MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

“Thanks, MIL. I make an absolute fortune selling the clothes you buy that he hasn’t had a chance to wear. 💰 Keep ‘em coming!”

You never know, might help.

It’s kind of sad that many mums these days want to buy second hand and don’t see the point in brand new everything yet it seems some of the older generation insist on buying new everything for their grand kids just because it’s their right to? Maybe we should be celebrating mums buying pre loved stuff? Why do we need more rampant consumerism and creation of clothes just because it makes nanny feel good buying them 🙄 honestly such a selfish mindset.

Just stop.
Let them buy what they want. Make gentle suggestions and then gratefully accept the gifts you receive. Then do with the gifts what you want.
Anything else and you are making yourself look very unpleasant and risk damaging your relationships with your in laws. And that's me putting it kindly.

I get why you don't want expensive/non-practical gifts but unfortunately you cannot police what others choose to gift. Could you sell the fancy gifts on, or let DC wear them and take a pic for MIL (not hiding how dirty the expensive clothes are)?

My (lovely) MIL did the same. My DD is the only granddaughter on that side and we were inundated with expensive frilly dresses. In most cases the dresses never fitted because MIL would buy clothes labelled for the age DD was, whilst ignoring the fact DD was on the 95%ile for height. I tried telling her to buy the correct size and that frilly dresses are horrific to crawl in but it all fell on deaf ears. I just sold them on eBay. If something vaguely fitted I stuffed DD in it for a photo and then sold it. I get why you are upset - if money is tight it's frustrating that people are wasting money on things you don't want and you have to have the hassle of selling it, when you probably don't have the metal headspace to be bothered.

Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable and falling into the ‘ILs are evil trap’

it will invariably be the case that your family have similar values and views as you and your in laws may not. That doesn’t make them bad people - remember they managed to raise a son who you thought wonderful enough to marry

my mil would do things I didn’t like but I reframed my thinking because I wanted my kids to have a good relationship with her and in reality what was she really doing wrong? Different isn’t always bad

a gift is exactly that and it is for your child not you. One year olds don’t particularly need a lot and your in laws probably think you’re buying second hand so new would be a treat. My mum used to get carried away with cute clothes and it was her money to spend so why not. It is very churlish to monetise a gift. If you are struggling financially then that is a conversation for your husband to have with them

you have a lot of years left with your in laws and I would be very careful about the hills you choose to die on - this doesn’t seem to be one of them

You've missed the point. If we get an £80 north face winter coat in December which will be able to be worn for about 2 months til its too warm again (one of the things she is intent on purchasing) - this doesn't give us lots of saved money to spend on toys. We already have 2 coats he can wear. They buy few, expensive items of clothes. If we were receiving loads of trousers, jumpers etc then fine but it's always a couple of ridiculously expensive items like a £60 summer dungaree set that was bought when my son was 5 months old and will never be worn because he turns 1 in December. The midst of winter.

I think you’ve got a cheek tbh.

I can see where you’re coming from, and lend sympathies for your financial difficulties, but you’re being a little too controlling in my opinion. So he only wears the little outfits once for a photo, or maybe twice, and then they’re sold on, does it really matter? I don’t think this is a hill to die on. I have to admit I find it weirdly prescriptive giving lists of presents options dressed up as ideas but really meaning anything off this list will be completely unappreciated and, in fact, lead to the giver being labelled disrespectful, rude etc etc.
As has been mentioned already, your focus would be better turned to the fact your husband has brought in no money for months in pursuit of this own business of his, despite it being a wholly impractical time to do so. Maybe another time he could look at that but if you’re in such a situation so as to be unable to buy toys for your small child, he needs to suck it up and get a job! Being self employed and running your own business is not for the faint of heart.

Some one has to buy new for there to be second hand clothes..

I would put them on your DC with the tags hidden, snap a few pictures in a couple of locations and then sell them. I would put the money in a savings account for DC.

