MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

money is not in abundance therefore both our families know that we are very appreciative of gifts we've said our son needs etc which right now is toys

I understand that when money it tight and there are things that your DS actually needs, their choosing to spend money on things he doesn’t need seems like a slap in the face. It is their choice though. In your shoes I’d be more annoyed with your DH. Starting his own business seems quite self indulgent when he could just get a job and be bringing in money again.

Isn’t it lovely to have a problem of someone gifting you £250 of clothes?

You can’t dictate what other people buy.

If you don’t like something, sell it or pass it on.

Wow you sound so entitled, most people
would just be grateful for a gift?

Well maybe the DM will pick this one up, IL’s will see it and you won’t have to worry about this terrible problem any longer.

Personally, I’d want my DH to get a job where he was earning money, so things like this didn’t feel like such an issue.

It’s clear from your other posts you really don’t like your IL’s

Well my very wealthy inlaws usually sound about £20 each on the kids presents. How can it be selfish to spend £200?

I've also learnt that every family has different ideas about presents. We also write lists but my friend hates that and prefers to have/buy a surprise.

This.

You can’t dictate what someone else buys for your child.

Surely it’s better for them to be used even if they get ruined than to sit unused.

Personally I’d choose what battles i was picking with them.

Yep , love this . So true, ungrateful indeed .

Surely the point of buying gifts isn't to give the 'giver' pleasure but the recipient? You were perfectly entitled to never willingly let your baby wear secondhand clothes because this was your child. You wouldn't have let your MIL dictate that your baby should wear secondhand clothes.

OP's MIL cannot dictate that OP's child should never wear secondhand clothes. That is not her decision to make. Obviously, she can ignore OP's wishes and buy loads of expensive, unwanted clothes but OP can decide to return them or sell them.

You're sounding really inflexible. Be grateful for the clothes, put your child in them, then when they no longer fit, sell them on or give them to friends/charity shops.

As for not having money for toys, such a young child really doesn't need many actual toys. Saucepans, cake tins, kitchen utensils, something that stacks, second hand picture books - all things they love.

Accept gift nicely.
Use what you need (if it’s her local shop surely quite a bit of it will be suitable for day to day)
Sell the rest or give to charity
Don’t make this a massive deal, by all means make suggestions but if they’re buying the gift it’s their choice and there’s nothing more joyless than being dictated to about what you can and can’t buy. Sounds to me as though this is verging on power play which is a shame.

I had this. Except my in laws bought stained, washed out shite. Or too small clothes. I was due in July and the ex MIL bought a snowsuit in size newborn. This where I dropped the pretence and asked if she was deliberately taking the piss.
Don't rely on them to follow a wish list. Leave the tags on and get them sold. If they ever ask why he's not wearing them- they got marked with pen at childminders, they're in the bin, what a shame.
Use the money raised to what he actually needs. Means more work for you, I get that, but I wouldn't say anything to them. You'd just grow more resentful as they're not listening.

My MIL used to buy matching cashmere jumpers from Brora for my DT's. They were a total pain to wash so I rarely washed them. They were however really warm and comfortable and lasted ages.

We had little money (as did she) and if frustrated me that she spent it on these but it was her choice.

Gift giving is actually about bringing pleasure to the recipient too so I think you have to let it go and use the clothes if you can, pass them on if not.

Just use the clothes and save the money you’d have spent on clothes on toys. If you really don’t want them then smile graciously, say thank you, take a few pics then sell them on Vinted and use the money to buy the toys you want. You can’t dictate what other people buy.

Honestly i stopped buying clothes for my DD as GPs bought so much stuff. I tend to only buy basics like tights, socks and vests and pyjamas. I recognised GPs love to buy little outfits they didn't have when they were young.
The only thing is I have to tell them sizes now as she is tall and in 3-4 clothes despite being 2!
Pick your battles. It's not like they're buying your LO tablets and energy drinks.

Even if the clothes do get “filthy” at the childminders, can’t you just wash them?

