H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

You cannot be a lifeboat to someone who keeps jumping out.

If he is maxing out his credit card, file for divorce asap so you can disassociate yourself from the financial crash you can’t afford.

I'd not be inclined to help. He may not be discharged anyway.

Yes, for you son's sake you have to go with the advice poster 1 gave. There is no way you can carry all of this and meet your son's needs.

Personally I wouldn’t offer to do anything, then maybe if he cannot come home to you, he might get some help where he is.

If he's technically homeless or needs a detox there, hopefully the discharge coordinator will organise this.
He's an adult who chose to drink. Do not get caught up in this. You have enough going on.💐

You have to put your dc first.

I would not be booking a hotel, as surely you will have to bear the cost of this.

He will have to advise them that he is homeless and then you can step away completely from trying to sort it out for me. Don't enable him OP. Sad I know but it is the only way.

He chose to go away and drink.
In my experience, addicts are incredibly selfish and most of them don't sort themselves out until they reach rock bottom.
I wouldn't do anything. He's a 60 year old man who can sort himself out with the assistance of the hospital xxx

God what a mess but yes your son is your priority here. Only your DH can sort himself out you can’t fix him.

I'm actually so annoyed at him for you, and feel he has you lined up as carer/money pot.
He's retired, spent all pension income, on alcohol... how does he think he'll pay for life going forward?
What was his plan for getting 'home', how did he fund travel the accommodation away?
If he wants to come back to home area, he can make an appt with homeless team to be accommodated if he is being classed as vulnerable.

Take a huge step back and then into the nearest Al-anon meeting.

Your priority is your son. File for divorce. Do not sort this situation out for your DH.

This with bells on

Leave him there, move any money out of joint accounts, and file for divorce.

Tell them and that he can’t come home

There's another thread going where the fitting phrase of 'nurse with a purse' is used.
That's amazingly fitting for what your 'd'h wants @RainbowLife .

bonkers to have married an ex alcoholic. Personally I’d go down the hard love route. No he can’t come home because it’s a safeguarding issue, yes he may need to look for a homeless hostel as a temporary measure, no you can’t collect him as you don’t have enough money or time or sympathy, yes he will need to seek hospital advice and find his own solutions, yes tell his relatives so they are aware of the fallout from the meal (even if they don’t help).

Also move cash across to your account if he’s burning through it.

As others have said you need to grow a backbone and step away. He needs to hit rock bottom, you’re enabling him by helping.

This really is the best thing for everyone OP

Stop helping him. He's an adult, he can sort himself out, and should. Rescuing him is just reinforcing the dynamic and stopping him from facing his issues.

Your energy and time needs to go to your DS.

This. You are an idiot OP. You knew the risks full well but still got hitched to someone who’s going to drag you down. If you have a joint account, get a life insurance policy incase he doesn’t have one. Atleast then his son and you will be looked after.

They won’t discharge a vulnerable adult if they have no where to go, they will make sure he has sorted a hotel or sort some accommodation for him. Leave him to it and file for divorce.

Poster 1 all the way. His health issue is self inflicted.
first you take care of yourself and then your priority is your sons welfare. 💐

You cannot deal with this yourself.

I tried to help exDH for years while we were together, then still years after we split, and even years after I realised I couldn't help him I still felt bad for him.

It took so much out of my life and didn't change anything for him. It also didn't ultimately change anything between him and DC except that he got to let them down on more occasions.

It's harsh but you need to step away and switch off for your own and your DC sake.

Is he your 10 year olds father? If he is, it doesn’t change my answer, but it does make it make more sense that you are considering doing this. It is reasonable to want him to be well for your child.

BUT child’s father or not, no you don’t do this. Let him sort himself out, he’s an adult. Your 10 year old needs you more. And you need to safeguard yourself too, put your own oxygen mask on first etc etc.

Leave him to it, look after yourself and your child. As someone with a neurodiverse kid I couldn’t imagine having the capacity to do it.

If your DS10 isn't your H's from the time before you broke up the first time, I'd say H has no claims on you and you should think of your DS and get rid of this unstable husband of less than one year.

If your DS is your H's child, then it's even more imperative you focus on your son's needs - leave H to sort himself out, divorce him, and arrange supervised visitation when he is sober again.

A pity you rekindled the relationship and married him!