MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

You know they value giving clothes so in your planning plan to buy very little in terms of clothing knowing that some will come from grandparents.

i am really not getting the level of issue you are making this into

I understand your argument but it's her money and she's not buying anything dangerous. If you don't like an outfit then sell it on. If you don't mind it then pop them in it for nursery and they can trash it if they want. I understand completely where you're coming from, you've told her you need toys. But at the end of the day the gift is meant to be a bonus not the main source of toys etc.

You sound hugely controlling and rather unpleasant. Let your in laws buy clothes and you can buy toys. I suspect this is more about you stamping your feet and wanting your own way though.

Yes but you are still being overly entitled and controlling. It's different with your own family, but with in laws you simply cannot expect to dictate what they spend their own money on.

I understand the respect issue and I understand why it gets your back up. But you do have to accept that although you can request it, you cannot demand it.

I personally would never do that but seems some people are not as kind.

This is incredibly passive aggressive.

I'm sure you were taught as a child what to do when someone gives you a gift you don't like - smile and say thank you. That's still the rule when you're an adult.

Put him in the clothes and take a photo for MIL. Use what you can, sell the rest.

My MIL had sons, I have daughters and MIL loves shopping. She brings them party dresses they never wear, because they're little so parties involve racing around soft play. We say thank you, they wear the dresses the odd time they're suitable (usually out for lunch with the PIL), and then they get passed on. It's not a big deal, it makes MIL happy and she's a lovely granny and indeed MIL.

Btw, before you know it (likely January with a December birthday and Christmas!) you'll have more toys than you can store and the thought of another brightly coloured piece of plastic crossing your threshold will make you weep.

I'd accept them as she obviously won't change. Wear them, then sell on Vinted and buy him what he needs from what you get. Your DH can do that if you're working?

I get your point completely and I agree with you but I hate people buying clothes for my children as gifts. I've a friend who buys my son lovely clothes that are way too big, so by the time he fits into them it's not the right season. It drives me mad.

My mil used to do this. She just loved baby / children's clothes and loved buying stuff for the kids. I'd always thank her, and after a decent length of time, I'd flog the stuff on eBay and put the money into the kids savings account.
It was the easiest option and prevented any upset. I know it's irritating especially if space is limited, but it gave my mil pleasure to buy them, and it wasn't my place to dictate how she spent her money. And yes it did feel like a waste, but selling them on meant my kids ended up with approximately £200 each, add in any birthday/ Christmas money and they're building up quite a nice nest egg, which will hopefully cover a number of driving lessons in the not to distant future!

Bizarre attitude as long as a GIFT isn't inappropriate then why shouldn't we be able to gift whatever we want if it brings us joy picking and giving it especially to grandchildren. I actually feel sad you can't just accept it when it's for the child and your choice is either to use of give away. We have three toddlers and the amount of gifts is often extreme partly because we have a huge family and partly because they are very much adored being the only grandchildren. Yes they often get given clothes or toys and I'm like in my head awww noooo but hey I will pop them on take pictures and send on. Because what makes me the most happy is my babies are so loved who cares if they get the same thing multiple times or accidental wrong age clothing or whatever. The fact all is given in love makes it not worth a second of moaning.

You are getting overly wound up and using very emotive language about a situation which is basically a non event. She isn’t the only person who has bought a gift that the receiver (or receivers mother) doesn’t particularly want or like. She’s not “disrespecting” you or “going against your wishes” - she’s just some woman who values cute outfits a lot more than you do and wants to spend her (not your) money on them. She thinks it’s a nice treat and you think it’s a waste of money and have a bizarre idea that clothes can’t possibly get dirty if they are expensive. It’s annoying when you are skint to see other people waste money on you that you could have used for something you want but dragging in moral judgements about respect and pretending she is doing it in a hateful way is not going to help you out. She doesn’t actually have to respect your choices or obey your wishes - she can value different material things to you and piss her money up the wall if she wants. She has just bought some inappropriately expensive dungarees. That’s all. She doesn’t want to spend £200 on toys and you can’t make her, however disrespectful you think that is.

My MIL liked to buy party-type dresses for my daughter. I would just put them on her when we were visiting MIL. I saw it as a nice thing to do. I do sometimes think some of you have to work really hard to find something to have a go at your MILs about.

You could spend your money on toys from vinted rather than clothes?

Where in my post did I ever say new toys? I didn't. I'm more than happy with 2nd hand toys. My own family and myself often purchase 2nd hand toys. My in laws would never purchase anything 2nd hand so I've shared links to inexpensive toys online for them to get some ideas.

If everyone else does as you asked and buys toys, then I don’t see that it is a massive problem if just your in laws buy a couple of outfits.

I would probably want to buy some clothes for my baby grandchild!

Do you not think it's disrespectful to tell someone you don't like their choice of gift and then post online to slag them off?

You can’t choose how much money people spend on presents or what they buy. You can receive a gift and either keep it or return it to the giver. I think you need to remember your manners and focus on something else.

You can’t really be too prescriptive about what others give as gifts. Smile, say a gracious thank you, then you can do what suits you with them.

You can't stop them buying clothes. Just wear them once or twice then sell them and buy toys.

Your DH would have been better off getting a job. Some income, if you can't afford a few toys for your baby, now is not the time to be trying to start up his own business.

what places (other than the local shop) does your MIL buy clothes from?

'Others are not so kind' 🙄🙄

if you know she's going to buy him clothes, you'd be better not buying him so many yourself and using the money to buy toys, get your vinted dopamine hit from buying toys on vinted.

I think ‘disrespect’ is OTT. Perhaps your MIL just wants to buy the best for her DGC? She may be a bit thoughtless, but it’s not harmful, and it’s her money. If your family are listening to you and buying what you suggest, then your DC isn’t going without. If these expensive clothes get messed up, so what? Maybe just save them for times when MIL sees baby.

I don't really know what you mean by 'best' clothes for a baby, they grow so fast you just use all the clothes you have that fit, pretty much in rotation. If it's Sunday and you have visitors coming you might pick out something that you particularly like but that's about it. Or is it me that's odd?

Buy the toys yourself with the money you're saving from not having to buy your dc clothes.

We graciously accepted the first round of expensive clothes and for any future gifts when they send me clothes ideas I say thanks for thinking of us but we have so many and would really appreciate XYZ if you'd like to buy gifts. I wouldnt care if they bought the odd bit of clothing in addition to things we've said would be really appreciated but it's all they buy, in place of anything my son would actually enjoy. Nearly all of it gets wasted or worn once and I'm not doing it any more.

I feel you, this happens to me too! We’ve also started getting boxes of clothes for a size that my daughter won’t even reach for at least 2 years ! The latest was a box of expensive (but normal, everyday) outfits for a 3 year old…my daughter is 10 months old for reference.

The intention is lovely and sweet of course but where am I meant to keep all this stuff?! And how will I remember which clothes are ready to come out of storage at the right times? It’s nuts 😂