Yes annoying when you’re saying you don’t want/need these expensive items that she’s ignoring you and buying them anyway. If she won’t stop, I say just sell them on Vinted and use the money to buy the toys you want.

You've asked, she's ignored - absolutely sell the clothes and buy what you need. Not sure why you're getting such stick over this from posters.

I can understand why it’s frustrating, but you can’t dictate what people buy as gifts. It obviously gives her pleasure to buy the clothes. Perhaps she didn’t have the money or opportunity to do this when her own children were small.

As he has them available, I don’t understand why he can’t wear "good" clothes to get dirty in - since you didn’t pay for them it’s no skin off your nose!

But if he’s really got so many clothes he doesn’t get round to wearing them before they’re outgrown, just sell or donate them once they’re too small. If MIL asks why she hasn’t seen him in them, explain again that he has too many clothes and didn’t need them. You could try telling her you’re unhappy that you’re not getting the chance to choose his clothes yourself, but perhaps she thinks you’re putting him in second-hand clothes because you can’t afford, but would like, new ones. Or when she gives them to you, say "Thank you but he’s got so many clothes I don’t think he’ll get a chance to wear them before they’re outgrown." (She might just start buying bigger ones, though.)

In my opinion it would be rude for you to ask for receipts so you can swap them. Your DH could, though.

I wouldn’t begrudge this.

Do you think you are focusing on this issue in place of what you really would like to express about DH's job @Siamesecatlover ?

Could you ask MIL get the coat in next winter size, as DS already has coats in his current size?

YANBU as it is mildly irritating to ignore the wishes but also, you do sound ideologically against this and stubborn now. I’m sure there would be ways to wear dungarees in winter, put a long sleeve under top on and jumper on top!

And unless your son it’s growing far rapidly than any other child (and they purchase the right size), the coat will last a while. Or ask if they will buy clothes than they buy the size up!

Toys aren’t expensive. If you really need to, sell on Vinted and use the money for toys. I think you’ve got a bit over invested in this now. Perhaps they want him to look smart and buy him stuff - if plenty of other people are buying him toys I don’t see much of an issue beyond “smile and nod” irritation.

whilst I understand your pov, if your son has NO new clothes whatsoever I would say you are at one extreme of the spectrum and they are at the other.

Clothes don’t get that easily spoilt at childcare if they are good quality and wash well by the way. A good stain remover and all sorted.

I think it's fair to straightaway sell on or donate anything that is actually inappropriate (summer clothes that will only fit in midwinter, or anything that you genuinely don't like and don't want to put your baby in). But I think it's your responsibility to provide toys for your baby. They need to cost barely anything at that age, when the market is awash with second hand. Expensive clothes that are to your taste can be worn once or twice and then sold once he grows out of them, and the money put towards toys. MIL gets the pleasure of buying baby what she wants to buy him, he gets some lovely outfits, someone else gets a nearly new second hand bargain for their baby that they might not otherwise afford, and you get some extra money towards toys. Why the need to sell or return things as soon as they are received, rather than a few months later once they've been lightly used and outgrown? You could sell the ones you were given last year, and buy toys for this Christmas!

I would gladly take the clothes off you if you want rid of them.

My MIL enjoys buying more expensive clothes than I would for DC, I always just accept them, sometimes they are lovely and get worn and have came
in useful when going somewhere nicer or even at weekends going out for lunch or I try to dress DC in them if we’re going to visit etc., other times we’ve not had the occasion to use them before DC have grown out of them and they’ve gone to charity. I think she just enjoys the shopping process so I just let her get on with it but I’d say over the years as she’s got to know DC she has shifted slightly in what she buys for example DS14 now gets a fancy branded polo shirt which he appreciates. Choose your battles is my thoughts.

I'd be annoyed too with being given excess clothes which you have to store. To me it would be akin to the types of grandparents who are forever buying toys and cheap tat for someone who hasn't got the space to store it all. Some are useful, too many is just clutter.

If they could be directed to buy a coat (as they are expensive), then it would be ok, but 1246 t-shirts and trousers is just clutter.