H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

Hi OP,

Wow what a crappy weekend you've had. I'm sorry.

People on MN will have absolutely no tolerance for him. So you'll get a lot of run for the hills. I do not disagree with it if we are looking at things black and white. However, alcoholism is something that is so misunderstood and is a genuine illness i.e. that it is a choice.
I do have very lived experience of it with a close family member, and I know of they were in their right mind, they would never have chosen that path. It can destroy the most wonderful of people.

I wouldn't be able to just leave someone crying out for help, especially if this is his first relapse and especially if he has expressed a wish to get better. I don't know the history between you both, I don't know how mmsybtomes he has relapsed, nor how many times he has promised to get better.
I assume your history is pretty extensive being you have a child together who is 10.

Importantly, tell yourself, you don't owe anyone anything, no matter who they are. So even if you help him today, it wouldn't mean you have to stay with him.

Although it really is great that he has said he wants to get help, the entire fabrication of a family event shows the level of deviousness he is willing to go through (common of all addicts, and not just your husband).

I would personally, have a chat with the hospital to see if they can arrange transport to the rehabilitation centre. And speak to your husband and tell him that you want to support him. But you don't need to promise to be with him etc etc.
Not decisions need to be made today.

If he chooses to get better, great. But then you will have a decision to make in the future if you're okay with what he has done this weekend.

If he doesn't, that's a long hard decision for you. But, I wouldn't be able to live with an alcoholic. It's such a difficult life.

I also wouldn't be protecting his family. You shouldn't shoulder this burden alone. It simply is too much for one person.

Sadly in her other thread this man has recently been away for a week to see his OW.

I honestly can't believe the number of apologists for this man's shitty, abusive behaviour on this thread!!

You are not in a position to help and shouldn't feel guilty about this, BUT, you definitely need to tell his brother and sister that his trip to see them has ended in a hospital admission. They are his family and closer by to help him. I'd let them know the situation, that you can no longer help him and let them make their own decisions. I'd be furious if my sil didn't inform me my brother was so ill and in hospital.

I would not be driving 7 hours today for anything, given the wind and the people who will be on the road making no allowance for it (and any fallen trees/other things).

Definitely tell his brother.

Leave him to it. As the ex-wife of an alcoholic I can tell you whatever you do will be wrong, so take the path of least resistance and leave him to it.

Really?
This marriage happened a year ago . He had previously been an alcoholic .

Im not here to make OP feel shit so I won’t be responding to any more nonsense comments like this .

You wouldn't be fuming at him for his actions? More responsibility removal?

He's having an affair. He's blowing through money like water on his alcoholism. File for divorce OP and move half of any money in joint accounts to somewhere he can't access. Let his dirty bit on the side look after him. Wash your hands of him and focus on yourself and your son.

I think that the siblings should know too but I don’t think he was with when he relapsed. OP says they are not local to where he is now and that he went away to see them and do other secretive things so I assume he is in the town where his mistress lives. Either way, they should know the full story and make their own decisions regarding the help they are willing to offer him.

What is the secretive behaviour? Is that the drinking or something else?

I think I'd leave him to it. It would be a nightmare for you to help him anyway, given the logistics and also your limited income. You say the marriage is over, so let it be over. He's beyond any kind of help you'd be able to give anyway, so I think I'd leave him to public health services at this point and focus on your DS. This man is a liability. I think I'd look into formal separation asap. You really don't want to be responsible for him. I would notify his DSis as to what has happened. Family have a right to know IMO.

Take a massive step back. Look at the fact that he's 300 miles away as a gift. Let the hospital he's in deal with him. They can find him accommodation/rehab. You don't need to step in.

Put your son and yourself first. File for a divorce. He is choosing to live a chaotic life. You can choose to live a peaceful life.

I know this must be incredibly hard for you OP, but it's time to walk away. No one will judge you for walking away.

Don’t pick him up. He has to get up himself.

I'm sorry people are being so harsh and calling you an idiot for marrying him. Life is far more complicated than that and it is not helpful at all to you and your situation.

I would contact Al-anon and ask them for advice and as others have said step away. Al-anon are amazing and will understand in a way that other posters here cannot. And they offer brilliant advice.

Only read the page one responses, but I agree with every single one that says leave now, file for divorce, don't let him in your home and move joint cash (although I doubt there is any if he is maxing out a credit card)

He drank, he takes the consequences ALONE

Christ, why are there always people on here that nit pick other people's posts and completely miss the point. I'd want to know if my brother was in hospital, especially if I was only 50 miles away. Worst case scenario, he could die in there and may not be in a state where he could call his family himself. Me being annoyed at not being told this information has absolutely nothing to do with how I would feel about my brother. They are two separate things and nothing to do with 'responsibility removal'. While I'm here having to respond to your stupid comment though I wouldn't be 'fuming' at an alcoholic for having a relapse no. Thankfully I have a much better understanding of the disease than that. I fully support the OP in leaving her DH to it though. There are so many other factors at play here which make living with him untenable.

They also have a free helpline and you can email them direct
Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

The secretive behaviour could be another woman. OP has posted previously.

Agree with this but I’d be moving all the money out of his reach seeing as he’s blown his pension pot and is now maxing out credit cards. Where is his financial contribution here ? The last thing OP needs is to be responsible for his debt.

He sounds an absolute liability. File for divorce asap.

I work in this industry, please put yourself and your son first

My friend and teaching colleague Kate died in 2001. Her husband wasn't there: he was on a drinking binge. He had missed the birth of both his children because he went into a pub on the way to the hospital and 'disappeared' each time for several days. She stuck with him because she was a Catholic and wouldn't divorce. His drinking destroyed family finances and they ended up selling their home and living in rental. In her 30s she was found to have an aggressive form of breast cancer and secondaries and died within a year of diagnosis. He spent all his time drunk, meaning that those of us who looked after her and the children also had to deal with his behaviour. He missed her funeral: out of it, sobbing, on the living room sofa at home. Friends and family cared for the children and tried to ensure he was sober when he saw them. Six weeks after Kate died, while he was staying in one of his boozer friends homes, he died of alcoholic poisoning after a major binge. He was in his 50s.

So I'd say act now: change the locks so he can't come home, file for divorce now and tell his family what the problem is. Don't make him your problem alone. Let him pay for transport to the travel lodge in the area where he has support. Let that form part of his debt. There is nothing you can do to help him. He has to help himself. I'd also tell his family. They may want to know and they may be able to offer you some moral support.

Wow maybe his other woman can go get him.

As the old adage goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

Personally, I think you should use what resources you have, and put them towards divorce proceedings.

If the hospital call you up about collecting him... "I'm sorry, but I'm 300 miles away with little money and a disabled child. I can't help you. You'll have to call social services. Thank you. Goodbye."

It may be a 'stupid comment' to you, but I stand by that you are absolutely wrong in being furious at the wife in this situation!
He's buggered off to see the OW, drinking any money he has, doesn't seem to give a fuck about wife and child, which she's managing at home on her own!
This is a shit show of his making.