I don’t understand why people dictate what a gift should be for a child. A gift is exactly that. A gift. Do you refuse or complain about gifts you are given for yourself from family and friends unless they buy what you tell them they’re allowed to buy you.
If asked, sure it’s fine to give suggestions but even then if the gift is something else, the response I was taught is: thank you.
you certainly don’t repeatedly say what not to buy as a gift when not even asked.
Your mil maybe just wants to see her GC in some lovely clothes and she thinks what you choose maybe isn’t that lovely. That’s ok. She’s allowed an opinion. She’s not saying to you that your kid looks awful in your clothes. But maybe she thinks it. That’s polite, to not say every thought out loud.

Send her a text back asking her to leave the receipt with the gift so you can go and change them for what your son needs.

I agree with this

I think the GP just want to buy nice things for their GC, it's a generous thought and it's unfortunate that you can't see past your rigid requirements on gifts. Loosen up a bit and enjoy dressing your DC in nice new clothes, it won't be long before they look suitably second hand.

Yes, you're fine to sell them - I agree with taking a quick picture first.

I think try to get less het up about it. I'm not surprised you're stressed with a young baby and such a difficult financial picture. But I have to admit I bought an expensive babygro for my v new great niece because I'm over-excited and it's fun. I certainly hope that if my niece doesn't like it or has too many she will flog it or send it back - I've had my fun by buying it.

Hope you're dh's business picks up soon and things look less tough.

Then compromise? She wants to buy clothes could your DH say something like, could we give you a list of things to look out for as we find we've already got a coat etc but really baby needs dresses/tops/a pair of wellies

Rather than taking completely opposing stances, could you accept that they like to buy the expensive clothes and take a more active part in that?

E.g. Say I know you like to buy cute outfits (or whatever wording) but I want to make sure he also has some toys to help his development, so could we have some of each?

Or ask to choose a few things together online, so you can direct it to things you like/are practical as well. Or if shopping in person you could also show them toys that your son would like in case they just have no clue.

Then they might rein it in rather than just completely go against you?

Nearly all of it gets wasted or worn once and I'm not doing it any more.

Whats the alternative, cutting off your DH’s mother for buying your child expensive clothes?

How many times have you given suggestions for gifts if the baby isn’t even 1 yet??

How many toys do you think a 1 year old even need? If you buy toys and your whole family get exactly what you want really what’s the issue with your mil not sticking to your list?

A grandparent who loves and wants to spoil her grandchild is really not the biggest problem to have.

There is no reason why your son can't wear the clothes your MIL gives him. Face it, children this age can go through a few changes every day. It would be really graceless to take them back.

Meh, I don’t understand the angst. Surely you can use the clothes they purchase which would save you buying clothes (secondhand, new, whatever). Buy some toys with the money their clothes save you on clothes shopping.

Don't be afraid to get the new expensive clothes dirty either. Two of mine wore expensive designer kit as babies/toddlers/young children. I got bags of it from someone at work who had finished having kids and half of it was still new with tags. We just used it all in place of everyday clothes and they did painting, Playdoh, messy play in them and trashed them like they would have with cheap clothes like their other siblings wore at that age. I will say they did seem to wear/last better than cheap clothing so wish we had them with the older ones instead as better to hand down, still got super stained etc, but we didn’t care as we got use from them.

There are many ways around most problems.

Why would they get wasted though? Your son is now turning one so the clothing range will last a good 4- 6 months now. There should be no wasting really! It's normal for grandparents to want to buy clothes for their grandchildren. I'm grateful for anything we get given and will prioritise clothing that's been bought for us over items we've bought second hand. It's just common courtesy. How do you know they haven't bought any toys too? His birthday and Christmas are in December. I feel so bad for MIL's and DIL's. They get such a bad rep. I'm so glad to have 4 loving grandparents for my baby!

If money is tight that your concerned about providing the very few toys a baby needs then perhaps instead of “starting a business” your husband needs to get a job that pays!

I do also think that if you're in dire straits with money to the point that you're getting so het up over lovely gifts from your PIL, I would argue that this is not the time for your DH to be trying to start up a business. He needs to get a job so you can get an income straightaway.

You would be better off using your energy to get DH to understand that, rather than seething at PIL's gifts.

Because they haven't. His mum has told me she has only bought him clothes for Christmas and his birthday.