such. Nobodys house is 100% safe.

I just feel patronised and suffocated by someone dictating to me how to live, particularly while the risk is so so low - not zero but nothing is zero

And windows and doors - it's good to have them open and get fresh air.

The kids are in and out the garden 9 months out of 12. Do I tell them to come in and lock the door if I go upstairs to do something? No, I don't. I don't want my kids to think playing in their own garden is dangerous. It's not. Of course horrendous things happen but I drive them to school every day and that's far more likely to cause harm.

It is if you have a locked gate so your garden is secure, and you’re near your DC not upstairs.

As a general rule we lock our doors unless we’re in and out of the garden. We’ve had stuff stolen from our porch so we lock the outer porch door now in daytime whereas we used to just lock it up at night.

However, the texting about the morning drop off every day would drive me mad. I’d ignore it and put the phone on silent.

You have to remember that half of Mumsnet won’t even open the front door when someone’s knocking on it 😭

YA absolutely not being unreasonable. It's weird and it's controlling to literally lock your partner into the house against their wishes, and to be constantly monitoring and pestering them in the way OP describes.

So many posters missing the point here, it's unreal.

I think a lot just depends on how you where raised and if you’ve ever been burgled / had someone enter uninvited.

I used to be very meh, but a grandparent was robbed back door unlocked and we had a man just enter my home in the brief time my front door was unlocked.

So yes front doors are always locked and we have a mountain of cctv now because once you’ve had your space violated like that you don’t want to risk it ever again.

It’s a bit like house insurance most people won’t ever need it but when you do you thank god you had it. Locking my doors and cctv is the same as insurance it’s steps to protect.

Both doors locked, sometimes back door is left unlocked as easier to let the cats in (no I'm not getting a bloody cat flap in a glass door they look cheap and tacky)

God I’d hate this too OP.

We live in a large, but rural, village, front door to the porch is always unlocked, literally nothing apart from some bags for life and wellies in that though, and then the inside front door is a Yale so always locked from the outside.

Like you, we also always use the back door which leads to the garden and then gate to path between mine and neighbours house, the back door is only ever locked at night and when we go to work if house will be empty for a prolonged time, don’t even bother for the school run (yes I know, insurance invalid etc but it’s very safe here and my choice to do this). The garden gate is generally always open, kids are in and out playing in garden and with their friends who live nearby it’d be a full time job locking and unlocking every time someone went in or out.

OH mooted putting in a ring doorbell, the neighbours house is at a right angle to us so we can only see one window and a huge hedge kicked off about lack of privacy of his home so we gave up. Another neighbour put in eight cameras came round to show us what he could see of our home. Honestly it was a bit of wall, roof, and hedges. They were aimed at his paths and doors. It made them feel safer.

The thing is our police don't generally come out to burglaries these days.

Not at all. We never lock our door whether we're in the house or not. Having it locked is really inconvenient.

Hmm. Our front door is deadlocked so no need to lock on way out. We can double lock it but I don’t think that’s safe in case of fire as you need a key to get out. Our back door is only locked at night or when we’re out - we park at the back so constantly in and out, dog needs letting out etc. perhaps we’re slack. I actually think this sounds more like controlling behaviour, but that’s because it would drive me crackers.

Why don’t you tell your partner that you will call if anything goes wrong with the school drop off and stop answering your phone if he does call. It would drive me nuts to be checked up on every day.

My front door is deadlocked but my back door is often unlocked during the day when I’m. In the summer it is usually open all day as I am in and out. Your partner sounds very anxious and controlling. You are an adult too and can make your own risk evaluations.

He isn’t locking you in, because you can unlock it from the inside, so I think YABU to say that. But he shouldn’t be locking it when the kids are running in and out of the garden and you’re close by.
I’d find the daily quiz about the school run intolerable, especially as he badgers you if you don’t respond immediately. It’s either anxiety or control.

I used to never lock my door until my old upstairs neighbour was almost robbed as she bathed. If her husband hadn’t came home when he did I dread to think.

Now my door is locked as soon as we’re home!

When people have a very high level of anxiety there is always a kernel of truth in the risks they envision—unless the worry is utterly delusional. The problem is that any one behavior isn’t the issue or on its face unreasonable. But all of the behaviors and concerns are creating a pathological scenario.

I always keep my door locked and I'm not an anxious person.