H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

You can't make him better. And he will make your life worse.

Not heard this: 'nurse with a purse' but how very apt in this AIBU and many, many, others.

I think I’d be telling the sister tbh. Did he drink at theirs? Do they not know he’s an alcoholic?

As someone who has a family member who is an alcoholic and constantly going on binges for weeks and then relapsing and is killing themselves. I think you should arrange a taxi. The most important thing is you and your child's wellbeing. A taxi to the local travelodge in the circs makes more sense than you travelling and uprooting your child and spending cash you don't have. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Look after yourself, I'm so sorry youre in this situation.

I would probably tell his family and discuss with the hospital/rehab. I would tell them you are separated. I would help from a distance but file for divorce.

It sounds like he's not your sons father? If it were me, I would this one time make sure he is in a safe place where he can access support, but I wouldn't get involved any further in checking that he really was engaging with that support.

If he is your son's father, then I would feel a greater responsibility, unfair as that might be. But there's no point supporting the father at the expense of/to the detriment of the child.

Leave him figure it out? Don't be an enabler and clean up his messes. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

This x100. You have to be as selfish as he is ( all alcoholics are ). Please get support for yourself and your son via Al Anon and NACOA. My dad drank himself to death so I have some experience of hard decisions. 🤗

What has that got to do with it? The man's behaviour is all on him not on his family. It's a bit late to be wondering if they offered him a glass of wine with his dinner.

I think you need to try and back off OP and think of yourself and your DS. I can imagine it's hard though.

OP you've stated your DH is diabetic. If he is adding sugar through alcohol into his system he will be hypo. He is at risk of amputation.
The drug Semiglutinade used for diabetes (not weightloss) and has been shown to reduce alcohol cravings. It is free for diabetics.
I had wegovy (Semiglutinade for obesity) recently and I can absolutely confirm I have no cravings (I'm ex alcohol dependant)
Personally I wouldn't have him home. You can't help him, he needs inpatient care. I never got that bad but he will no doubt live a shortened life.
As an add you will not be able to get new life insurance for him. Once alcohol issues are on your medical records no one will give you cover. Pay any inforce policy religiously.
I've lost three friends to the booze in the last two yeas, 54, 60 & 62. This man is not going to make old bones. Protect your son and your sanity.

Easy said than done but leave him to sort it himself. By helping him get to a travel lodge etc you are effectively enabling his behaviour.

I have an alcoholic close family member so understand it’s not easy, l but you have to him suffer to consequences.

Because if they enabled/ encouraged his alcoholism I think they need to know the results. Also as his family I think it’s right for them to know he’s relapsed so bad he’s in hospital.
if be furious if my (v new) in law didn’t tell me my sibling was in hospital.

Sharing this again:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Free and qualified legal advice. Best wishes, OP.

The lifeboat analogy is spot on. Formalise a divorce, don’t let it drag on, you won’t help anything.

I agree with this and all variations of this theme.

My dad was an alcoholic and would leech off anyone available. Now he’s drinking again, that’s all you are to him.

Phone on silent. Don’t answer any unknown numbers. The system will deal with him.

Hi OP, I think this is your new thread; I followed your other one.

You must treat this as the catalyst for separating. I know you felt it was a distraction (as was the loss of H’s friend) but it doesn’t change the underlying situation. Put your DS and yourself first.

Leave him to it. Frankly. I know that sounds incredibly harsh. But leave him to it. He’s 300 miles away and that’s the best place for him. He chose to go there, possibly to see OW, and he chose to start drinking again.

First poster nailed it, as always. You can’t be someone’s lifeboat if they insist on jumping out.

You already know the marriage is over. Use this physical distance as the perfect opportunity to make it permanent.

Read this again. Keep reading it til it sinks in.
stop enabling him. Get yourself some therapy.

I am sorry for the situation you are in. But you are married, you promised to love and care for this man in sickness and in health. Addiction is a sickness.

go and collect him, bring him to the travel lodge close to the recovery service.

He needs to deal with his own mess. Don't solve this problem for him. He can make his own way to treatment if he genuinely wants it.

You need to totally cut all contact.

Get legal advice as soon as possible and start divorce proceedings. Hope that it being a 'short marriage' means that you can hang on to whatever you have.

This is terrible advice. You can’t help an addict who doesn’t want to be helped. And you can’t care properly for a dc with additional needs (or without, frankly) while also trying to do this. It would be enormously harmful for the dc and the OP and could even lead to them losing their home.

@RainbowLife i agree with the lifeboat comment. You can best support your dc by letting others help your H.

Definitely run for the hills. Couldn’t vote for that because I don’t think you’re an idiot! You are in a horrible and impossible situation.

book him a taxi and sever all ties asap. He will not change and will ruin your life and your son’s life.

The broader context of OP’s situation (which I appreciate you won’t know if you haven’t connected her previous thread) makes this terrible advice for her.

He’s also having an affair isn’t he? Leave
him be.

@RainbowLife It does sound like he is taking you into a financial disaster.

Is your house in your name or joint? I suspect this may be quite important here - if it's joint in some way then you'll need to know where he is to get paperwork sorted out after this. If it's just your responsibility then that's much easier